If memory serves me correctly, this time last year X2B and I were running errands around this time as we were having our friends over for dinner to ring in the New Year. We had made a homemade macaroni and cheese dish using a combination of goat cheeses, and in one pan, we mixed in some tomatoes and spinach. We also had a couple of bottles of good wine that we had picked up, as well as a nice salad, and well, you get the point. Diary, you are probably wondering how in the hell I am remembering all the minute details, but sometimes, I just can. I can even remember the conversation that was had that night.
Funny how so much has changed in one year, and it's even funnier how quickly this year went by. The house I was eating that dinner in is now someone else's house. The plates I ate that dinner on are no longer mine, which is also true with the silverware and the pots and pans that were used to make said dinner. The company that we had that night only speaks to me now. The person I was sitting next to that night at the dinner table, I now sit across from and on opposite sides in this messy little war of a divorce I have going on.
So, lets do a quick recap shall we? January was a great month. Things seemed to be going well, and X2B and I started planning a trip to Jamaica. February was good and Jamaica was fun. X2B claims she fainted there and I didn't pay attention to her. My friend who was sunbathing next to her didn't know she fainted. No one did. Anyway, we got back from Jamaica, she gave me a framed photo of us, and I recreated the same dinner I made on our very first Valentine's day. I even got her her favorite flowers. With a sense of excitement, she said it was perfect.
Then her trip to Denver happened and life pretty much went down to tubes and spiralled into outright hell in the months of May and June and July. And well, you know the rest Diary because I have been telling you shit for months now. So 2008 pretty much sucked cock and balls, and not in a good way. (Big props to The Girl by the way for also saying this. Eh, I'm smitten, and she knows it)
So, as I sit here on the last day of a crappy year, I look towards to future. What will 2009 bring me? Surely it cannot be as bad as 2008, I mean, nothing can top 2008 in my book for a complete disaster of a year. I mean, I lost my wife, my marriage, my relationship with her completely, my house, my money, and for a long while, my sanity and sense of self worth. Yeah, I don't think 2009 can top that at all as far as shit going wrong.
So, here is a little letter to myself that I can look at at the end of 2009, and hopefully things will have improved drastically over the past year:
Welcome to the first year of the rest of your life. Your life as you knew it is over. Deal with it, move forward, forgive but never forget.
Why do I tell you never to forget? I tell you this because for you to forget would mean for you to forget all the lessons that you have learned. You should never forget those lessons. You should not forget how the words and actions of X2B made you feel. Not so much so that you can dwell on them, but so that you can realize that they were just words and actions of a broken human being who was using you to make herself feel better. You deserve more, and in this upcoming year, maybe you will even find it. However, don't be a sorry sack of shit feeling bad about yourself if you don't. You are a prize, and any woman would be lucky to call you her partner. You are loyal and thoughtful, you are kind and sincere. You are a rock, and one day a woman will have the key to your heart, but do not go giving it away freely.
Yes, you had a bad 2008, but you are still alive. You have come so far from where you were in March. Remember the nights out drinking so that you could forget and dull the pain? Yes, those are gone. Remember the constant crying because you could not believe what was happening to you? Yes, those are gone as well. Remember doubting yourself everyday, thinking that there was something inherently wrong with you because you felt that no one really loved you? Those are gone because you have come to the realization in 2009 that you must love yourself first, and then everything has a way of falling into place.
Now, look at what you accomplished in 2009. You quit dipping. Yes, I know that it wasn't easy, but it was time. Not to mention no woman really wants to kiss a guy with worm dirt in his mouth. And look at it this way, by quitting dipping, you saved $1,750 this year on just not buying tobacco products. You were able to bank that money and help yourself pay down the large debt that you incurred to get the divorce finished. So hats off to you buddy, that was a major step.
You also got to know who you really are as a human being and as a man. You know who you are and what you want, and I think at this point (if you were lucky enough, because let's face it, you need to be lucky in this one) you might have even met a woman who you want to be with for the long haul. I don't tell you this because you might actually have her in your physical presence, but more because you know now, without a shadow of a doubt, in your heart and in your mind what type of woman you want to be with. And that is important.
Also, look at you now you sexy beast. You made it a point to get off your ass, stop eating everything that tasted good that wasn't good for you (well, you did have some cravings that you gave into, but since it wasn't every day, you get a pass), you lost weight, got toned, and are healthy. No more not shopping at stores like J Crew and Banana Republic because the clothes they have do not fit you. No more feeling sorry about your appearance. Fuck, no more feeling sorry about yourself. Did it take a while to do it? Yes, but all your hard work paid off now didn't it? I am pretty proud of you (or is it proud of me?) that you did this for yourself and you did it on your own. Did you have some inspiration, yes, and you know who that was because you want her badly, but don't get too ahead of yourself there sport. Inspiration is good, but you didn't get all weird and shit, so high five to that. I mean, don't you feel better about yourself when you go to the beach and take off your shirt? Yeah, I know, you are still hairy, and the back wax was not the most comfortable thing in the world, but shit, you look good, enjoy it. The tan looks good on you.
Now, was 2009 a challenging year? Of course it was. You were trying to find your place in this world, and everything was in essence new to you. That was ok, and there was nothing wrong with that. You had some tough choices to make, but you felt good about the decision making process that ultimately led you to make your decisions. You always knew that life wasn't perfect, that there would be challenges, but one of the things that you learned the most this past year was that those challenges are not the end of the world. Things did get better with time. You are a happier and more emotionally healthier person you were during 2008, and that is a grand accomplishment.
You also stopped being a pansy ass and stood up for yourself, what you believed in, what was important to you, and who was important to you. You have always been a shy man, and there is nothing wrong with that, but in 2009 you came out of your shell and let the world in. Little did you know just how much you were going to let the world in, but you are where you are now and your life is fuller and richer for it.
Now, I really do not know what else to tell you other than I am proud of you. There are obviously things I am not telling you now because you don't need to be told some things for they are better off left to the imagination and discovery. Call me an asshole for that if you will (you'd be calling yourself one idiot), but such is life. There is no road map to it, so there are just some things that you are going to have to figure out for yourself.
Now, stop reading me. You are in Hawaii and that beautiful brunette you have waiting for you to go down to the beach and kiss to a new year is waiting for you, and trust me, you do not want to keep her waiting. 2009 was good, 2010 is going to be even better. (Hey, I can hope for you that this happens while you read this, I mean, I am you, and I can dream just as well as you can)