The Diary of a Jaded Soon-To-Be Ex-Husband

Chapter 2

2009-04-20T07:33:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary:

I just spawned your younger brother. You may want to check him out. You can find him at The Diary of a Divorced Guy.

And All Good Things Must Come To An End

2009-04-15T18:30:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary:

Hello my friend. You and I both knew long ago that this day would come. We both knew that in order for me to begin a new chapter in my life, I must completely close this one. I do not know why it has taken me so long to come to this point. Maybe I felt if I ended this chapter prematurely, I would lose the opportunity to say the things that I needed to say. But truth be told, I have said all I can say and all I needed to say about my divorce, and my experience with it. And now I must move forward.

However, although this chapter will end, this does not mean that my story will end. I will move forward, my life will go on, and I will live a happy and fulfilled life. Whether that life is with someone or on my own, I can walk away from this experience holding my head up high, confident in who I am, and happy with the man that I am, and that is what is most important.

You know, looking back on my life at this point, something has occurred to me. Maybe I should have followed one of my dreams and became a writer. Since I was 16, it has been about the one thing that I have always gotten compliments on, whether it be at school, or at work. Now, I am not to say that I am any good, but some people thought I was decent, even though I have a tendency to get sidetracked (no shit right?).

Maybe I could even get you, Diary, published. Wouldn't that be something? I mean, besides probably being the world's most brazen attempt to tell off an ex-wife in the history of mankind and mass media, I could look back and say, "That's me, and that is my creation."

Or at least that was me for a time period. I wish no ill will towards X2B, or my ex-wife, however you wish to refer to her. I do not necessarily wish her to live a happy life, but I do not wish her a sad existence either. The only thing I do wish is that wherever she lands, she lands far, far away from me, both in mind, and in body. Maybe one day I will bump into her somewhere, maybe not. It really does not matter at this point. That chapter of my life is closed, and closed forever.

So now as I look to the future with open arms and an open mind, I am excited about what lies in store for me. I am looking forward to the challenges and obstacles that I will confront, and I am looking forward to the relationships I will cultivate, and maybe even one day, getting married again.

My life is not perfect and it never has been and it never will be. But Diary, as I have grown as an individual throughout this ordeal (and I still wouldn't wish it on the devil himself), I can look back and know that while I took my hits, I can, at the end of the day, walk away a survivor.

And that is quite alright with me.

So, I ask you, that should you see me walking down the street, say hello. Should you run into me, smile. Laugh when I do something stupid, or say something offbeat that gives you pause. Get to know me for who I am, as a man, and as a person. I could be your son. I could be your father. I could be your friend. I could be your brother. I could be your boss. I could be your colleague. I could be your confidant.

I could be you.

Sincerely,

An Ex-Husband

Homecoming

2009-04-14T17:14:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary:

Over Easter, I went home, or at least I went to the place that feels the most like home right now, and that would be to New England to see my friends and family. The feeling I get when I cross into New England, particularly Massachusetts, is really hard to describe. I get an intense feeling of calm when I cross the state line, and everything seems just, for lack of a better word, normal.

So, let me first give you a brief rundown of my trip, and then I will fill in some details and flush out some of the important things that I need to talk about.

Thursday - Drove to Springfield to hang out with BB. Had a great time, had a great dinner, and it was good to see her again (she is back with her boyfriend, so don't ask me about anything like that).
Friday - Drove to Hampton, NH to see my mom. It was great seeing her, as I hadn't seen her since my ex and I saw her in August of 2007.
Saturday - Drove to my aunt's in Melrose, MA, and hung out with her, my cousin, and his kids.
Sunday - Easter with my family, at my aunt's house.
Monday - Back up to NH to see my mom, and unfortunately, I had to cut the trip short to make the drive back to Alexandria.

This trip was the first trip that I have taken where I have seen a significant part of my family. I saw all my aunts, uncle, most of my cousins, and my mom. I have been preparing myself to take this trip for some time now. For some reason, and I don't know what it was, I had this feeling that I would return home to my family a failure, but I didn't. The feeling of failure never entered my being. You see, of all the marriages, that have taken place in my family, mine was the shortest lived.

Friday with my mom was a great day. This was the first time I had seem my mom in well over a year. The last time I was with her, her former daughter-in-law was with her as well. This trip marked the first time I was in her apartment without my ex. This trip marked the first time I had actually been with my mom in a few years that my ex was not with me. To say that I was a bit apprehensive about how I would feel would be an understatement. I wasn't so much worried about how I would get along, but more so about all the questions that would come my way.

Thankfully, not may questions were asked by my mom. We spent the day running a couple of errands, and having lunch up in Maine, where I chowed down on some New England Clam Chowder and a lobster roll. After running around, we went back to her place where she taught me how to make lobster bisque (my mom cooks like a pro). And then, I wanted to take a walk.

Mom and I headed to the beach to take a walk. It was a bit windy near the ocean, but the smell of the salt air was invigorating. For a while, we just walked, and really didn't say anything, until I told her that I felt that I shouldn't be there. Not that I shouldn't have visited her, but that I shouldn't have been there, divorced, at 30, back to square one. I shouldn't have been in this particular situation, but it is the situation that I find myself in. She of course did what any compassionate mother did, she wrapped her arm around me and we just walked. She had told me that she didn't understand it either, but things happen. We talked about my ex, and how she had told my mom that I would make a great dad (this was the same woman mind you that said she could not bring herself to have children with me). We talked about how my ex was selfish, and yes we talked about the fucking cast iron pots that I never got back, which of course pissed my mom off like you wouldn't believe.

After a nice long walk just talking, we went home and made dinner (grilled salmon and asparagus, with the aforementioned lobster bisque to start). After that, we took a drive down to see one of my aunts, and we hung out there for a while. I had not seen this particular aunt in at least three years, so it was good catching up with her. And then it was back to my mom's place, where I think I fell asleep on the ride back.

Saturday and Sunday were spent with another aunt, and my older cousin and his kids. It was good seeing all of them. My cousin, who is about nine months older than I am, also went through a divorce recently, and my aunt, of course being a member of my family, is, that's correct, you guessed it, divorced as well. We all talked about life, relationships, divorce, and everything really. Then I headed into Boston to meet my friend Jenn for dinner, drinks, and conversation.

For Easter dinner, by uncle and his family came up from Cape Cod, and the house was filled with people. Everyone said how great I looked (thanks TRP) and we all just hung out, ate an obscene amount of food and drank (my scale is mad at me now). It was a lot of fun being with family. It was also very soothing. One thing that I actually laughed at was the fact that my aunt had a picture of my ex and I together on her wall of family photos. Let's just say it isn't there anymore.

On Monday, I drove up to my mom's again. I had to cut the trip short, so rather than spend the day with her, i only had a few hours. We talked while she made homemade blueberry muffins for me to take back to my brother, and then it was time to leave. And so I went, in my car, driving towards Virginia, and I didn't hit traffic until New Jersey. And that fucked up my entire schedule.

So, what can I take away from my trip with my family? Well, what I took away was very good memories of laughter and love. I took away memories of me, alone with my family and not my ex there. I took away a feeling that although I was there alone, I was not alone, and I also noticed something interesting while I was there.

It felt normal for my ex not to be there. It felt right for her not to be there. It felt like that was the way that it was supposed to be.

Divorced, and Dating

2009-04-07T18:07:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary:

So, as you know, a while back, I went on a date. An actual real date. I had a great time, and the lovely young lady I was with appeared to enjoy herself as well. So much in fact, that we went on a couple more dates. So much that one of those dates was cooking dinner at her place. There was cuddling on the couch, gentle kisses, holding hands, and good, meaningful conversation. She said I had amazing eyes, and when we kissed for the first time, she felt butterflies.

And for reasons beyond my control, she wanted to just be friends. And friends is what we are apparently. We talk on the phone on occasion, E-mail each other back and forth about our days, and that is about it. We don't hang out anymore, even though she lives practically around the corner. It really does suck when you start to like someone and then they end it. Now, I can understand her reasons for ending it, as they were legitimate (and had nothing to do with my divorce), but, it still does suck.

Now, that being said, I want to touch upon something that has been bothering me a bit now that I am dating.

The girl I dated briefly made it known that she was a bit hesitant since I am a divorced man. In order to reassure her, I told her to ask me anything she wanted to know about my separation, the reasons behind it, my emotional state, my thoughts on my divorce, my ex-wife, and, well let's just say I gave her free range. And for some reason, it did not seem to reassure her at all, and she said that she was worried I was not ready to really date and be with someone and explore a relationship a couple of times. And this brings me to what I want to talk about.

The decision as to whether or not I am ready to put myself out there, to take a risk that my heart could get broken, to date, to fall in love again, and what not, that is MY decision. For some reason when I tell people I am divorced there is a sudden shock to their system, and for some reason it seems as though I am being looked at as somehow damaged goods. And you know what? I am not damaged.

I am not damaged dammit. I am not broken, shattered, or somehow not complete. I know who I am and what I want. Just because I happen to be divorced does not make me any less real than you. My emotions are no less real than yours. Hell, I am part of the cool kids club, you know, the one that us divorced folks belong to. The one where we find ourselves, banding together, helping each other, working through the shit and muck that life threw at us to come out stronger, more secure, more confident, more able, and more self aware of who we are and what we want. You should be lucky to meet any of us, as we know who the type of person is that is not the person for us.

I can only imagine what a single parent must feel like. They must experience this stigma at a level ten times worse. And for that, I have the utmost respect and admiration for them. I mean, when women here I am divorced, they freak out a bit. I met a woman Saturday that was like, "oh, um, man, sorry." We were laughing it up and getting along pretty damn well until I mentioned that I had already been married. I can only image what the conversation would have been like if I said I was a dad.

So do not be sorry for me that I have an experience that you do not. In fact, you should look up to me, and admire me for being able to come out through this still intact, and even better than I was before. You should admire the ability of those who went through emotional hell to be able to wake up everyday and smile just because the sun is shining or we hear the simplicity of rain drops. We do not take life for granted. We do not take love for granted. We do not take anything for granted. We understand that life is short and that it sometimes will throw you a curve ball. We know life is for the living, so we live it the best we can, and enjoy it to the fullest extent possible.

So the next time you see one of us, do not run, do not hide, do not cower, for we will not, and we would appreciate the same courtesy. Treat us like human beings, full of compassion and understanding, for that is who we are. Just because we are divorced, that does not make us any less normal, it does not make us any less real, it does not make us any less whole.

If anything, in my opinion, I am better than other guys you may date because I know what commitment means. Oh, not to mention you do not have to ever tell me to put the toilet seat down.

The End Is Near

2009-03-29T14:38:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary:

When I started you, I never intended you to become a creation that I spoke to for the rest of my life. You were created to document my emotions and thoughts while I was going through a particular stage in my life. That stage, my divorce, is over. Yet, for some reason I am struggling with exactly how to end you. However, I do know that the time to say goodbye to you is not far away. That being said, before I do leave you, there are a some things that I have learned along this journey that I feel I should share with you, in case anyone should stumble upon you and happen to read my story.

First of all, my story is not that different from other stories out there. I went through a divorce. While it was painful, emasculating, emotionally traumatic, and honestly the most miserable thing I have ever had to deal with in my life to this point, I made it through in one piece. I survived divorce, and should anyone stumble upon this, my message to them is that they will survive it too. When I first started this journey, I was a very angry man. I was a man that had lost his identity, his sense of self worth, his place in the world. In short, I lost myself. But, in the end, through much reflection and self examination, I found myself again, and I grew to be a better human being. If divorce was the price I had to pay for this realization, I am glad I played it. I can honestly say I am a much better man, a stronger man, and a man more aware of not only who I am, but where my place in the world lies.

Secondly, one of the things I learned that I believe to be a very valuable lesson is that people should never rely upon another to make themselves happy. You are either happy or you are not, and no one can fix that issue for you. My ex-wife told me at the end that she always was trying to make me happy, but she never could make me happy. She could make me happier, but unless I was happy with myself, she could not make me happy. Looking back, I was happy with myself, even though there were things I on which I wanted to improve. I do not think my ex was really happy with herself, and there was nothing I could do to change that. And that I accept.

Thirdly, in the grand scheme of things, divorce is not the end of the world, although at times it sure as shit feels like it is. People die every day. People lose their jobs, their homes, their health care, their retirement, their security. People are violated in actions that would make others sick to their stomachs. There is war, there is strife, there is poverty, there is hopelessness around the world, and all I did was get divorce. Big deal. I am alive, and for that I am grateful. I am going to be just fine.

Also, solid friendships are of the utmost importance. Now, at times, when your friend is of the opposite sex, friendships can blossom into something more, however, that does not mean people should go looking to actively change a friendship into something more intimate. Cherish your friends, for they will never lie to you, nor will they blow smoke up your ass just to make you feel better. Friends are honest to a fault, and this is a good thing.

I think the most important thing that I learned was that I am not alone. I am not alone when I need to deal with significant life changing events. I am not alone when I am feeling lost. I am not alone when I am feeling unwanted. I am not alone when I am feeling down. I have a strong support system of friends and family who are there for me when I need them. I just need to be strong enough to ask for their support.

I am not alone, and neither is anyone else.

Wow

2009-03-20T06:44:00.001-07:00

Dear Diary:

First of all I want to say that I am sorry that it has been so long since we last spoke. The truth is, I have been swamped. Work has really picked up, and I find myself swamped most days with a combination of constant meetings and reviewing documents. When I get home, after sitting in traffic of course, I am cooking meals for the next day. After a long day, having woken up early to hit the gym, then work, then taking care of stuff at home, I just pass out.

There is also another reason I have not written to you much, and that is because my life is moving forward. A large part of me feels that I need to wrap this project up. I feel that if I continue to talk to you, I am talking to my past, and it would be difficult for me personally to look toward my future while always looking backward. So, you will not be hearing from me much, if at all, after a few weeks or so I think. I am trying to come up with a proper way of quitting you, and cold turkey will just not cut it because you have helped me through so much, and have been my sounding board when I thought I was losing my mind. Now, that being said, my life is moving forward, and I need to move on. Case in point:

Yours truly had a date last night, and when I say date I am not referring to the type you pay by the hour. I had a real legitimate date, where two people go do something and talk and get to know each other a little bit. And you know what? It was great!

She picked me up (got to love independent women) around 7pm, and we went for a little drive around Alexandria where she showed me this nice little neighborhood that I have never really explored. After that, we were on a journey to find the restaurant that we were going to.

We went to a small southern place, actually located in a strip mall. From the looks of the place on the outside, one would think you were walking into a dump, but, once you enter the doors, you are welcomed into a pretty damn cool neighborhood place. The exterior puts you off a bit, but the interior is amazing. Small tables and booths, elegantly situated and decorated, with, well, shit, it is just a really relaxing, yet sophisticated place to eat.

We talked about stuff I imagine many talk about on a first date: work, travel, school, and just other stuff that allowed us to get to know each other a bit more. She is really fun to be around, adorable, has a great laugh, a million dollar smile, and most importantly, I find her to be a good person.

And you know something? That is what I want in my life. I want to be with a good person. I want to be with someone who knows what she wants. I want to be with someone who is fun. I want to be with someone who is not needy. I want to be with someone who is not fake. I want to be with someone who is not afraid of being themselves. I want to be with someone who is not afraid to laugh at inappropriate jokes and makes them herself.

Now, this was only a first date, but, it went well. Well enough in fact that we are going to get together sometime this weekend for a second date. Is there going to be more to this? Hell, it is way to early to tell as we are just really feeling each other out, so who knows as far as that goes.

The important thing about last night was that I was comfortable. I could be myself, and I wasn't worried too much about what she thought of me. I think had I been worried about that, I wouldn't have been able to relax after a while, and that would have been bad. I would not have been able to laugh and be honest because I would have been trying so hard to make a good impression, but the best impression is when you can just be you, because it is an honest one.

You know, I had been worried about what it would be like to date again. I have been out of the dating game for so long I was worried that I would not know what the hell I was supposed to do. But I realized I have no need to worry. I also full realized one thing that I had been wondering about:

I am going to be quite alright.

The Last Goodbye

2009-03-12T19:09:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary:

As I have already told you, what may have been the very last time I ever see or hear from my ex-wife was the transferring of items that took place on Saturday. At that time, I told her goodbye, but it was not sufficient. After all, this is a woman who owned a very large piece of my heart for the better part of five years, so one word does not seem to do the parting of ways any justice. Therefor, it is my hope that this letter will. Unfortunately, it is a letter that she will never read, because I will never mail it. The fact is, I do not need to say goodbye for her, I need to say it for myself.

And so it begins:

To my ex-wife:

I know we have both passed the point of no return as far as ever wanting to have any meaningful type of relationship with one another. I know we have passed the point of ever wishing to remain friends, and that is ok. I forgive myself for neither needing nor wanting such.

I would like to tell you that I am sorry for how things turned out with us. I am sorry that we find ourselves in a place right now where we cannot speak to each other without a sense of apprehension or anxiety. I am sorry that you feel the way you do, and that I feel nervous that I may upset you. It did not have to be this way, but it is, and that is ok. Not everything turns out the way we want it to in life.

I am also sorry that I was not a better husband to you. I do own my part in the downfall of our marriage. I could have been more supportive of you emotionally. I could have listened to you better. I could have not gotten so confused and frustrated when we tried to talk about things because I did not understand. For that I am sorry, for I believe both of us deserved better.

I think we had a serious communication problem. Unfortunately, I am sorry that you were not willing to address this problem when given the opportunity to do such. I think had we been able to continue counseling, and focused on each other and what we had that was good, we could have made significant progress, and could have had that fairytale happy ending that so many people want.

I was always willing to do what was necessary to save our marriage, but I am sorry that you didn't feel I was doing enough. I think this also was a result of our communication problem, but one that could have ultimately been addressed.

I do not want to make excuses for what happened, because excuses are worthless and they cannot turn back the hands of time and change the past. Looking back over everything that I learned in this process, both about us, about you, and about myself, was an eye opening experience.

And what I have learned is that I am not sorry for having lost you as a wife. The lack of trust, and the deceitful behaviors that you put forth was not something that I ever wish to go through again. I deserve better. For you, your particular "better" may be finding someone who can deal with how you function, but for me, I know now that I cannot, I could not, and nor will I ever again. I am not sorry for having gone through this experience, and for that, I forgive myself.

And I also forgive you. I forgive you for treating me the way you did and doing the things and saying the things that you did. I also forgive you if you did indeed leave me for someone else as I know that should you have done so, it says nothing about me, and more about you. I also forgive you for not giving me a straight up explanation about what actually happened on your end. I forgive you for not doing anything to bring about some type of closure.

I forgive you for that, because I found that closure myself.

Goodbye.

Completely Random Shit

2009-03-09T18:20:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary:

Ok, for some reason I have no idea why I am going to tell you what I am about to tell you. But, some deranged part of me probably thinks this is amusing, so just work with me on this one, and sit back and enjoy, if you do not vomit first.

Have you ever had a severe bloody nose while taking a shit? No? Really? Me either! Well, until tonight that is.

So there I am, sitting upon my porcelain throne, the surveying my kingdom from afar while reading a good book. The kids are just dropped off at the pool so to speak, and my nose starts itching, so, having not wiped yet, I do what anyone else would do, and scratch my nose. And then I have this sensation.

I feel like my nose is starting to run, but no, it is not snot that is starting to come out. As I cup my hand beneath my face (still haven't wiped my ass mind you) a pool of blood starts to form in my palm. And I of course am thinking, "You have got to be fucking kidding me! Now? Of all times, now?" So, I do what any person would do in this situation: I improvise. I have my book in my lap, sitting on the toilet, and my left hand cupped under my chin to catch the blood as it pours out of my nose. You would think this was a horror movie or something, well, maybe a B-list horror movie. So, with the right hand, I manage to grab the bookmark, and put the book on the floor, then get tissue paper and cram it up my nose to give myself a little reprieve. Once that is finished, you guess it, I finished my business (all the while with my left hand holding a pool of blood).

I somehow managed to pull up my shorts, and made my way to the bathroom sink. Gave the hands a good wash, and you would have thought that I had just slit my wrists with the amount of blood in the basin. Once the hands were washed, I thought the nosebleed would have been over, so I removed the aforementioned tissue from my nose, and thought I was all set.

Oh was I ever wrong on that one.

Blood started gushing out of my nose like someone had just struck oil in West Texas. It was a complete torrent of bodily fluid escaping me. By this time, the lower part of my face was completely red, and it looked like I just took a good ass whooping. So, this is when I used the little trick that I had picked up along the way.

I grabbed some tissues and jammed them up under my upper lip, which applies pressure. Then, grabbed more and rammed it up my nostril to catch the blood that was coming out while the tissue under the upper lip was doing what it does best.

When the bleeding finally did stop about five minutes later, I had to clean up the mess that had become my bathroom sink and counter. I think the best way to describe the scene would be that my bathroom sink looked like I just slaughtered a goat in it. It was an absolute disaster, and for some reason I am laughing to myself as I write this.

All I can say is that it is a damn good thing that I am single at the moment and live alone. Could you imagine if I had a girlfriend or was dating someone and yelled, "hey honey, um, yeah, need a bit of help in here!" The view of my white ass on the toilet while cupping a bloody nose would have either freaked her out beyond belief and she would have ran for the hills, or she would have given herself a heart attack from laughing so hard.

Hell, she might have even laughed so hard she shit herself.

For some reason, these things only happen to me.

$140.49

2009-03-07T19:39:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary:

When we last spoke, which was like five minutes ago, I told you that the remaining 10% of the closure I was seeking lied in Annapolis, Maryland. So, after meeting up with my ex-wife, I drove home, grabbed the directions to the place I was going, and got back in the car and made my way over the border, well, technically borders since I cut through DC.

The drive to Annapolis was pretty uneventful. Other than a bit of traffic while cutting through DC, the drive was a breeze. I opened the sunroof, cranked up the tunes, and before you know it, I was taking the exit to my destination.

I like Annapolis, quite a bit actually. Maybe it is because it reminds me of the old towns strewn along the New England coast, with old brick buildings and docks that come right up the heart of the city. It is also a great place to eat. When I want crab, I go to Annapolis. When I want really good sushi, I go to Annapolis. When I want to suck down some raw oysters, drink a cold beer, and do it all outside under the sun, that's right, you guessed it, I go to Annapolis.

But this trip to Annapolis did not involve me doing anything that was exciting or thrilling. I was driving to Annapolis to sell my wedding band. It was a 6mm platinum band, and I paid roughly one thousand dollars for it. I have not worn it on a daily basis since May 20, 2008. Since that day, it has been sitting in the box that it came in, on my bookshelf, collecting dust. Though it may have been valuable at one point, to me, it became just a piece of metal, and nothing more.

I had been thinking of doing some sort of grand gesture with the ring. Maybe throwing it in the river while my friends documented it on camera. Maybe buying a ring coffin and burying it somewhere that only I would know. Maybe turning it into one expensive key chain. But had I done that, the ring would have still existed. The only way I could assure its destruction was to sell it to a jeweler that would melt it down and turn it into something else.

So, I pulled into the parking garage and stopped the car. I put the ring box in my pocket, and ran to the nearest bathroom I could find. No, I was not nauseous and wanting to vomit. I had consumed roughly four cups of coffee to that point, and to be honest, I had to piss like you wouldn't believe. I thought my bladder was going to explode and I was going to wet myself walking into Target to use their facilities. And wouldn't you know it, I had to take two escalators up to get to the bathroom, which I nimbly ran up like a gazelle. The pain was so unbearable, that when I was finished, after what seemed like a good few minutes, I was still hurting because my bladder had been stretched to the absolute limit. I also made sure to check my shorts to make sure that I didn't lose it on the way to the bathroom. Talk about a promising beginning to this situation right?

So, after that little episode, I made my way over to the jewelery store. As I walked in, a salesman asked if he could help me, and at that point I asked if they bought platinum. Having assured me that they did, I took the box out of my pocket and gave it to him. He took the ring out of the box and was about to give me the box back, but I told him I had no need for it, so he could keep it. Then we walked over to where they weigh jewelery, and to where I would find out how much my once precious wedding band was worth.

I was told I would be getting $140.49. The salesman gave me a second to think it over, and it only lasted a second before I said, "ok, will I get cash?" He told me I would get a check, dammit. Then one of his assistants came over, took my licence for some information, had me sign a form, and made out the check. Apparently my ring weighed roughly 6.3 penny ounces, and as platinum was going for just over $22 a penny ounce, $140.49 was all I was going to get. In the back of my mind, I was glad I waited a bit, because I called the same store a couple of weeks ago, and platinum was going for less than $20 a penny ounce then, so I made an extra, oh, I don't know, ten dollars.

When that was over, I went over to look at the Tag Heuer watches because, well, they are fucking nice. I cannot afford one at the moment without putting it on credit, but it is something I plan on owning one day. And, at this particular store, they are cheaper than anyplace else I have seen them. It's funny, at this point, I am roughly $40,000 in debt, so would another $2,000 hurt me that much? I mean, would it? It isn't that much, right? Ok, now that I have that thought out of my head, I will wait to buy one.

When I left the store with the check in my pocket, I just sighed. It was a sigh of relief, and not one of despair. I felt like it was over. I felt like the last vestige of my marriage had been cast away, and I was the one that did it, and I was the one that had control over it. That gave me a feeling of relief, and it gave me closure. I then went and bought an immersion blender because that's how I roll, grabbed something to eat at an Italian delicatessen and then headed back to my apartment.

$140.49 richer and 6.3 penny ounces lighter.

The Hostage Swap

2009-03-07T18:44:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary:

It is 9:45pm on Saturday, March 7. Today was a very busy day, and two really significant events took place, so I will break them up into two separate entries because to do otherwise would not give do them justice. So let us embark on the first of those significant events shall we?

As you know, today was the day of the Soviet hostage swap, which of course refers to the transferring of a bunch of stuff that I was giving to my ex-wife. The stuff included Christmas ornaments and such, her personal papers and work stuff, some artwork, some home goods, and little trinkets that she had picked up along the way or were given to her by her friends. Although I received nothing material in return, I did get piece of mind, and that is fine by me.

So, the morning started off just like any other Saturday morning. I woke up, made coffee, and got ready to go to the gym. I will not bore you with the details of my workout because that is not the real point of this entire exercise. So, why don't we skip a couple of pointless hours and just get to the nitty gritty, shall we?

So, the meeting time was 2pm, in the parking lot of a Target that is about equidistant from both of us. I showed up roughly twenty minutes early, and stopped to get a cup of coffee right around the corner from Target. And then, I just waited.

While I was waiting, I went through the car, specifically, through the CD cases that were in the car, and took out the ones that were hers and put them in a box that was in the back seat with a bunch of her other stuff. I had no real need or desire to keep female country music singers in my car, so it was not like I was parting with anything of significant importance.

She called me right at 2pm, saying she was pulling into the parking lot, and when she did, I popped the trunk and stepped out of my car. She pulled in a couple of spaces next to me, and I began unloading. We said hello.

I asked her to pop her trunk so I could load the biggest storage bin into her car, and she thanked me for doing so. I made it a point to be the one taking the things out of my car so that she could not. For some reason, this gave me a sense of security, and made me feel like I had some control over the situation.

As she was loading the car, I said that there was no more and walked back to mine, and then saw one more box. I grabbed the box, which had an electric wok in it, and gave it to her. When that was finished, I closed my car up, and as she got in hers, I said goodbye. If she responded, I did not hear it.

I am under no illusions that I will ever hear from, speak to, or see my ex-wife again. I am under no illusions that she will ever tell me the truth about why she was spending so much time in Pennsylvania. I am under no illusions that she will ever write me anything that will give me a sense of closure by her saying goodbye. So, I will take it upon myself to get that. I can say that at that particular moment, I was about 90% there. The other 10% was waiting for me in Annapolis, Maryland.

Glutton For Punishment

2009-03-03T17:59:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary:

You know, sometimes I think I am just asking for it. Sometimes I think that my mind is just trying to see how much abuse it can take. Sometimes I think it really wants to get a bit of a beat down. And sometimes I think it just wants to hear the truth so badly that it will do stupid shit, even when knowing that it will never get what it wants.

So you are probably wondering what exactly happened right? Well let me tell you. As you already know, I had offered to give my ex-wife many of her personal belongings that she had left in the former marital home when she moved out. I had to take these belongings with me during the move, and have been holding them for a few months now. Because of the divorce, it was not really a wise decision for me to contact her about them until after it was over, or until the point came when the end was in sight and a settlement agreement was reached. So, when that happened, I E-mailed her and she seemed to be glad that I was going to give all of this stuff to her.

So, this brings me to last night. Last night I E-mailed her to coordinate getting her this junk. We agreed on meeting at a parking lot in front of a Target store. And for some stupid reason when I said which store, I also asked why she cheated and what did I ever do to deserve it. She of course said she never cheated, and that she even signed papers saying she did not. And then I let loose.

I said then what the hell was with the trips to Pennsylvania a few days after it was official that it was over, during a time she was supposedly house sitting for her boss because I made her feel so bad. Why was she there for Thanksgiving and New Years Eve and her birthday? Who was she with while picking apples in Maryland, near the PA border? I told her that her behavior throughout the entire ordeal was textbook adulterer according to just about everything I have read on the subject, and that I did not expect her to tell me the truth because she was incapable of being honest with herself.

At this point, she responded that I could do what I wanted with the stuff, and that I was to never contact her again, ever. And then of course I said that I didn't want to be responsible for her papers that had her Social Security numbers on them in case she became a victim of identity theft, so I wanted her to have all this junk. She said "fine." and that is all she said. We arranged a time to pick everything up, and once again, she just said nothing but "fine." At that point I said there was no need to be annoyed and that I did not like this situation as much as she did but it was her stuff. Then I get the do not contact me again, ever, statement, again. Then another one that she wanted the stuff and that she expected me to just be playing games. So I literally had to give a brief description of everything that I had for her, and tell her how much crap was hers.

It is literally a car load of stuff. So the plan is now that I go to the parking lot, drop the stuff off outside my car, and drive away. This seems like something out of a fucking spy movie doesn't it? I have nicknamed the entire situation the Soviet hostage swap, even though I am getting nothing in return of material value.

The only thing I will be getting in return is peace of mind. I did not have to offer her anything, but I chose to because I knew some of the things meant something to her. Did I take the high road by giving her this stuff? I would like to think that I did. Did my brain need to tell my fingers to type the crap that I typed last night in order to get the responses that I got? Most definitely it did not, and as a result, I felt shitty pretty much the entire day.

I have come to the conclusion that come Saturday, once the drop off is made, I will never see nor hear from my ex-wife again, most likely for as long as I live. As far as I am concerned, at this point in my life, that is just gravy baby.

Screw It, I Dropped The Hammer

2009-03-02T07:58:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary:

Well, I finished putting all of her stuff that she can have together. Right now, in my apartment, I have a large bin for her with Christmas decorations and her papers, a large bin of art, and a couple of boxes of random stuff. I cannot wait until I can get rid of this crap.

So, on that note, I sent her an E-mail letting her know that it was ready, which of course led to a couple of other E-mails about coordinating a way for her to get them. Let's see how they went, shall we?

Me: Your stuff is ready.
Her: Ok, thank you. What is the best way for me to get it?
Me: Not sure. It is almost a car load. You can pick it up or I can drop it off.
Her: Ok - would dropping it off at my office work? It could be done right after work if that would be easier. Thank you again for this.
Me: Pick a day and I will see what I can do. Don't thank me.
Her: Would Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday this week work?
Me: I will know tomorrow and send you an E-mail. If that doesn't work, you found a way to be in PA while you were just house sitting for XX(her boss) Memorial Day weekend so I am sure you can find a way to get to Alexandria.
Her: I asked what would be easiest. It it's coming to Alexandria to get it I will.
Me: The easiest thing would have not been finding out the truth the way I did and you can thank your lawyer for that. I will send you an E-mail tomorrow about my schedule.

After that, she never responded. Honestly, I didn't expect her to respond. I figured I would never get the chance to tell her that I knew about the affair (or suspected affair and since she will never talk about anything, I am left to only my opinion on the matter), so I just rolled the dice.

When it was over, I felt annoyed again. What type of person treats another like that (and I am not talking about saying what I said but doing what she did)? What type of person puts the blame on someone else while going through the separation and divorce but never owns their own actions? A worthless white trash piece of garbage in my opinion.

So there it is. I dropped the hammer on her. I let her know that I knew, and I told her how I found out. When this whole mess had started, she said something to the affect that she was not some dumb little girl from the Midwest, and I would be sorry. Well, she may have thought herself to be wise beyond her years, but she missed the little steps that she needed to take (don't use a bank card that you have to produce in discovery if you are the first one to demand discovery, because it is all going to come out). However, she was right about me being sorry.

I am sorry that I married her.

So...

2009-03-01T15:00:00.001-08:00

Dear Diary:

So, I have a couple of things to go over with you, and then this diary should be coming to its conclusion fairly soon. But, before I break everything off with you, there is still some unfinished business that I need to take care of.

As far as the ring goes, I had every intention of selling it yesterday. There is a jewelry store near where AJ lives that buys platinum. Yesterday, I met up with her to take a walk and grab something to eat. On our walk, we stopped by the store but alas, it was closed. So, there I am, with AJ, walking, with a ring box in my pocket. I am walking with a girl I wouldn't mind kissing and my fucking wedding ring is in my pocket. It's like I cannot get rid of the damn thing to save my life. If you want to imagine how uncomfortable this was, on a scale of one to ten, it was around a solid eight. So, I still have the ring. I am going to head to Annapolis next weekend to try out another store to see if I can get rid of the damn thing. Keep your fingers crossed old chum.

As far as the fish went, well, I got rid of it. I mean, it was caught and has been frozen since July of 2007. Even though it was frozen in water, and was entombed in a block of ice, there is no way that it can still be good, right? On Friday, I got off work a bit early, and went to Eastern Market, since I have not been there in months. It is staying open a bit later during the week, so I took the opportunity to stock up. Many might be a bit embarrassed about what I am about to tell you, but I sure as shit am not. So, what did yours truly get? Let's see, I bought about $85 in fish (five salmon fillets, five yellowfin tuna steaks, two swordfish steaks, two black tip shark steaks), about oh let's say $45 in chicken breast (yes, its a lot of boobage, roughly twenty bone in breasts, and at about $2.80 a pound, you can do the math), four boneless lean pork chops, a dozen fresh homemade sausages (the big kind, like turkey Italian, chicken with garlic and wine, and chicken with sun dried tomato), some fresh flour tortillas, some chicken tamales, and of course about $25 in cheese (danish blue and Manchego). So what does this all have to do with the frozen croppie that was in my freezer? Well, obviously I had to make some damn room for all the crap I bought, so the old stuff, that got tossed. My freezer is now stacked like a porn starlet with yummy goodness.

And this of course brings me to the one of the last things I need to take care of: going through the old papers, and the Christmas decorations.

I started going through stuff a couple of days ago, and have been separating a bunch of crap for the last couple of days. Honestly, it has been pretty much what I have been doing all day other than grab a falafel in DC, and talk to you. As I was going through some of the stuff, I found some love coupons. Apparently, my mother had sent these coupons, which I made as a kid, either in the first or second grade for my mom, to my ex. She had it in note that they were to be hidden from me, and used on fun occasions or when tensions got high. They were stored away in a box of check drafts, and from the looks of them, had been there for years. Now, some of you may be thinking what the hell is a kid doing giving love coupons to his mom, but relax, they said things like, "I will set the table with a smile on my face," and, "I will go to bed with a smile on my face." I guess the point is that my ex never used them, and from the way they were cast aside with old check drafts, never really appreciated that my mom had held on to them for close to twenty years, and had cherished them so much that she gave them to my ex. I am sending them back to my mom. Maybe one day she can send them to another daughter-in-law.

As far as the Christmas stuff is going, well, let's be honest, I am keeping the good stuff that I want. I am keeping most of the Pottery Barn ornaments that are silver, because, well, silver ornaments and white lights looks pretty damn nice on a tree. I am also keeping the expensive tree topper that we had purchased, and am giving her all the crap that has color in it, along with some of the old Christmas cards. I am giving her the ornaments that she had purchased for the two of us to put pictures in every year so that we could see ourselves growing older together, and maybe even our family expanding. Those little fuckers are hers. Basically, I am giving her the crap stuff we bought at Target when we couldn't afford the good stuff, some things I find ugly, and the things that she can look at and be reminded that she destroyed something.

I thought I got passed all the resentment, but seeing all this stuff, well, it just brought things back to the surface for a bit. I never said I was perfect, only human.

But I Am Not Finished

2009-02-26T10:38:00.001-08:00

Dear Diary:

I bet you are a bit surprised that you are actually hearing from me, aren't you? Yeah yeah, you do not need to say it. You are in fact shocked that the project that I started, the one that was going to end when I was divorced, is still continuing. Well, there is a reason.

I am not finished doing the things I need to do. So, lets make a list, shall we? I need to:

Sell the ring - I am in no way going to keep the symbol of a commitment that was thrown out the window like a rotten apple core. I have decided to sell the ring. I will not get it polished, but just sell it for weight. I mean, there has to be a market for platinum, right? Hopefully I will be able to make enough to buy myself a pack of gum and a burger or something.

Get rid of her shit - I have about six bins worth of crap that I need to go through and separate. I have a ton of her documents that I want to return to her because the last thing I need or want is to be accused of trashing them without giving her the opportunity to have them. I am talking about things like her prior year tax returns and some work related stuff. I am also going to give her some crap that was hers that honestly, I do not have room for. Oh, and some Christmas decorations.

Eat the fish - I have two or three bags of frozen lake fish in my freezer that X2B and I had caught on our only trip to her grandmother's lake house in Minnesota and which her father cleaned for us so we could eat them. The bags have both of our initials on them. Now Diary, you are probably thinking, "Just throw the shit away already!" But, lake fish is good, and I am not fishing in Minnesota anytime soon. So, I figure on the day that I drop off her stuff, I am having myself a little fish fry and that will be the end of it.

Throw out the picture - I was looking through a couple of things and there was a picture of X2B and I with my brother and dad in our first Christmas that we hosted as a married couple. That was my most perfect Christmas to date. And now I must destroy the only trace of it that I have left.

I thought the ghost was gone on Tuesday. But the ghost will not be gone until I do this. And this is why I am still here, and you still have the pleasure of talking to me.

And Just Like That

2009-02-24T10:06:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary:

I am divorced.

At roughly 10:20am, on Tuesday, February 24, 2009, yours truly joined the ranks of the divorced.

Am I sad? Nope. Am I thrilled? Nope. I am happy? Nope. Am I depressed? Nope. Am I glad to be divorced? Nope. I am glad to be free. Yes.

I am free from the constant state of limbo that a divorce puts one in. I am free of X2B, and the type of person she is. I am free of the thoughts that once danced in my head, causing me to doubt myself. I am free of the ever increasing legal fees. I am free. And ladies, I am single.

Now, you might be wondering how this all played out, and honestly, it was a walk in the park. I showed up in court, after sitting in traffic for a good hour. The parking lot I was going to park in was blocked off, so I ended up parking right across from the courthouse. I went in, met my lawyer, and we sat in the courtroom. My lawyer checked in, and after about twenty minutes, we were before the judge.

The judge read over some scheduling stuff to clarify what I was there for, and in about two minutes, I was sitting down, with my lawyer asking me questions regarding my name, where I was married, when I was married, how long I have been separated, and so forth. The judge listened, took the documents that we entered into as exhibits, saw that the divorce was uncontested, and the waiver of appeal was waived.

And just like that, in about twenty minutes or so I was divorced. As soon as she said we could leave, it was over. I walked in to the courtroom married, and walked out of it single. After court, I ran to the office to take care of something for my boss, and then, I was home. Nothing flashy and no celebrating, but today was just another day in the life of me, and that is ok.

I found it a bit odd that X2B did not show up at court, since she was requesting her name to be changed back to her maiden name. One would have thought that she would have been there just in case the judge had any issues with the documents so that she could in fact ensure that her name change was entered into the divorce decree, but she was not there.

I find it entirely amusing that not only was I the one that had to file because she would not, not only was I the one that had to sell the house because she wanted nothing to do with it, but it ended up that it was me that ensured her name was changed back to her maiden name. Go figure. I guess that just shows as another example of what type of person she really is. But anyway, it is what it is. There is no sense in wondering about it.

I can say that I am proud that I took the high road throughout this entire process, and I can thank my lawyer for her wonderful guidance and understanding. She kept me on track, ensuring I never lost site of what was important, and we came out on top, considerably, when all was said and done. As we were walking out of the courtroom, we were talking about Bertha. I said, "We really did whoop her ass didn't we?" To which my lawyer responded that indeed we had.

I don't think that I am so pleased that I actually beat X2B in this process, but more so that I beat Bertha. Bertha decided to make this particular divorce case a personal crusade, and I stomped a mud hole in her ass the size of Texas for doing so. She lost this case for her client, and she lost convincingly. I am not sure what type of lawyer tells their client to cash in the accounts that their client's spouse in entitled to, but that was a bad move, a very bad move, as it took my retirement savings and my pension right off the table. Not to mention that X2B is going to be heavily penalized by the IRS because she did what she did. Bertha apparently also does not know how to really practice in DC, and it showed through in the end. She may talk a good game, and try to be all flashy and whatnot, but at the end of the day.........I fucking destroyed her.

Checkmate.

The Last Day

2009-02-23T16:53:00.001-08:00

Dear Diary:

Tomorrow I shall walk into the court, needing to appear before the judge at 9:30am, a married man. Tomorrow, I shall leave the court, a single man (if everything goes smoothly)

Diary, you might be thinking that I have a ton of mixed emotions at the moment as my impending court date, my date with destiny so to speak, gets closer and closer. You would be correct, but I must confess the emotions are interesting. You see, it is really a hard feeling to describe. I have no negative feelings whatsoever. I thought I would, but I do not. Is this normal?

Do I feel good about the fact that I am getting divorced? Well, that answer is complicated because it is both yes and no. I am not liking the fact that I am now going to be a divorced man. However, I am really liking the fact that I am going to be divorced from X2B. Its an interesting sort of situation, don't you think?

You see, I believe in marriage, and I believe in vows. When I said, "I do," I meant it for life. I did not say it with the caveat of, "or until shit gets difficult." I am going to no longer be married tomorrow. Well, let me rephrase that. I am no longer going to be married to X2B tomorrow. I do believe that one day I will marry again, and this time to someone who is not deceitful and does not play games. I believe I will one day be married to someone who understand that marriage is not always easy, but believes in marriage and believes in us. I do believe I will once again find love, and when I do, the last year of my life will be nothing but a distant memory.

I am feeling good about the fact that I am no longer going to be married to X2B. I read someone where that we really do not know the person we marry until we divorce them. Well, before I get into what I have learned, I do have to admit that I find that a bit saddening, because I find it troubling that we only seem to know the person we love when we lose them. I find that to be a shame. Ok, now let's get back on track.

From what I have learned about my ex-wife (very soon-to-be ex-wife if all goes well) is that while I was in love with her at one point in my life, she is really not that good of a person in my opinion. I find it troubling that there are people in this world who give up on relationship so easily because it just suits them. I find it troubling that those people have no compassion whatsoever for the carnage and emotional destruction that they leave in their path as they go about their lives doing only what pleases them, unwilling to compromise, unwilling to understand, and unwilling to listen to or see what it is they are actually doing. But, there are a lot of people out there like her. I mean, would the divorce rate in the United States be so high if there were not?

I do have to admit that she and I have been E-mailing back and forth a bit the last couple of days. It has been in regards to nothing of real significance to tell you the truth, and that is fine with me. It has dealt with taxes, and items, that's about it. She has never asked how I was doing, and I do not expect her to. When I did ask, and maybe it is because I am just that type of person, she didn't respond, so, that question will never be asked again. The reason for the most recent correspondence has been because as I have gone through some of the storage bins that hold many things from my former house, I have found some of her personal documents and articles that I think she should have. Items such as pictures she purchased on one of her business trips to the West Coast, as well as past years tax returns. I do not want this stuff as the only thing it is doing is cluttering up my apartment, so, I asked if she wanted them, and she was grateful that I had even made the offer instead of throwing them away.

She also asked for as much of the Christmas decorations that I was willing to part with, and I said sure, but there was a ton of them and I did not know when I was going to get around to actually going through that crap. I mean, we are talking like a gigantic bin of crap. Christmas ornaments from Pottery Barn, candles, stockings, cards, and so on and so forth. I know that there are a couple of items that she had bought before we moved in together, and those she can definitely have. However, I am in no rush, and neither is she.

She said that I could mail them to her office, but then I gave her the opportunity to meet me somewhere to pick them up as the amount of stuff I am going to send her is quite a bit, and honestly, I do not feel like dropping a couple hundred dollars on postage to send crap that to me is garbage. She agreed, which I found surprising, but she also said I could take my time, which of course, I will.

Sounds like a trading of hostages doesn't it? Except I most likely wont get my cast iron back!

The Irony Of It All

2009-02-22T11:13:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary:

How is this for irony: I struggled with the indifference X2B was showing me for months, yet in the end, it was the indifference towards her that brought me to where I am today.

Talk about irony right? I guess this may be because I was the one that left and she had checked out of our marriage way before I did. However, I find it entirely interesting that it was the feeling of indifference that has allowed me to move forward with my life. Now, I don't want anyone to get any illusions that I am in no way missing being married, because I am. I am just not missing being married to her.

As far as my feelings towards her goes, I could really care less. I have found that not only can I live a fairly happy and productive existence without her in my life, but I am not a mopey, grouchy, miserable bastard without her in my life. If she moves away, I do not care. If she remarries, I do not care. If she is happy, I do not care. If she is miserable, I do not care. If she becomes famous, I do not care. If she becomes a drugged out groupie, I do not care.

I simply do not care anymore, and this is a good thing. To me, she is just someone I knew once, like so many others, who are now just people walking this planet. They live their lives and I am not in contact with them anymore. They are just fading memories of my mind that get dimmer and dimmer by the day. I feel no emotional attachment to them whatsoever.

Maybe indifference isn't the right word, but honestly, it is the only word that I can think of at the moment. What other word can adequately describe the lack of emotion towards someone else? Now sure, I have fond memories of my marriage, and she was an important part of my life, but at one point, not at all points, at not at this point.

The dictionary defines indifference as "a lack of interest or concern." I have no interest in her, her life, her future decisions or lack thereof. I have no concern regarding the same as well. The only thing I am interested in or concerned about is me, my life, and my future decisions.

Ok, so maybe it is the right word. I still find it ironic.

The 24th And Final Week

2009-02-20T06:25:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary:

I am sitting here trying to put the words together to convey the emotions, or rather, the lack thereof, that I am experiencing at this particular moment in my life. Today marks the 24th week since she moved out, roughly six months. Today also marks the final week that I will be legally married to X2B, for on Tuesday, I shall be divorced.

She called me yesterday. When I saw her number show up on my phone, I thought it must have been a mistake. This is a woman who has not called me since May of last year. There have been no E-mails, phone calls, or text messages asking how I was doing, or if things were moving forward with the house. She cut off all ties, and while I was heartbroken for a while because of this, I can only thank her at this point.

Now, she didn't call for anything of consequence. Apparently one of our joint accounts had just a few dollars in it still remaining. The account had been closed, or was supposed to have been closed in May, but for some reason, it did not close. She called to let me know about this (I already knew) and to say that she was going to just deposit the money into the joint checking account and that I could have it (how generous of her). Now, this could have all been done over E-mail. She didn't have to call. She could have just sent me a message and told me that way, but she called. I am not sure why she called really. Was she hoping for me to say that this was over and goodbye because she was too much of a chicken shit to do it? Well, if that is the case, she will never get that satisfaction from me. She wanted the divorce originally, and its going to be happening soon. I am comfortable with my decisions regarding the matter. Now, there may be situations where people remain friends with their former spouses, but this is not one of those situations.

Also, a short while ago, I returned from my lawyer's office where I signed all the documents that will be filed with the court on Tuesday. This was a moment that for the longest time I was dreading, but when it actually happened, I did not feel anything but elation. You see, Bertha is a real piece of work, and probably one of the more unprofessional people I have ever had the misfortune of dealing with. My lawyer wasn't in the office today, so I met with her assistant to sign the documents. Her assistant, who is also a pretty kick ass person, was saying how much of a bitch she thought Bertha was, and that she was so glad that she was not going to have to deal with her anymore. I said something to the affect of, "Well, she is a bitch, and we whooped her ass!" Once I said this, the assistant, the notary, and I all started laughing.

Signing the papers was a liberating experience. It is something for which I have been waiting for months now. I was actually all smiles and laughter as I exited the building where my lawyer's firm has their office. Can you believe this? The end of my marriage is upon me, and I am smiling and giggling like a damn school girl! Talk about a good feeling. I mean, right now, I feel utterly fantastic. I feel neither a sense of regret nor a sense of remorse as to what has transpired the last couple of months leading up to this point in my personal history, and for that, I feel, well, empowered.

Here I stand, before you, a thirty year-old American male, going through a divorce like so many before me and unfortunately like so many after me, and I feel a sense of control and empowerment. I feel liberated from a situation that robbed me of my self esteem, my identity, my fortune (it wasn't that big, don't get the wrong idea), and many ounces of bodily fluids by way of the countless tears I had shed. I stand before you stronger, more aware of who I am and what I want. I stand before you healthier, and while I will not be so bold to say that I am happy yet, it is a work and progress and progress is made on a daily basis. I stand before you a survivor, and believe me, if I can survive this, so can you.

So there you have it my dear Diary. This was my 24th week. And if you ask me, it was a good one.

It's the Math, Stupid

2009-02-18T13:14:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary:

Ok, before I get into my little diatribe about what happened today and what not, I have to say something. I am hurting, and not emotionally hurting, but physically hurting. My legs are killing me and I am walking around like a senior citizen (not to be mean, I love me some old people, really, I do). My chest is still sore from Monday's work out, and I need to stretch. I feel ancient at the moment, but I am loving every minute of it. Pain is sometimes good, and this particular pain is the good kind, but pain is still pain, and it hurts like hell.

Oh, and I am gassy. I mean seriously gassy. My stomach sounds like rolling thunder across the open plain at this very moment courtesy of my good friend dietary fiber. Now, since it is healthy to eat a lot of dietary fiber, it makes me think about something. Do people who eat the recommended amount each day fart all the fucking time? I mean (ok, this is way too much information Diary, but work with me here) when I leave the office, I feel like I am going to explode, and sure enough, my ass lets out a bellow of a sound shortly after I get home, sounding like a tuba in a marching band. Does everyone who eats a lot of fiber have this happen to them, or am I just unlucky? I mean, the trade off is worth it. I am sacrificing the sounds of my colon for a smaller waistline and lower cholesterol, so I will manage. Ok, now that I have that off my chest, or rather, out my ass, let's get back to what I was going to tell you about, shall we?

So, today was supposed to be the day that Bertha sent over the separation agreement to my lawyer so that I could go into the office and sign the papers and be ready to be divorced tomorrow. But, as you can probably imagine, things didn't exactly go according to plan. In fact, as a result of things not going according to plan, I am not going to be divorced tomorrow. But I should be divorced on Tuesday.

So, what exactly went wrong? Well, it all once again boils down to money. More specifically, it boiled down to how we were going to split the mortgage interest we paid so that we could file our taxes. Bertha suggested in her version of the agreement that both parties claim what they paid on the mortgage. Now, that may sound reasonable, but she did not specify how much each paid, and I am not going to put myself into a situation where X2B can just claim she paid everything, file her taxes before I do, and then I am stuck dealing with the IRS. I wanted the numbers in the agreement so there was no dicking around when it came time to file tax returns. Furthermore, apparently, Bertha and X2B were incapable of doing basic math. How is this so? Well, let me give you an example.

Let us say for the sake of argument that a joint checking account has $1,671 in it. Let us say that both parties to the account share the money equally, and are entitled to half of what is in the account. Is it possible for someone to claim that they made a $1,300 payment from said account without stealing money from the other person on the account?

Yeah, I think not, and neither did my lawyer. Numbers are a beautiful thing. Unfortunately, it took over an hour to explain basic addition and subtraction to Bertha and X2B, and in that time, we lost valuable time to get the papers sent over for me to sign. So, now the papers will be sent tomorrow, and I will sign them tomorrow. Fortunately, the judge could see me on Tuesday, so I will be divorced on Tuesday (crossing fingers).

Does this suck? Yes, a little bit. Would it suck more if she came back and said lets work on our marriage? Yes, a hell of a lot more than my current situation. Pettiness is such a pitiful thing.

Six more days, I hope.

Happy Anniversary

2009-02-16T17:53:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary:

Today is my anniversary, well sort of. Like most men, I didn't think about it until about 7pm and realized what day it was. Then it hit me, holy shit, it is my one year anniversary. It is my one year anniversary of the last time I had sex with my hopefully very soon-to-be ex-wife.

Leading up to today, I was of course thinking that I would be miserable. I was thinking I would be locked in my apartment, wondering what the hell happened to my life. I was thinking I would feel depressed and annoyed at how things turned out. And I couldn't have been more wrong.

With today being a holiday, I had the day off. So, unlike most Mondays, I did not wake up at 5am to hit the gym, but I did get up fairly early considering I could have slept in until I just woke up, but the alarm went off at 8:30 in the morning. Then my morning ritual took place. Supplements were followed by a protein shake thirty minutes later, and then it was off to the gym to work on chest. After one hundred sixty repetitions doing chest exercises, I did twenty minutes of cardio, then headed home. When I got home, I downed another protein shake and had a fiber bar. Then, AJ asked if I wanted to meet up around 1pm to take a six mile walk.

Walking with AJ was fun. I met her at her apartment, and then we walked into the city where she lives to make a drop off at the library, and then headed back to her place. I really enjoy the time we spend together, because it is accompanied by good conversation and really just talking about random shit. Today's most random topic occurred when I asked her what was on her mind, and she told me work. She then asked me what I was thinking, and I said something to the affect that in my mind I was thinking how cool it would be to have superpowers so I could clothesline all the cars that were speeding past us on our walk with my arm and tear off the tops and turn them into convertibles. We both got a good laugh out of it. I especially thought it would be funny to tear the tops off of all the luxury cars that were flying by.

After the walk, I drove home and ate because my body was in dire need of fuel at that point. Then, it was making a call to the sushi restaurant that I ate at Saturday which apparently charged me twice, ran over there to get a refund in cash, and stopped by to see Kelly at her office. We then went to the mall and I got scented candles for my apartment (for the ladies who come over, well, should there be any that come over). And now I am writing to you.

I didn't really think about the anniversary until the drive over to the mall with Kelly. I find that odd, but it is what it is and that is all that it is. As far as how I am feeling, I am feeling nothing other than sore after pretty much exercising and running around all day. I am not feeling remorse. I am not feeling sadness. I am not feeling miserable. I am not feeling alone.

Another ghost has been slain. Hopefully, I only have one more left to slay, and that will be on Thursday. Who you gonna call? Yeah, that's right, you know what I am saying.

The Hallmark Holiday

2009-02-15T07:59:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary:

Is it a coincidence that VD is short for both Valentine's Day as well as venereal disease? I mean, they both suck, so maybe it isn't a coincidence. I am convinced at this point that V-Day was contrived by the greeting card and chocolate industries as a joint venture to raise profits.

Anyway, my first V-Day without X2B wasn't all that bad. I did not sit around and mope and feel sorry for myself. In fact, it was a pretty decent day actually. I woke up, hit the gym for a bit and worked up a sweat, then headed over to meet AJ for a hike on the Billy Goat Trail. As always, she looked spectacular.

Now, before I get into the hike, I have to tell you something. I had been thinking of getting AJ a V-Day card (yeah, I am a slave to corporate America, sue me) so I stopped at CVS to take a look at their selection. I saw a man looking for cards for his wife, and all the cards for the wives were sold out, so he was then checking out the more general ones with a loving meaning to them. There were no cards for friends, or just someone that means something to you. I couldn't buy one that would have given off the wrong impression, so I bought nothing. Now, back to the hike.

The hike was fun. I think the reason the trail was given its name is that you need to be a damn goat to be able to traverse the rocks with agility. However, it was a good time, and a great work out. It was nice being outside as the weather wasn't that bad, and climbing the rocks and bouncing from one boulder to another had me feeling like a kid again playing on the rocks of the tidal pools near the ocean. The scenery was breathtaking, and so was the company I was with. I could not help but stare at the beautiful butt that was in front of me while climbing the rocks on more than one occasion, no sense in denying that. After the hike, we went out to lunch, and it was just a pretty damn good day. I enjoy spending time with AJ. Is my crush as hard as it was before? No, it is not, but I would still be open to the opportunity to explore something more with her, but the odds of that happening are slim to shit really.

After the walk, I came home and Kelly had left me a card and a chocolate flower. It made me smile, and I am just thankful that no one had taken it. Then I did laundry. Exciting stuff right? Then Kelly came over, we had a beer, and went out. I took her for sushi, or rather, I took her to watch me eat sushi. Now, sushi is a good thing to eat, it is healthy, simple, and tasty. However, I doubt that consuming forty dollars worth of sushi is good for you. But, since I love it, and was hungry, why not? You only live once.

After dinner, we grabbed a coffee and just went for a drive and talked. We made what apparently was a gigantic loop around the Northern Virginia area, and just sort of found our own way. At one point I realized where we were, and I knew what I was going to be driving past. I was going to be driving past the store that I bought X2B her sterling silver earrings. I was going to be driving past the store that had the changing room that was the last changing room we went into together as I saw her try on a dress for a wedding we were both going to go to but that she ultimately went to alone. I was driving past the place we liked to go to shop when we wanted to spoil ourselves a little bit. I was feeling a bit anxious, and asking myself why on earth did I take this route? However, for some reason, I did not feel a sense of remorse. Although I have the memories, and they are fading with time, the places now are just places, with no significant symbolism or meaning to them. I mean, it's not like the memory of making those purchases or going into those stores is going to stop me from ever going into them again. It just is what it is.

And that was my V-Day.

Now, onto the entire subject of V-Day in and of itself. I think it is a joke. Why must we have to have a holiday to remind us to tell the person we are in a relationship with that we love them and think they are special? Why does this not happen on a daily basis? Why do we need a corporate contrived day to remind us to tell the people we care about that we do in fact care? Not to mention, with all the commercials and advertisements surrounding V-Day, it seems like there is only one set way of getting the day right: the man buying jewelry, chocolate, flowers, and an expensive meal, followed by the woman wearing fuck me pumps, garters and thigh highs. What a crock of shit (even though I am a fan of fuck me pumps, garters and thigh highs). It's like corporate America is setting everyone up for a big let down. It's almost if there is no way to live up to any of the expectations that the commercialism of February 14th has placed upon us. So screw it.

Furthermore, what the hell does it do for someone like me? I am in relationship limbo. I am legally married, yet I am not married. I am not legally single, yet single. The only thing that this Hallmark holiday can do for me is remind me that I got fucked over. Thanks a lot for that one sport. The only thing February 14th can do for me now is remind me of what used to be my reality, and not focus on what is my reality. So screw that too.

And for all the single people out there, this holiday is a bunch of bullshit. What the fuck are we supposed to do? Do we sit at home and watch movies while stuffing our faces full of pizza and ice cream? Do we go out to bars and hope to fine another desperate soul who is missing a love connection on this day, and maybe even get some action in the process? It's like for a single person, you have one choice: be miserable, or be a part of a meat market. Yup, you guessed it, screw that too.

The only good thing to come of V-Day was a good work out, good company throughout the day, and the fact that I survived. The rest of the crap associated with the day I could do without.

23 Weeks

2009-02-13T17:04:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary:

I have made it 23 weeks. Big deal.

I am exhausted. This week was utter hell at work with the amount of paperwork flying around my desk and the early morning meetings three days this week which allowed me the great honor of sitting in traffic on I-395 and wasting an extra two hours of my life. Talk about a great way to start the morning off on the right foot, right?

Other than that, what seemed to me a major meltdown regarding the divorce process was not such a big deal apparently. Bertha has been sick (no, not Ebola, I am not that fortunate) and was not able to get anything done with the separation agreement, but she did manage to move her sick carcass to the computer to send an email to my angel of a lawyer and assured us we would have something by Tuesday of next week. So, hopefully, I am only going to be married for six more days.

Now, my dearest Diary, what am I supposed to do? I mean really. Today is Friday the 13th, and tomorrow is Valentines Day. Monday is a holiday, so I do not have to go into the office. So why I am sitting here on a Friday night with nothing going on, not going out, not near anyone, not near people, and sitting on my ass drinking a Diet Dr. Pepper and talking to you. Oh yes, I forgot, because I am a chump, that's why.

This weekend is not going to be easy, and I will write about it in the next couple of days. You see, I am three days away from the one year anniversary of the last time I slept with X2B. It's funny how sometimes one remembers the last time and not the first time. Well, that is not true, for me, I remember both, as I lost my virginity to the woman I married (talk about cliched right?). You see, wait, crap, this particular subject is going to take a bit to flush out, so I will save writing about it for a few days.

I also have a ton of thoughts on the whole Hallmark holiday that occurs tomorrow, so I will expound upon that in the way you have gotten accustomed to me expounding upon things (with a few shits and fucks thrown in for good measure) most likely tomorrow. Ok, now back to some happier thoughts and our regularly scheduled programming.

TRP is going well. I can actually feel and see some increased muscle definition. If this works out the way I hope it to work out, the women in the greater DC metropolitan area better hold on to the damn panties, and that's all I am going to say about that. One of the good things about waking up so early and working out is seeing this cute blond girl at the gym. She has a nice body, a little bit thick, and a nice ass. The bad thing is being surrounded by a few meat heads who lift but do not break a sweat. Watching them appear to hit on women at the gym is rather entertaining though, and its a good way to crack a smile while lifting heavy weight. I just try not to laugh too hard so I do not break anything should the weights come crashing down and smash something. That has sort of happened before, only with a log instead of an iron plate, and let me tell you, it's as painful as it sounds. Oh, not to mention my leg looked like someone had sewn a softball into my calf. Yeah, I am really going to try to avoid that at all costs, but like I said, it is amusing.

One thing that is definitely true is that I am spending much more money on food. Hell, eating healthy is not exactly cheap. Good fish costs money. So does bison. Thankfully I get my venison for free. But when the hell did chicken become so expensive? Furthermore, vegetables are not cheap anymore. I cannot wait until the pick your own farm opens up again for the season so I can just pick a ton of vegetables and get them at a fraction of the price. This is one thing I miss about being able to walk to Eastern Market on the weekends: the produce. Farmers would come from all over the area and sell their stuff, and it was so much cheaper than at a grocery store, not to mention better quality. I may have to take a trip over there this weekend to stock up on a couple of things, but the thing about produce that always bites one in the ass if you buy to much is that the shit rots. And when it rots, its stinks. So, I need to plan accordingly.

One thing I am looking forward to is using the homemade tangerine cinnamon jam that my friend sent me. I swear, it is one of the best jams I have ever had in my life, and as soon as I tasted it my mind started creating recipes. I am thinking of mixing it with a tiny bit of orange juice and making a glaze for a roasted chicken. Hell, it would even work well with some pork chops. Seriously, and I told her this, the stuff is like heaven on a spoon. I think she should sell it.

And if she does, maybe she can be my sugar momma!

7 Days

2009-02-12T16:40:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary:

Well sport, I have seven days left until my court appearance, and my lawyer and I have still seen nothing from X2B's bloodsucking, man-hating bitch of a lawyer. I swear on all that is good and holy, her lawyer has got to be the single most lazy officer of the court in the history of divorce lawyers.

I mean, her lawyer, lets call her Bertha, is the one that sent over the letter saying she would draft the agreement to bring before the judge in seven days. Bertha is the one that finally threw in the towel, saying that X2B just could not afford this anymore (she has more money in her account than I do, courtesy of my most recent bank statement, thank you very much). Bertha is the one that was trying to find the money under the mattress (nothing but IOUs now). Bertha is the one that said fine, we will sign the agreement and I will put it together.

And with one week to go before court, Bertha has not done jack fucking shit.

I mean, it's bad enough that I am having trouble sleeping because all I seem to be dreaming about is X2B fucking another guy. Dreams such as the one where condoms fell out of her jacket. Dreams such as the one where I heard her humping it up. Ok, so maybe this is a way for my subconscious to process the apparent reality of the situation, but they still suck. I wake up and am fine, well, more tired than fine because it is 5am and I am on my way to the gym, but you get my point. After an hour of sweating, I feel like a million bucks, and the day starts all over again. But at night, when I am alone with my thoughts, that is when I get annoyed.

I get annoyed because this could have all been done in December. This could have all been done in January. This could all be done in seven days but it looks like big Bertha and her minions are going to drag this out a bit just to annoy the shit out of me. Dammit all to hell! So, of course, this is costing me more money because I am having to have my lawyer draft up letters to remind the bitch to get off her ass and get to it.

Well, anyway dear Diary, that is pretty much where I stand at the moment. I am still in legal relationship limbo as some people think its funny to drag this out. Well screw 'em.

10 Days

2009-02-09T17:05:00.001-08:00

Dear Diary:

Yes, I think I am officially losing my fucking mind, thank you very much. I have ten days before I am due in court for what will (hopefully?) be my last day as the legal husband of X2B.

I should be overjoyed at this prospect. I should be jumping up and down and dancing naked around my apartment. I should be celebrating with two tanned, toned, buxom beauties and a bottle of champagne. But no, I am all over the place.

I am a combination of sad, happy, thrilled, depressed, angry, annoyed and terrified. Talk about a roller coaster ride from hell. I am also literally making myself sick to my stomach. I am nauseous constantly, and today, I had to leave work early because I was five minutes away from plastering my cubicle with this morning's breakfast. I know Diary, too much information, but this is what you are here for, so buck up Chuck.

I am also getting annoyed as shit with X2B's lawyer. It has been seven days since the agreement in principle was put down regarding what was going to happen, and we (my lawyer and I) have heard nothing back from them in a week. I told my lawyer that if they pull any type of shit whatsoever, to go after attorney's fees, because I am sick and tired of paying to send letter after letter after letter to little miss high and mighty opposing counsel to remind her to get off her ass and do her damn job.

Now, as far as the being terrified business, well, come the 19th, I could very well have a completely different reality, and then what? Does it change anything other than legally? I think I am more terrified as to how I am actually going to react once the ink is dried on the divorce decree. Am I going to be happy, miserable, thrilled or depressed? It's the great unknown that I find the most troubling. One year ago, my life was great. I was happily married to a woman I adored and cherished, and today, well, not so much. Today, while I have no real complaints regarding my life, it is just not quite complete. I feel something is missing, and because of this, I am worried about whether the divorce being over will give me a sense of being complete, and if it does, what does that mean?

One thing I can definitely say I am happy about is that in ten days, I very well may no longer be in legal relationship limbo. I could be completely single. I will have no ties to the woman that destroyed my self worth, my happiness, or the life that I wanted with her. I will be rid of the person who made me hit rock bottom. I will be rid of the person who treated me with indifference, and treated me like I did not exist. I will be rid of the person that treated me like I was a mistake.

But I am not a mistake, I am a man. Love me or leave me, I know who I am and what I want. And if that is not good enough for you, well, kiss my ass.

11 Days

2009-02-08T09:29:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary:

I think it is really starting to sink in that I may very well be legally single in as little as eleven days. I am experiencing a mixed bag of emotions at the moment, so I figured I would talk to you and let you know what is going through my mind.

On one hand, I am feeling great that I seem to be coming out ahead on the divorce, and when I say that, it isn't really even close. She has no retirement or pension, as she cashed in her retirement to cover the closing costs associated withe the sale of the house. I on the other hand, didn't touch mine. But, as far as the divorce goes, she is not touching my retirement, or pension, or anything else really. She is just walking away.

On the other hand, I am pissed off that it even got to this point. Once the house was sold, I had sent over the separation agreement that she is signing now. However, in the interim, I was served with discovery, and so was she, and I spent roughly $10,000 producing mine. This did not have to happen, and now I cannot recover any legal fees in the separation agreement. This is bullshit. I went from having no debt whatsoever in May, to being roughly $30,000 in the hole as I write this. She could have saved both us of a lot of time and money and emotional baggage had she just signed the fucking agreement that she is apparently willing to sign now in order to keep her skeletons in her closet and not bring them out for the entire world to see.

On the other hand (yes I know I only have two, but work with me here), I am missing some things that I took for granted, and oddly enough, the big one is having a grill. Yes, I know, sounds like a male thing, and it probably is, but I miss my fucking grill! The weather this weekend has been perfect grilling weather. Hell, it is early February and it is 66 degrees out as I write. I could be grilling right now, had I not had to lose my home if X2B and her lawyer would have attempted to negotiate and not try to ram the divorce down my throat on their terms. But such is life. I will have another house, with another grill, and this time, the grill is going to be large enough to cook an entire cow.

I need a beer, so I will continue this later.

Week 22

2009-02-06T06:40:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary:

Today has marked 22 weeks without any significant contact with X2B. Today also marks 13 days that I very well could have left being a legally married man. So, how do I feel about all this, and what the hell have I been up to?

Well, as you know, I seem to be coming out ahead as far as the divorce goes. Since I already told you that, I feel no real need to gloat about it. In fact, I feel no real need to discuss it further until I actually get some documentation from opposing counsel. My amazing lawyer told me that X2B's lawyer will most likely use the draft separation agreement to take some pot shots at me until the time it is finalized. If she does, no big deal. I feel like I am wearing a Teflon coat when it comes to the attacks she will try to hit me with, and their words cannot hurt me anymore.

I also got an STD test. I felt the need to get one because, well, parts of this summer were a bit out of control, to say the least, and I couldn't go through the rest of my life being ignorant to the issue, and possibly give something to a future partner. The test results came back, and I am all clean. I have nothing.

TRP has been going well. I have lost a couple of pounds, and am feeling great, other than of course the minor discomfort associated with being bloated as a result of all the damn fiber I am consuming. I feel stronger, lighter, tighter, and generally healthier. One thing I noticed is that my heart rate, even when doing something vigorous, does not jump off the scales anymore, and this is a good thing.

Ok, now on to a more serious question. How do I feel about the fact that I very well could be legally single in as little as 13 days? Well, honestly, I am a bit numb to the fact that this could be my new reality in less than two weeks. I am not sure how I am going to actually respond emotionally when the judge declares that I am divorced. I am sure it will be a mixed bag of emotions, spanning the spectrum from regret to relief, from sadness to serenity. I guess I will just have to take it as it comes. The only thing that I am definitely looking forward to is that my divorce will be over, and with it, my nightmare will be over with as well.

One thing I can say is that throughout this entire process, with the advice of my counsel, I have taken the high road every step of the way. And for that, I feel confident that everything is going to be okay.

Hot Damn!!!

2009-02-02T17:06:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary:

Well, today started off as any other Monday. Yup, you guessed it, it sucked. I mean, some look at Mondays the beginning of a new week, with new challenges and new opportunities. I would not be among those who do. Monday is a day that is normally a pain in my ass, but this Monday wasn't like any other Monday.

I sent my lawyer an E-mail around noon to see if we had heard back from opposing counsel. I was told that they were going to talk on the phone around 2pm, so I just worked until then. I sent her a message that I had a meeting to go to at 3pm, so I wasn't expecting on hearing anything back from her until later in the afternoon.

So, I got a call around 2:40pm from my lawyer. I asked her how it went, and she said that she didn't need to get into it because I was short on time, and I told her it was ok, I wanted to know. And then she hit me with it.

X2B agreed to sign the separation agreement!

Not only did she agree to sign, I keep my retirement, pension, all my accounts, the car, and she is not touching the joint account I am on with my dad. She is not going after legal fees, not going after anything. She is done.

Why is she done? Well, she does not want to disclose what is on her credit cards, to the tune of $30,000. She does not want to disclose how she paid them off. She does not want to disclose why she lied about her trips. She does not want to disclose who she was with Memorial Day weekend.

I don't know if I have told you Diary, but the reason I know all this is not only because of going through discovery. You see, one of the first things I was told was that when opening a separate account, do it at a different back. X2B did not. Because we only used to get one bank statement, I have seen all of her account activity since she opened it. She did not disclose anything after the beginning of November, yet through my bank statements, I have seen that she was back in Pennsylvania, the same area she was around during Memorial Day, and a variety of other weekends, for Thanksgiving, and New Years. That is right, I have known it all. She has no family or friends in that state. Nada, zero, zip, zilch. She didn't want to disclose anything that would have disproved what she said in her answers to her interrogatory questions, and I bet my bottom dollar that the credit cards and trips held the key to everything, and I was apparently correct. And my lawyer agreed with me. I knew she would just sign, and I was right, and my lawyer agreed with me 100%.

FUCK YEAH BABY!!!

So, what does this mean? In my heart, I won. By not fighting, by not disclosing, she revealed everything. The truth came out by her lack of action. Check, checkmate, game over. I win.

Now, all that is left is the legal procedures that should have my divorce finished in less than two weeks.

I cannot wait to be legally single!

A Missed Connection

2009-01-31T15:44:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary:

Have you ever had a missed connection? You know, the type of event that leaves you wondering, "What if?" The type of event, whether it was a shared passing glance, or a feeling of being connected to something for one brief moment, that left you wondering if there was something more to it, or if it was just nothing at all.

Lately I seem to feel that my life is one giant missed connection. Looking back it seems as though I had many opportunities that I could have taken, and there are a series of events that should I have recognized them for what they were, could have altered my life drastically.

What if X2B and I would have gotten a nice apartment instead of buying a house? Would we have interacted with our neighbors at all? Would we still be together? Would not being young and overwhelmed at being the owners of a piece of property during a financial crisis have changed the outcome of our marriage? I mean, we did not have to buy the house, we could have moved downtown and gotten an apartment that was brand new and very much more affordable than a mortgage payment. We would have been able to double the amount we could have used for travel and seen the world together. But, alas, I am sitting in an apartment alone now, so who fucking knows what would have happened really.

And it isn't just the big things really. Its the little things as well. Take Wednesday night for example, the night the possible flirting happened. I mean, this girl is cute as hell, and was she flirting with me? The problem I have with that question in general is that I am so unaware that I cannot answer it myself. And there I think lies the root of the problem.

Do I pay attention to anything? That is really hard for me to wrap my head around. Sometimes I think I am observant, but it seems that I am more observant of others, and not the actions that are actually happening not so much around me, but to me, if that makes sense. I mean, if I paid attention, would I have seen that X2b was unhappy earlier on before everything blew up in my face? If I paid attention, would I have been able to tell if the Wednesday night girl was trying to flirt or just be friendly since we already know each other? If I had paid attention to me, and what was happening to me, would I have ever weighed 300 pounds, like I did at one point in my life? If I had paid attention, would it have mattered?

Or do I pay attention and I just don't really give a fuck? I don't think this is the case, because I genuinely do care, but it seems as though I care more about others than I do myself. I care more about seeing others happy and content with their lives and what they are experiencing. I believe this is actually not a good thing anymore because I am ignoring and suppressing what is most important: myself.

It is time to open my eyes to what is happening to me and around me when it affects me. It is time to put myself first. I have spent so long trying to make others happy that I have really have no earthly idea what it actually means to be happy myself. If someone asked me to define happiness, I would have nothing to say. I am sure I could tell them what feels good, but I could not say what makes me happy.

I've had a missed connection with the last thirty years, and I am not going to miss anything else.

21 Weeks

2009-01-30T10:33:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary:

Good afternoon my precious. So, we are working on twenty-one weeks since any real meaningful interactions with X2B. Not that the few months we were living together after she decided to bail on our marriage were meaningful, but you get the point.

So, what did this week bring me? Well, I am now waking up at 5am, and that is actually a lot of fun. I mean, so I go to the gym, get in a good work out, and get to look at women in their work out clothes, which is not a really bad way to start the day. One thing I have noticed is that with all the exercise, my mind has sharpened, and I am more productive at work. Hopefully this turns into good references when I find another job (or I win the lottery tomorrow and just tell everyone to kiss my hairy white ass).

Another interesting thing happened to me this week. I had a dinner meeting with a fairly large group of people this week. When I walked in, I noticed someone standing at the bar, who I know since she and I work together on a variety of different things. We don't work in the same office, but still work together on projects and such. Anyway, so I walked over to her and started to talk a bit, and I think she started to flirt with me. Holy fuckin' sheep shit Batman. Is this is what flirting is? Gentle glances, soft little generally unnoticeable touches, small laughs and stuff like that? Really? I think I need to take a refresher course. Oh, and to set the stage, she looked amazing. Hell, she always looks amazing. In my personal opinion, she is beautiful. Not to mention incredibly bright, great laugh, brunette, glasses, adorable, and I mean, just wow. I of course had no fucking earthly idea as to how to react and what to say. I mean, I think I flirted back, but it has been so long since I have actually done it at that initial stage that I may have forgotten how to actually do it. They write books on this stuff right? Flirting for Dummies 101 or something like that? Well, I hope to see her outside of work, because we cannot actually flirt when we are working together since that would be beyond awkward. I will see her in a couple of weeks though, but for work. Crap.

Also, TRP is going well. Today, I worked on legs with four exercises with heavy weight. I did squats, did some calf raises, seated leg presses, and hamstring curls. And then I started to run. When I hit the one mile maker, I think my quads told me to go fuck myself, because my legs just stopped working. And I believe this is a good thing. I worked the hell out of them, and other for the slight pain I am in, it was all worth it. Weigh in is Tuesday to check my progress, and alter my regimen if necessary.

I have also eaten four meals so far today, and I feel like my stomach is going to rupture again. I do not understand how people can eat five or six meals a day. I was full after meal three, and I mean totally full, and I still have one meal to go. Lord help me. And with all the fiber I am eating, I just hope the massive shit that is going to happen at some point does not split my sphincter so wide you would think I shat out a football. Can you say pain? I sure can, and am wincing at the thought of it.

Ok, back to the monotony of my boring ass life.

Round Whatever

2009-01-27T18:18:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary:

So, since you are technically a diary that I write all my thoughts and feelings about my divorce to, I figured I might as well give you an update as to what the hell is actually going on with the big D. Oh, it isn't really pretty.

So, as you know, my wonderful lawyer and I sent a second set of discovery documents to X2B because she failed to show any records as to what she was using her credit cards for. Now, this may not seem like a big deal, but when one has roughly $30,000 (I think that is what it was) in payments to one's credit cards and claims being poor, well then, something is fishy. Not to mention she has a joint credit card with her mother, and her mother always said to use it and she would pay for it. Well, my lawyer doesn't think that X2B and her lawyer are going to fork over the documents, and are going to dick around and object to everything. So, we had to take another route, and say that if the documents are not produced, we would like to schedule a deposition. She would then have to answer under oath about the credit cards, her trips to PA, and other stuff that I am sure my lawyer will ask because, well, she rocks. Won't that be fun?

It will also be tremendously expensive, and cost me at least another thousand bucks. At this point, my lawyer's firm has already staked claim to half of my vital organs and my first and second born children. I am either going to have to donate blood for money, or sell the old baby batter to a clinic to make some cash, because, as you might have guessed it, still no raise at my job, and still no other job offers.

On another note, I had to write out a check to X2B for a little over $500 for a refund from the escrow balances on the house as well as home owner's insurance. That was terribly exciting to do. Hopefully she cashes it quickly. Come to think of it, I should have written, "void after 30 days." I also wrote out another nice chuck of change over to the firm, which means I am now only $5,000 in debt to them when it comes to legal fees. Yeah baby, talk about exciting stuff (as I look for the nearest hammer to bang my head with).

So, now it's just a waiting game. Tick tock tick tock goes the clock, and waiting around for a divorce that could have been done with can suck my cock.

The Road Warrior

2009-01-26T18:22:00.001-08:00

Dear Diary:

Oh my god, I feel like I am going to burst. Five meals in one day, and I feel like I ruptured the lining of my stomach.

HELP ME!!! What the fuck have I done to my body? Oh my god, I was agonizing in severe gas pains because of all the food I ate today. When I finished my fifth meal around 6pm, I believe my colon was trying to jump out of my ass and tell me to go fuck myself. My stomach was literally yelling at me. As it made a gurgling sound as a result of all the fiber that I had consumed (like 40 grams, holy shit), it was screaming, "Dude, oh my god, what have you done? This is worse than Guinness and scotch eggs all night, with a side order of nachos and a gigantic bean burrito from Taco Bell!!!"

On the other hand, except for the actually loud rumbling was happening inside my bowels, I felt fine, great even, and I had a ton of energy. That must have been the result of those delicious protein shakes that I consumed. I mean, chocolate, banana, with a hint of peanut butter to start off the day? Sign me up for that one chief.

I was however scared shitless (no pun intended) to go home and sit upon the porcelain throne because the way my stomach was making noises, I thought I might shit out my liver.

But I will fight on! Nothing short of my small intestine prying itself out of my belly button will stop me now! That is right fiber, my arch enemy (actually, it is good for you, fights colon cancer), I will consume you, I will fart you, I will shit you, I own you! Protein shakes, you are my bitches! And protein, oh glorious protein, with your lightly seasoned chicken breasts, and your succulent salmon (I cannot wait to cook some venison and bison), I will break you down and make you surrender!

That is right, day one on TRP, and I am a Road Warrior. I am not giving up just because my body felt a little discomfort. Ok, a lot of discomfort, especially when it was time to, um, drop a deuce the size of a Buick. The workout this morning was refreshing, and I cannot believe I waited this long to work out in the morning. Other than the alarm clock going off at 5am, this was great. Stopped and got a coffee afterwards and I am not talking about a gigantic mocha choca latte with eight billion calories, just regular coffee, with very little half and half to cut the acidity, and a couple of Splenda. Hell, I even had time to iron when I got back, get ready for work, do the previously mentioned four S's, and I made it into the office around 8:20am, forty minutes early.

I think I am going to love this.

The Road Path

2009-01-25T17:57:00.001-08:00

Dear Diary:

I am writing to you because I am scared fucking' shitless at the moment. Why you might ask? Well, let me tell you.

Tomorrow morning my alarm clock is going to go off at 5am. Tomorrow morning I will be hitting the gym early. Tomorrow morning begins phase one of the redefined (hopefully I will be very defined when all is said and done) process of destroying the old me. Now, you are probably wondering what the hell that drivel is supposed to mean. Well, let me try to elaborate as best I can.

A friend of mine has set me up with a detailed plan that will, if everything works out the way it should, get me to around 200 pounds by May or June. Not only will I be 200 pounds by then, but I hopefully will have a toned and defined physique, well, at least fairly tones and defined. Gone will be the days of not being able to purchase clothing in higher end stores or hell, even designer shit because the products do not fit right. Gone will be the days of me feeling self conscious about my appearance and therefor shy when I am around beautiful women, or women in general for that matter. Gone will be the days where I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, "What the fuck?"

So, let's give this project a little name. I think I will call it The Road Path. Now, in order to prepare for The Road Path, TRP for short, I had to make a trip to GNC to pick up some supplements and proteins. Now, as someone who has never shopped at GNC in my entire life, I was a bit overwhelmed when I first walked in. The place is stacked with shit I have never even heard of. I mean, what the hell is L-Glutamine powder? Well, I will tell you what it is: one of the supplements that I will be taking, along with a few others that have fancy scientific sounding names, and Muscle Milk Lite, and another protein powder. So, after dropping a couple of hundred at GNC, I have what I need as far as nutritional supplements taking up a large portion of my counter space. On the upside, I do finally now have a consistent reason to use the fancy blender I got for a wedding present. I know it is in working order, as it as only been used a couple of times, and hell, I might as well get something out of it. It is pretty damn fancy if I do say so myself.

Along with purchasing my scientific chemical cocktails, I went grocery shopping and stacked up on proteins, vegetables, and fiber. Oh, the dreaded dietary fiber. There is nothing like feeling bloated on fiber and ready to shit at the drop of a hat, let me tell you. But, it is necessary for good nutrition, and the fiber bars on the market these days actually taste good, so I will go with it. My freezer also has about, oh I don't know, twenty-five pounds of protein in it at the moment. If you want some good salmon, I got it. If you want some nice chicken breast, I got it. If you want some tuna steaks, you guessed it, yours truly has got it. Hell, I even have bison and venison. Yeah, that's how I roll.

So, tomorrow morning I will wake up at 5am, and take the first dose of supplements to get my body moving. Then, after I do some ironing, I will make a Muscle Milk shake with some added fruit and a tiny bit of peanut butter. Then, I head to the gym where I will have supplements in my pocket and a water bottle filled with another one of the powders (I hope to holy fuck-all no one thinks its blow) and do some lifting, followed by cardio. Then, its back home to take in another shake, shave, shit, shower, and get ready for work (the three S's just became four).

I will be eating "lunch" probably around 10am, another shake with some nuts and a piece of fruit around 1pm maybe, and then dinner, hopefully around 6pm. That makes five meals, three of which are shakes, per day, for the next five to six months. Holy shit I am probably going to want to explode.

The plan is hopefully to allow me to drop a few pounds a week while gaining muscle mass and increasing muscle definition. So, if it is waking up at 5am from here on out, and eating five meals a day from hear on out, to get with it, then I am going to do it. Now, I have been on weight loss plans before, most notably Weight Watchers, and it worked. I stopped attending because X2b and I did it together, and honestly, I did not want to go to a meeting and have people ask where she was. The thing about weight loss plans, in my opinion, is that one cannot get discouraged if one does not see immediate results. Weight loss is a marathon, not a sprint. It takes determination, will power, endurance, and courage, and I have all four.

So, tomorrow, The Road Path begins. Diary, you may have to forgive me if I do not write to you as frequently because one of the things I must do is get seven to eight hours of sleep a night, and that means you and I are not going to be able to to talk as much at night like we generally do. But, I am sure I will be able to get in some quality time with you, so don't you worry your pretty little head off.

Ok, so I must bid you farewell as I prepare for tomorrow. I am scared because it is something new, yet excited because it is something new, if that makes any sense.

Soon-To-Be Ex 2.0 starts tomorrow.

Week 20

2009-01-23T10:06:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary:

It was been twenty weeks that I have not had contact other than through divorce proceedings with X2B. Twenty weeks have passed, five months have passed, and I still think about her on occasion. Today was one of those occasions.

I was stupid enough to Google her. Stupid mistake. She changed her name on her organization's web page. Gone is any evidence that she was a part of my life in public. It has all been erased. And how do I feel about that?

I feel relieved. I thought I would feel a sense of sadness when it actually happened, for I knew it was coming, but I did not. Does that mean I am healed? Oh I highly doubt that, but it does mean I have made significant progress. I was also shocked that I did not feel any sense of sadness because she did this before the ink was dry on the divorce papers. Hell, we don't even have a decree yet, but eh, such is life.

My lawyer and I also got a letter apparently from the opposing counsel going back to asking for $5,000 to settle this. Um, I think that I already said no to that one, and after they made us go through discovery and force me to spend a significant chunk of change, it's even less likely now. I look at it as just another way to try to get X2B from having to disclose what she spent all her money on, or possibly trying to conceal the affair I think she had. So, of course, we responded that we are not in a position to discuss settlement until after her second set of discovery documents is sent over. That being said, we did give her an out. All she has to do is sign the separation agreement sent over after the house was sold, and we can be divorced. So, I guess I am just in a holding pattern to see how this is going to play out.

I also heard from BB this week. She wants to plan a trip down to see me, which would be fantastic. We have a lot of fun together, and it would be nice to be able to hang out with an old friend. Even though we talk and text on occasion, we haven't seen each other since Labor Day weekend. Oh, and she said she misses my face. That made me smile like you wouldn't believe. I mean, it would make anyone smile when a blonde bombshell who is unbelievably sweet and kind and caring tells you that.

Other than that, I need a fucking massage. I hit the gym last night, ran two miles, and lifted for about an hour, and I am a tad sore at the moment. However, I am looking forward to doing it all again tonight.

Yes, I have a boring life, but it's my life, and I am fine with it at the moment.

The Dawn Of A New Day

2009-01-21T06:47:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary:

I write this one day after the inauguration of Barack Obama as the 44th President of the United States. The reason why I did not write to you about this yesterday was, in all reality, that I was exhausted. But, I was there. I was in the crowd of roughly two million people that was on the National Mall, freezing, to witness history.

My day got going right around 5am. After crawling out of bed and putting on four layers of clothing, I ran over to get a coffee and drove on into the city. Traffic was not as bad as I had thought it would have been, since apparently everyone in and around the city decided to take public transportation. So getting into the city was not bad at all. However, once in the city, different story altogether.

For example, at one point, I am sitting in my car on a main thoroughfare in DC. I was allowed to be there, and there were also a ton of police around. This was at about 5:45am. However, there were also thousands upon thousands of people walking everywhere, trying to get to the Mall so they could see the ceremony. So, what ended up happening was the street I was on was turned into a parking lot. The police could not control the crowds, so everyone on the street had to back up, turn around, and find an alternate route. Fun times.

So, I finally pull in to where I am heading (13 blocks from where I was sitting in my car) about two hours later. Yes, you heard me, two hours later. As I was leaving the car, AJ called me. I had given her my extra ticket, and she was excited to be able to go, so that made me happy that I could share the experience with her. Anyway, AJ was about 4 blocks from where I was, so after taking care of the one thing I had to do, I ran, literally, over to her.

Now, let me just say this. While news reports and such were saying how massive the crowds were, there really was nothing like seeing it up close and personal. DC was a fucking zoo. While waiting in line to go through security, it literally took AJ and I an hour, to cross a street. Yes, an hour to cross a street. An action that generally takes a matter of seconds took an hour. Oh, and for the record, AJ looked adorable. She was so cute in her little hat, and for some reason, she seemed shorter, which makes no sense really, but hey, I am rambling. She was adorable.

Now, we got in line at about oh, 8:40am. I think we made it through security around two hours later. By that time, we were both frozen solid, and the wind was not helping much. The forecast had called for thirty degree weather, but it ended up being closer to twenty degree weather. So much for layering, that is all I have to say. Now, some may think that I was just on the Mall, but I actually had tickets for the Capitol grounds, so I can say that I was only about 150 yards from where history happened. Now how fucking cool is that. The spot AJ and I picked out to watch the ceremony was completely unobstructed, and I have some pictures of President Obama giving his inaugural address. However, the one thing that got in my way as far as the view was the teleprompter. My pictures show his body, and part of his head, but that's it. Dammit.

Anyway, it was so fucking cold that AJ and I started to make our way out before the speech was finished. Fortunately, since the crowd was so thick, we did hear the entire speech, and I thought it was a good one, set in a tone of hope, yet realistic about the challenges ahead. On our way out, we debated on which Metro from which she should take the train, and after talking a bit, decided to make our way over to Union Station. On the way, we decided to try to grab a quick bite to eat at on of the restaurants over there.

As we were walking over, while we were in front of the Library of Congress, I looked over towards the Capitol and saw the president's helicopter. I remembered that this is where the departure ceremony for the former president takes place. We made our way over to East Capitol Street, and had a clear view of the departure ceremony, and I was able to take a couple of nice photos. This was something that I have never seen before, and it was pretty cool to say the least. AJ and I joked that if we hadn't decided to go over to Union Station, we would have missed everything.

When we got to the restaurant, it was closed for a private event. Well crap. So we headed into Union Station and looked for a place to just sit down and grab something to eat, but everything was closed due to preparations for one of the inaugural balls so I just walked with her to the Metro. I gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek and said goodbye, grabbed a coffee and made my way back out in the cold to head over to my office. After sitting in my office for a little over an hour (I thought I would hate this, but honestly, I needed the time to thaw out, I was a popsicle) I headed home, exhausted, still a bit cold, but thrilled nonetheless.

Reflections:

I know there are some who may think that the inauguration of a president is just a lot of pomp and circumstance, and to an extent, they would be correct. This was my second inauguration that I have attended, the first one being the inauguration of President Clinton to his second term in 1996, and yes, much of it is very ceremonial. However, yesterday was different.

Yesterday was the dawn of a new day for many, not just here in the United States, but around the world. Because of this, I will forever be grateful that I was able to be a part of it. Although no one is ever going to be able to look at a picture of the enormous crowd and point to a dot and say "there you are," I was there, and I have pictures. I was there, I was a part of something meaningful for so many. Yesterday, not to overly simplify it or anything, I showed up.

So I will bask in the glow of the moment for a little while, and then I will get back to doing what I have been trying to do for the last eight months or so: survive.

19 Weeks

2009-01-16T12:09:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary:

I am exhausted, literally, exhausted. Yesterday was an interesting day to say the least, and it was so fucking cold out I didn't feel like doing much of anything when I got home, so I ordered delivery, and I am sure the cheese steak, cheese sticks, and jalapeno poppers are really taking their toll. So, remind me NEVER to eat shit like that again.

This week was not so bad really. Once I got some stuff out of my system and talked to some friends about how I was feeling, I am feeling much better about myself. I know that X2B's possible affair has nothing to do with me. If she indeed did cheat on me, and the evidence I have and everything I have read on infidelity these past months points to it, well, that is just her being selfish and running away from whatever type of issue she was dealing with. And that, I cannot help her with. She made her bed, and she can sleep in it.

The only bad part about this week was that I got my most recent invoice from my lawyer. Now, my lawyer is a rock star, and she is as sweet and I think really does feel bad about my situation, and this is probably the reason she gave me a $2,000 discount. However, even with that discount, I blew through my retainer like a fat kid at a candy store (I am over weight, so I can get away with saying things like this), and I now owe my lawyer another $7,000. I swear I almost spit out my coffee all over my computer at work when I saw the bill. Holy fuckin' sheep shit Batman. So this means that to date, just my legal fees are about $17,000. If you factor in what I had to bring to the table to close on the house, add in another $15,000. And so I have a running total of my divorce costing me roughly $32,000. Now please excuse me while I go try to sell one of my vital organs on the black market.

Now, as far as my personal life is going, well, its going. I mean, there is nothing really exciting happening. I am not dating, nor do I have a girlfriend. I think it is best to wait on the girlfriend part until after the divorce is over because I do not want whomever I am in a relationship with to have to deal with the stress of my situation. It just would not be fair. I still have a crush on AJ, but she has been bogged down with work and I haven't talked to her much recently. Hopefully the separation (sorry, only fucking word I could think of) will allow the crush to subside, but I doubt it will.

As far as that goal I had a while back, you know, losing thirty pounds, well, um, not so good really. I actually gained three pounds over the last two months. I am not sure if this has to do with lifting weights like they held within them the answer to all of life's questions or what not, but other than last night I am eating healthy but the weight just isn't dropping. So, I think I need to alter my fitness regimen a bit. I am going to run to the store either tonight or tomorrow morning and get some winter work out gear. Going to the gym in shorts and a light fleece is not that comfortable when it is fifteen degrees out. Once I get this, I am also going to start waking up around 5am, and hit the gym in the morning for an hour to an hour and a half. Then, on nights I am not working late, hit the gym again for another hour to an hour and a half. So hopefully I will be able to fit in roughly two to three hours of exercise each day. That is the plan anyway.

Working out is a great release I think. Not only can I work on my body (if I get abs, women are in serious trouble) but I can work on my mind as well. Might as well kill two birds with one stone, otherwise, I am going to be putting off the thing that I need to do most:

Work on me.

Why I Am Not At Peace

2009-01-13T17:38:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary:

Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, the clock is ticking and I have so much on my mind and I do not know how to put it all into words, so you are going to have to forgive me if this makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, but I will try my best. Also, I think my English teacher would have just had a heart attack after reading that first sentence and definitely would have told me to chop it up a bit and make it more sentences and so forth. But, I am not necessarily one that follows rules all the time.

I am not at peace because I do not know the truth about what ultimately caused the downfall of my marriage. Diary, you are probably thinking, "Dude, it has been how many months now? Snap out of it!" But I can't.

To me, the truth is absolute. It is in the search for truth that I find what makes life interesting. I know, it may sounds like a purely philosophical concept (I minored in philosophy), however, it really is simple when you think about it. The truth is not always what we want to know, it is not always what we want to hear, but the thing about the truth is that the truth cannot lie to you. While the truth may let you down at times because it is not what you expected, you know where you stand when you are confronted with it. You are able to make an informed decision when the truth is presented. You are able to understand because the cloud of deceit is no where to be found. The truth is pure, it is simple, and it is concrete. And that is what I feel I do not have, nor will I ever have.

Why do I say this? Why am I bringing this up now in what is going to try to be an in depth reflection of what happened? Why, after so many months am I finally confronting this? Well, like I said, the truth is not always pretty, but it is what it is and that works for me.

Diary, you know my story. In February, X2B were enjoying the tropics during Valentine's Day. She had to travel when we returned, and I had planned a nice and somewhat elaborate dinner for her that I knew she would not only understand what sentiment was behind it, but would appreciate. About two weeks after our trip, and before she was getting ready to leave on another one, I had recreated the very first dinner that I had made her on our first Valentine's Day together: broiled lamb chops seasoned in fresh herbs, mashed potatoes with garlic and shallots, and a nice salad. I had bought her favorite flowers, and had them arranged in a nice bouquet. I went out to the market to pick up everything while she went running, and when she came home, and could smell everything, and bounded up the stairs, she was so happy. She was so excited about what I was doing, and telling me with such giddiness in her voice how it was so perfect.

Fast forward a couple of weeks, and she returns from her trip out west, and the next day flying to visit a friend and calls me from the airport with the "we have to talk" statement, and everything went downhill from there.

Now, for the last few months, I have read article after article about infidelity, and how people carry themselves while they are having and affair around their spouse. Now while I wish I wouldn't be able to say this, her actions were textbook adulterer. The taking phone calls and saying it was no one, the deceit, the masking of where she was, she did it all. Here is an example.

This past Memorial Day, X2B told me she was going to go to the beach with her boss and some of his friends. We got into an argument, a big one, and then I went to work. When I had gotten home, she was gone for the weekend. I E-mailed her a few times during the weekend, and asked how the beach was, and she said it was fine. She did not respond that often. When she got back, I asked if she had a good time. She said she hadn't, that I had made her so upset that she just house sat for her boss, who owns a home in Maryland, right outside of DC, and just stayed there all weekend. Now, fast forward to discovery. I look at her bank records, and she was in Pennsylvania. Furthermore, there are many trips to Pennsylvania, on weekends she said she was going to a friend's place, over the next few months. Apparently she worked over Thanksgiving, catch my drift?

The reason I am not at peace is because, while I may know the truth in my heart, I have not heard it from her. I find that completely disrespectful. I feel as though she feels as if she treats me like I do not exists, then there was no one she really cheated on because I am not here, or I was not there rather. And that bothers the shit out of me. Unfortunately, I cannot confront her with this because my lawyer does not want me to contact her directly, and I do agree with her advice.

So, I have to somehow come to terms with the fact that the one thing that will give me closure, or at least get me closer to it, I will not likely ever have. I will not likely ever hear the truth from X2B, and that has kept me up at nights. The larger question I ask myself is really why I even want to be involved with someone who treats me like this, and to be honest, I don't. However, it appears some part of me still does because I for some stupid reason am having trouble letting go.

The truth shall set you free. So I guess I am in prison (or at least that is what it feels like right now).

Week 18

2009-01-10T10:40:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary:

You know, sometimes I think my divorce is like the Energizer Bunny. It keeps going, and going, and going. Some days I wonder if X2B actually wants a divorce, or if she is just enjoying screwing with my head. Once the house was sold, my lawyer took everything that was already agreed to, and then changed the house language on the separation agreement to reflect it was sold and each was free of liability to the property. But then X2B changed her demands.

Another thing she did, or rather did not do, was complete her requested discovery. We had asked for her credit card statements, as well as pay records. Apparently, credit card statements are not available because she pays her bills online (um, HELLO? Where the fuck do you think the statements are?). Also, I guess the bookkeeping at her place of employment must be completely crappy because no one keeps records of what staff was paid what. Remind me not to refer anyone to work there would you please?

So, this week my lawyer and I had to send a second set of discovery requests, asking for all credit card statements so we could see what she spent her money on. In her original discovery response, she had said that her American Express card was for things outside of work, since she had a work credit card, and that it was personal. Unfortunately, one of the things her response showed was over $20,000 in American Express card payments. She also claims that she has not furnished her apartment. Apparently she must feel that it was more important to travel to, well, I don't know, Australia, than buy herself a bed. As far as what we received in discovery, such as bank statements, let's just say that there is nothing she submitted that I didn't already know.

So, I sit here in my eighteenth week not angry, not sad, not happy, but agitated as hell. This divorce could have been completed before January, and now it is going to drag on for at least another couple of months. What a crock of shit that is. Aside from the divorce stuff, work sucks, and my boss pretty much gave me the freedom to leave whenever I choose to. Hopefully, that will be sooner rather than later.

So, this has been my eighteenth week. Hopefully my nineteenth week is better, and hopefully, there aren't many (who the fuck am I kidding?) more after that.

Pondering, Part Deux

2009-01-07T20:40:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary:

So, this is the second installment of the new and entertaining prime time series I like to call "Pondering." The pilot episode has received rave reviews (in my own little head), so, the networks have decided to pick up the series for its entirety. I want to apologize first if the writing is crappy, but come on now, not every show is a hit, so roll with it. There might even be some appearances by some buxom babe with a great smile and an apple ass, so bear with me.

So, the pilot episode attempted to delve into one of my great mysteries. This one is going to hopefully do the same as well, but, since many of the thoughts that ran through my head that night are similar, I am going to do a few of these en bloc to try to save some time (the fewer episodes, the greater the chance for a quick entry from the aforementioned babe). So, tonight's lucky lottery winners are:

-Am I ever going to be ok?
-Will I ever heal?
-How much fucking longer is it going to take for me to heal?
-Why don't they make ointment for emotional scars?

Ok, so, in order to answer the first one, I need to figure out the third one to be able to answer the second one, and well the fourth one is just something I was wondering because if anyone ever figured it out we would all live happily ever after. So, let's begin

Will I ever heal? The answer to that question is a resounding yes. Diary, you might be thinking, "Damn, you are one confident prick aren't you?" Well, yes, I am, and that is the reason why the answer to that question is yes. I am going to heal because I want to heal. I think some that go through divorce do not heal because they truly do not want to heal. They do not want to think of themselves as an individual outside of their marriage because for some, their marriage defined their identity. I think I actually had this problem. I did not really date prior to meeting X2B, only really had a girlfriend in high school, so I did not have a track record of dealing with a serious break-up. For me, for a long time, I identified myself first as a husband, and secondly as a person, and to be honest, that was not fair to myself, nor was it fair to X2B in hindsight.

I am going to heal because I want to. Now Diary, I am not saying that this is not a painful process at times, because, well, it is. I think it is always challenging and sometimes painful to really find yourself and learn about who you are because sometimes we do not like what we find. We find it painful because we are scared to truly know ourselves and out potential because many of us have a self image of ourselves that does not really measure up to the truth. We try to portray ourselves as something we are not in order to impress, and honestly, the changing societal attitudes towards appearance and status do have something to do with this in my opinion. However, that does not change the basic fact that I do want to go down this path, and because of this, I will heal.

But how much fucking longer is it going to take for me to heal? Well dear Diary, that is a subject up to a variety of factors. Looking back through previous entries, I can indeed say I have healed considerably from the sudden collapse of my marriage. I am much better off emotionally and mentally than I was six months ago. That being said, I still do have triggers. I still find myself thinking at times about her, and wondering how she is doing. When I think of this, I remind myself that X2B is trying to royally screw me over, and that feeling passes. But, as long as the triggers persist, the journey to being healed will continue. I can honestly say though that the triggers are becoming less and less frequent. I think, over time, once the ink is actually dry on the divorce decree, I will be healed, especially since this is apparently going to take a while, so time is on my side. I mean shit, I am only 30, and I still have a lot of living to do.

Which brings me to the other question. Am I going to be ok? Yes, I will be fine. It is not like I have been struck a fatal blow. This is divorce, not death, although sometimes I think death would be less painful. In the grand scheme of things, divorce is nothing. Hell, it's a walk in the park relatively speaking. I still have my health, I am still employed, I still have my family and friends, and I still have my sanity (arguments to the contrary notwithstanding). So, yes, I am going to be ok, eventually. Hell, honestly, I am ok now, I just don't always see it. So, yay to me!

And now for the final great mystery. Why don't they make ointment for emotional scars? I mean seriously, why hasn't someone figured this one out yet? (Maybe I should patent the idea now, no?) Wouldn't it be nice to drop into CVS or something and go to the pharmacy and say, "I have a prescription for Heart Happy Creme, but my insurance only covers the generic brand." Someone needs to come up with this. I think the world would be a happier place. Once after you suffer for a bit of time, your doctor can prescribe you some happy creme (get your mind out of the gutter Diary) and everything would be baby ducks and daffodils. I like this idea, I think I shall work on this.

Ok, now that I got that off my chest, I am going to go pass out.

Pondering

2009-01-06T15:16:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary:

The other night when my brain wouldn't shut up has made me thinking. Maybe the reason why it won't shut up is because I haven't actually dealt with the things I need to deal with. For all the progress that I have thought I have made, I still find myself wondering at times how she is doing, who she is with, what she is doing, and why she seems to have just completely cut me out of her life like I was a cancer.

Well, I am not a cancer. I am a human being, and I deserve something better than that. I deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. Now, respect is earned, and that I know, but at least treat me with dignity because I am a human being.

So, I am going to try a little experiment, and explore in detail each of the things I was thinking about that night. One of the things I was wondering about has weighed heavily on my mind in recent weeks, and it's high time I dealt with it, so here we go.

Did X2B love me, or did she love who she thought I could be?

I don't know why I cannot get over this. I think it may have to do with the complete and total feeling of outright rejection. Like I got to a point where I just was not good enough for her. I was good enough for her when she was chubby, but when she lost her extra weight, I was not good enough anymore. She thought she deserved better, but what exactly is better?

Is the fact that I would have moved heaven and earth to make her happy not good enough? Is that fact that I did not cheat on her ever good enough? Is the fact that I desired her each and every day not good enough? Is the fact that I let her be an individual and do things on her own like going out with her friends and going to visit her friends by herself when she wanted to not good enough?

If that was not good enough, which apparently it wasn't, then what did she exactly want me to be? What type of person was she trying to make me into so that I fit her mold of what a good husband was? I got tired of the times she compared me to other men. Like the time she talked about how her coworker was able to lose twenty pounds easily, or how her friend's husband adored her, or any other time she talked about how great another guy was and how they did things that I did not do. I also didn't particularly enjoy the fact that she had a picture of a person she worked with on occasion that was apparently on her "list."

You know, that list of five people who your spouse was supposed to give you a pass if you slept with someone on the list. She told me that her and her coworkers were joking about their lists, and that one of them put a picture of one of her list people on her Blackberry. I sat there with a stone face as she said this. She asked, "Don't you think that is funny?" I responded that I didn't because I didn't have a list, because I only wanted her. She couldn't seem to believe that I didn't have a list, but honestly, I didn't.

I guess that if she didn't love me, but that she loved who I could be, I feel cheated. I feel like I was lied to the entire duration of our relationship because I was never good enough. I feel as though I let her down, and I hate that, because if anything, she let me down by never being honest. She let me down because she did not have to be with me but chose to be with me and then just walked out when she realized that I was not the man she wanted me to be, I was just the man I was, and that wasn't good enough.

If I wasn't good enough then, then why didn't she just spare me the heartache in the first place? When she dumped me the first time, why did she come back begging to get back together? Why, why on earth would she do that? Is she that much of a mind fucker that she wanted to see if she could destroy a perfectly decent man?

I will never know, and I have accepted that I will never know. Even though I want to be a dad, I thank the good Lord that I never had children with this heartless banshee.

Brain, Shut Up Already!

2009-01-04T21:59:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary:

Ok, Diary, I need your help to get my brain to be quiet. It is 1am Monday morning, and I have to be up in five fucking hours to get ready for work and the old noggin is running a billion miles a minute and it is stopping me from going to bed. "But what is running through your head idiot," you might say. Well smart ass, I will tell you.

-Am I ever going to be ok?
-Why can I still hear X2B's voice in my head?
-Why am I afraid of falling for someone?
-Did X2B love me, or love who she thought I could be?
-Will I ever heal?
-How much fucking longer is it going to take for me to heal?
-Why didn't they make ointment for emotional scars?
-Seriously, is it 1am already?
-Why do I have such a big crush on AJ?
-I wonder what AJ is wearing?
-Does AJ think I am cute?
-Are her lips soft?
-Why wont my weight drop even though I hit the gym like a crack fiend?
-Am I ever going to roll the dice again knowing I could get hurt?
-Can I handle being hurt again?
-Am I destined to be alone?
-Why oh why is AJ so adorable?
-Why am I such a chicken shit?
-What is work going to be like this week?
-Will I ever find a job that pays me enough?
-What would happen if I got you published Diary?
-Would I make the cover of Newsweek?
-Would it make a good movie?
-Who would read this shit?
-Why didn't X2B submit her financial records in discovery like she was asked to do?
-What was she trying to hide?
-Is she trying to conceal an affair?
-Is she trying to conceal money?
-Does she know the shit I already know?
-Should I write about what I already know when she submits it?
-If I saw her on the street with another guy, what type of a chump takes another man's woman?
-Am I going to get laid anytime soon?
-Why is there so much hot ass in the DC area?
-Does said hot ass notice me?
-Why do I feel invisible?
-I wonder what she tastes like.
-Would I just be trying to replace something if I got into another relationship?
-What is dating like?
-Should I put a stripper pole in my bedroom?

Like I said Diary, a random hodge podge of bullshit that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever and it is keeping me up at night. And no Diary, this is not a result of too much caffeine. This is a result of a brain that will not chill the fuck out for once.

So brain, read this as I write it. Relax, do what you have to do to get through this, but for the love of all that is good and holy, please let me sleep. That type of sleep where one dreams about power and glory and fame and hot well endowed ladies with skin so soft and tan on their very long and toned legs who want nothing more than to make you coffee after giving you a morning blow job to start your day off on the right track. Yes, those dreams sound nice.

My 17th Week

2009-01-02T19:53:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary:

Today marks seventeen weeks. I will not bullshit you and tell you that the last week and a half has been easy, because it has not been easy at all. It has been hard to get through, but I got through it, and I am still in one piece. Or so I think.

I was unfortunate enough to suffer through the Triple Crown of emotions the last week and a half, dealing with Christmas, New Years Eve, and X2B's birthday in quick succession. I have felt highs and lows, and the roller coaster is definitely not over yet. Sucks to be me at the moment to tell you the truth.

I know I have come a long way in the last seventeen weeks, but it is not far enough, and I must continue to move forward. This is my task, and I will meet it head on. I just wish it wasn't such a struggle at times. I so desperately at this point just want to feel normal again. Some days I do, but most days I feel like my entire world is spinning and it is never going to stop. I feel like I am holding on for dear life, and the life I have doesn't feel like it's worth a damn. I wake up, I work, I work out, I come home, I eat, I do nothing because I don't want to spend any money because I am looking down the double barrel shotgun of over $20,000 in debt that I am now in as a result of the house. I had to borrow money to pay the mortgage, and I had to borrow money to meet the closing costs, and I have had to put things on credit cards because I can't afford to outright purchase the things I need to replace. I hate being in debt, and if it wasn't for the separation and divorce, I wouldn't be. I had no credit card debt and my student loans were paid off, and I feel like I have been set back a decade. Fuck me.

On another note, The Girl now has a nickname. I will call her AJ. A stands for a variety things really, amazing and adorable being two of them, and J stands for her first initial. Diary, I thought I would just clarify, well, because AJ sounds like a boy, and well, I didn't want you to get any wrong ideas. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but this fella likes breasticles, not testicles.

Anyway, I am smitten with AJ, and she knows it. She knows that I would love to be able to sit on a couch and cuddle with her and gently kiss the back of her neck, and of course do a variety of other things with her. I have told her this, and she is aware of it. But, alas, it will never be I am afraid. I seem to be attracted to women who ultimately are looking for something else in a guy, and I am just not it. I mean, I don't really blame them. No woman really desires to be with a pudgy guy with a hairy back. I guess that is why I feel so alone at times. X2B didn't seem to mind at all, but then things changed and I was no longer good enough, and I felt rejected. And if I keep being attracted to women that are looking for something else, I am just going to keep feeling rejected and unworthy.

Now some may think that I am just trying to replace what I had with X2B with AJ, and they wouldn't be further from the truth. My feelings for AJ are legitimate, they are real, and unfortunately I do not know how to turn them off, or even if I want to really. Some delusional part of me thinks that maybe if I turn them off that she would notice and maybe she would look at me differently, but I doubt it. This is what is so hard about being in the "friend zone." I do not want to lose her as a friend, because she makes me laugh and I genuinely enjoy spending time with her and joking with her and shit, but there are so many times I just want to tell her to shut up, spin her towards me, and kiss her ever so gently to let her know that I am there, and I can't do it. The consequences could be disastrous, and I would hate for her to hate me because I ruined something.

Maybe that is something that I need to work on. I am so worried of letting people down. Sometimes I am so worried about it that I let them walk over me and then I end up letting them down because of that. Sometimes I feel as though I have to uphold this stupid fucking image that some people see, and when I let them in, they see there is so much more to me, but because of it, the image is weakened and then I am not as much, if that makes any sense at all. Diary, I don't know, I am rambling.

The only thing I know right now is that today is X2B's birthday, and the only person I would like to spend the night with is AJ. Issue one is getting better. Issue two is getting more complicated by the day, and it is like a fucking train wreck waiting to happen. I just hope the carnage is manageable.

I want AJ, and I am not talking about being in love with her or marrying her down the road. I am talking about getting to know her as a person, maybe being in a relationship with her that is more than platonic, and at least trying. That is really all I want, just a chance. But it seems the universe is against me on this one. It feels as though it is preordained not to work, and that everything is set in stone that nothing will ever move past friendship. Its like a well oiled machine that is already running on its own course, and I am not driving it.

So I figure I just need to find a big fucking wrench and knock the universe off its course for a bit.

Fuck destiny. I make my own.

Happy Birthday

2009-01-02T12:20:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary:

Today is her birthday. For the first time in, wow, six years now I am not wishing her a happy birthday. I did not get her a card. I did not buy her a gift. Last year at this time I was out of town for work on her birthday. This year, I am sitting in my office, catching up on stuff since I have been gone the last couple of weeks. For some reason I am fighting the urge to wish her happy birthday, and I do not know why, and honestly, it is freaking me the fuck out.

I don't think of her often. I think about others, but not her. But today, I cannot get her voice out of my head. I guess I am writing this so that I can figure out a way to make it stop. Maybe if I get out what I am feeling then maybe it will stop. Or maybe not, but who knows really?

The thing that triggered everything was me reading again her discovery responses. For one thing, she didn't disclose any financial information, and didn't say anything about her wanting to leave me and refusing marriage counseling. She just basically bashed the hell out of me and painted me as an abusive monster. She also chased in her retirement to pay for closing costs on the house, forgetting that I am entitled to half of the marital portion. She is trying to paint herself as a financially poor victim, and is trying to take me for everything I have (have left rather, cause it ain't much).

And this triggered something. Part of me thinks that if I just wished her happy birthday that I would prove to myself that I am better than her because I have the compassion to acknowledge an other's existence, whereas she did not when I had my birthday this past June. Part of me is wondering what she is doing, if she is with him (if she did have an affair, which evidence points to but it isn't conclusive) and if he bought her earrings from Tiffany or a nice pair of shoes like I did last year that she couldn't stop smiling about. I wonder if she wears those still or if she threw them away.

And then I wonder why could she be so fucking heartless and deceitful and why do I still even care? I guess I care because I just don't get how one person can do something so gutless to another person. I have never been able to do that to another human being, I am just not built that way. I let others climb upon me when they need a rock because I can handle the pressure. Maybe because its because I am not very emotional by nature, more logical and I go with what my brain tells me more often than what my heart tells me. I don't necessarily think there is anything wrong with that either. If there is, I am sure there are millions upon millions of people in this world that have something wrong with them apparently.

But I sit here Diary, and I wonder. I wonder if I am good enough for anyone, and I hate that. I hate that feeling of being not worthy, where in fact I should be feeling the complete opposite. I should be feeling that X2B was not worthy of me. I should be feeling that her entire family was not worthy to have me be a part of it. I mean, get this right, so, if X2B did have an affair, she would just be following in her family's footsteps. Her grandmother, according to X2B, had I think four affairs. Her dad left her mom for another woman. Can someone please tell me why I would even want to be associated with these fucking people? Inhale, exhale, release.

So screw it, today is just another day now. She doesn't want me in her life, then fine. I told her at the beginning of all this that there was going to be no happy medium where we remained friendly. At this point, I wouldn't piss on her if she caught on fire for all the crap she is putting me through.

Inhale, exhale, let go.

Repeat

Cleaning Out My Closet

2009-01-01T17:31:00.001-08:00

Dear Diary:

I have a confession to make. Yes, yours truly has a confession to make. I am an asshole, or rather, can definitely be one at times. I know you are completely shocked by this aren't you? Yeah, sweet little old me can be an asshole, and a really nasty asshole. You know the kind, the one that is well, just a fucking asshole.

You see, I have this little problem: I am observant. Oh dear Diary, you may ask why is being observant such a problem? Well, it is a problem. I pick up on things that most don't, and I pay attention to things that most cannot see because they are too busy with their own self absorbed lives to really see what is going on. I pick things up and can read between the lines when people are talking about things that are important to them. I can hear what is unspoken. And it is a curse.

The reason I can be an asshole, and I say this more to help myself realize something that I need to continue to work on, is that when I am backed into a corner, I lash out, and I use what I have observed to cut people down verbally to the very core. What I can say may not seem that big of a deal to anyone, but to the person to whom it is directed, it cuts like a chainsaw right at the heart.

"Yeah, so what, some people are like that, so that does not make you an asshole," you might say. Well, the difference that I have is that I do not easily feel guilt.

Interesting little problem I have isn't it? I think I do not easily feel guilt because I can justify my words in my mind because it has become a defense mechanism of sorts. I was like this with X2B, for instance, when she told me that marrying me was a mistake, or on the days she just showed no emotion whatsoever and laughed at me and said divorce was the only option. On those days, I unleashed a torrent of words that would make anyone cringe, but I the words had an even bigger impact because of their intended target. Afterwards, I do not feel guilty because I feel as though I was triggered to do this and that the person should not have backed me into a corner.

So for that, I apologize.

Now, on the the bigger issue of me not feeling guilty very easily. I have been thinking about this for the last couple of weeks now and I have struggled with how to focus what I wanted to say about it because it is not easily understandable, not even in that gigantic cranium that sits atop my neck. I think it has been so hard for me to deal with because of the emotions and feelings that were brought on my the disintegration of my marriage and what I thought was my life.

You see, when X2B left, I felt guilty, really really really really really really fucking guilty. This was something that I was not really expecting, and it took a while to get over the feeling of guilt. Compounded with what I was observing, it felt as though I were watching a movie unfold that I was starring in, yet I had no control whatsoever over the script and improvisation was punishable by death.

I felt guilty because I felt as though I was to blame for the end of my marriage. That was all X2B ever told me. It was me that had to change, it was me that needed help, it was me that caused this, it was me this and me that, and never once did she acknowledge her having any role whatsoever in the end of our marriage. It was my fault, and my fault alone because I was the one who didn't allow her to stand on her own to feet. Excuse me? Can someone explain that to me please?

After therapy, countless hours writing to you, my dear Diary, and way too many bottles of beer, the guilt faded. On top of that, going through discovery really opened my eyes to what appears to be actually happening, and it seems, based on the evidence, one would easily conclude that she was having an affair and was too much of a coward to admit it.

So, I do not feel guilty anymore about my marriage ending. I know in my heart that I tried to save it. I was the one who proposed marriage counseling and she was the one who refused. I was the one who tried to get her to open up, and I was the one who seemed willing to do anything to stay with her. But her mind was made up, and she did not, in the end, choose me.

Knowing that I did all I could, I can live with that. I do not feel guilty because of that. Quite the opposite really.

I feel at peace.

2008 - A Year In Review

2008-12-31T09:16:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary:

If memory serves me correctly, this time last year X2B and I were running errands around this time as we were having our friends over for dinner to ring in the New Year. We had made a homemade macaroni and cheese dish using a combination of goat cheeses, and in one pan, we mixed in some tomatoes and spinach. We also had a couple of bottles of good wine that we had picked up, as well as a nice salad, and well, you get the point. Diary, you are probably wondering how in the hell I am remembering all the minute details, but sometimes, I just can. I can even remember the conversation that was had that night.

Funny how so much has changed in one year, and it's even funnier how quickly this year went by. The house I was eating that dinner in is now someone else's house. The plates I ate that dinner on are no longer mine, which is also true with the silverware and the pots and pans that were used to make said dinner. The company that we had that night only speaks to me now. The person I was sitting next to that night at the dinner table, I now sit across from and on opposite sides in this messy little war of a divorce I have going on.

So, lets do a quick recap shall we? January was a great month. Things seemed to be going well, and X2B and I started planning a trip to Jamaica. February was good and Jamaica was fun. X2B claims she fainted there and I didn't pay attention to her. My friend who was sunbathing next to her didn't know she fainted. No one did. Anyway, we got back from Jamaica, she gave me a framed photo of us, and I recreated the same dinner I made on our very first Valentine's day. I even got her her favorite flowers. With a sense of excitement, she said it was perfect.

Then her trip to Denver happened and life pretty much went down to tubes and spiralled into outright hell in the months of May and June and July. And well, you know the rest Diary because I have been telling you shit for months now. So 2008 pretty much sucked cock and balls, and not in a good way. (Big props to The Girl by the way for also saying this. Eh, I'm smitten, and she knows it)

So, as I sit here on the last day of a crappy year, I look towards to future. What will 2009 bring me? Surely it cannot be as bad as 2008, I mean, nothing can top 2008 in my book for a complete disaster of a year. I mean, I lost my wife, my marriage, my relationship with her completely, my house, my money, and for a long while, my sanity and sense of self worth. Yeah, I don't think 2009 can top that at all as far as shit going wrong.

So, here is a little letter to myself that I can look at at the end of 2009, and hopefully things will have improved drastically over the past year:

Hey You,

Welcome to the first year of the rest of your life. Your life as you knew it is over. Deal with it, move forward, forgive but never forget.

Why do I tell you never to forget? I tell you this because for you to forget would mean for you to forget all the lessons that you have learned. You should never forget those lessons. You should not forget how the words and actions of X2B made you feel. Not so much so that you can dwell on them, but so that you can realize that they were just words and actions of a broken human being who was using you to make herself feel better. You deserve more, and in this upcoming year, maybe you will even find it. However, don't be a sorry sack of shit feeling bad about yourself if you don't. You are a prize, and any woman would be lucky to call you her partner. You are loyal and thoughtful, you are kind and sincere. You are a rock, and one day a woman will have the key to your heart, but do not go giving it away freely.

Yes, you had a bad 2008, but you are still alive. You have come so far from where you were in March. Remember the nights out drinking so that you could forget and dull the pain? Yes, those are gone. Remember the constant crying because you could not believe what was happening to you? Yes, those are gone as well. Remember doubting yourself everyday, thinking that there was something inherently wrong with you because you felt that no one really loved you? Those are gone because you have come to the realization in 2009 that you must love yourself first, and then everything has a way of falling into place.

Now, look at what you accomplished in 2009. You quit dipping. Yes, I know that it wasn't easy, but it was time. Not to mention no woman really wants to kiss a guy with worm dirt in his mouth. And look at it this way, by quitting dipping, you saved $1,750 this year on just not buying tobacco products. You were able to bank that money and help yourself pay down the large debt that you incurred to get the divorce finished. So hats off to you buddy, that was a major step.

You also got to know who you really are as a human being and as a man. You know who you are and what you want, and I think at this point (if you were lucky enough, because let's face it, you need to be lucky in this one) you might have even met a woman who you want to be with for the long haul. I don't tell you this because you might actually have her in your physical presence, but more because you know now, without a shadow of a doubt, in your heart and in your mind what type of woman you want to be with. And that is important.

Also, look at you now you sexy beast. You made it a point to get off your ass, stop eating everything that tasted good that wasn't good for you (well, you did have some cravings that you gave into, but since it wasn't every day, you get a pass), you lost weight, got toned, and are healthy. No more not shopping at stores like J Crew and Banana Republic because the clothes they have do not fit you. No more feeling sorry about your appearance. Fuck, no more feeling sorry about yourself. Did it take a while to do it? Yes, but all your hard work paid off now didn't it? I am pretty proud of you (or is it proud of me?) that you did this for yourself and you did it on your own. Did you have some inspiration, yes, and you know who that was because you want her badly, but don't get too ahead of yourself there sport. Inspiration is good, but you didn't get all weird and shit, so high five to that. I mean, don't you feel better about yourself when you go to the beach and take off your shirt? Yeah, I know, you are still hairy, and the back wax was not the most comfortable thing in the world, but shit, you look good, enjoy it. The tan looks good on you.

Now, was 2009 a challenging year? Of course it was. You were trying to find your place in this world, and everything was in essence new to you. That was ok, and there was nothing wrong with that. You had some tough choices to make, but you felt good about the decision making process that ultimately led you to make your decisions. You always knew that life wasn't perfect, that there would be challenges, but one of the things that you learned the most this past year was that those challenges are not the end of the world. Things did get better with time. You are a happier and more emotionally healthier person you were during 2008, and that is a grand accomplishment.

You also stopped being a pansy ass and stood up for yourself, what you believed in, what was important to you, and who was important to you. You have always been a shy man, and there is nothing wrong with that, but in 2009 you came out of your shell and let the world in. Little did you know just how much you were going to let the world in, but you are where you are now and your life is fuller and richer for it.

Now, I really do not know what else to tell you other than I am proud of you. There are obviously things I am not telling you now because you don't need to be told some things for they are better off left to the imagination and discovery. Call me an asshole for that if you will (you'd be calling yourself one idiot), but such is life. There is no road map to it, so there are just some things that you are going to have to figure out for yourself.

Now, stop reading me. You are in Hawaii and that beautiful brunette you have waiting for you to go down to the beach and kiss to a new year is waiting for you, and trust me, you do not want to keep her waiting. 2009 was good, 2010 is going to be even better. (Hey, I can hope for you that this happens while you read this, I mean, I am you, and I can dream just as well as you can)

Signed,

Yourself

Perspective

2008-12-26T23:29:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary:

It's 2:30am on what is now Saturday. I had of course figured I would have been in bed by now, but events have stopped that from happening. Tonight really put a lot of things in perspective for me, and I realized and know that while I am dealing with a pretty crappy situation, I have it easy.

I was sitting on my couch with The Girl (who by the way needs a nickname, and I will think of one sooner or later) watching a movie. She had come over and we were just chilling out and were about oh, maybe twenty minutes into the flick when my phone rang. It was my brother. At first I thought to myself that I should just let it go to voicemail, but I answered.

He called to tell me that my dad was car jacked outside of the house, and that I should come over to the house and be with him because my brother had to go back to work. He told me the police where there, but that I should come over. I told The Girl as calmly as I could, that I had to go, that my dad was car jacked, and I had to go into the city. I apologized for this happening, but she felt more sorry about it than I did, and actually seemed more worried. She does have a heart of gold after all.

Anyway, I drove into the city, cursing like a drunken sailor, not because this had screwed up my night, but because some fucking idiots of parent didn't raise their kids to be normal. No, they had to raise a bunch of fucking punks who think it is funny to car jack fifty year old men who walk with a slight limp. God damn punk ass kids.

So I get to the house and walk right on in, and there are a few police officers and some detectives. I though they would stop me or something at first for just walking in like I owned the place, but then I remembered in a way, I do, so, I just walked on in. My dad was standing at the kitchen sink, and I could not see his face by my brother had told me they pistol whipped him. I heard my dad say to my brother that he should call me back because there was no real reason I needed to drive all the way into the city to be there. Then he turned around.

His face looked like something out of a horror movie. It wasn't bruised or anything, but his face was caked, from forehead to neck, in blood. And not just a small amount of blood, a fucking ton of blood. Dark, red, somewhat fresh, blood. There was a cut near his eye and one on his forehead. His clothes were covered in dirt from when he had fallen to the ground. I asked him if he was ok, and he was surprisingly fine, probably as a result of a combination of shock and adrenaline still flowing through his system.

My brother told me that they had already caught the punk ass motherfuckers who did it. Apparently, as soon as my dad hit the ground, he had called 9-1-1, and within minutes, police were on the scene and other cop cars were following my dad's Jeep with the perps in it. Now, I have a lot of opinions on the police in the city, and some are not that good, but sometimes, when you call, they are on it like flies on shit, and this was one of those times.

After my brother left, my dad cleaned up, and he and I and one of the detectives hopped into the detective's vehicle and went to the scene where they had caught the rat bastards who took my dad's shit and beat him. Poor fucking dumb ass kids flipped the Jeep, trapped themselves in it, and the poor little shits were a bit banged up, so they were going to the hospital, after of course they were identified. That was fun, but not as fun as my dad identifying the gun that was used to pistol whip him. The Jeep was completely totaled. I just wish the fuckers who did this would have suffered a bit more. They could walk, so they got off easy if you ask me.

As we were driving back to the house so that the ambulance could take my dad to the hospital to check his hip (he had hip replacement surgery and since he landed on it, it was bothering him immensely) my dad joked that it was a good thing he didn't get shot because I would have inherited a ton of money which X2B would had certainly tried to go after. I of course reminded him that inheritance is not subject to divorce and cannot be considered assets that can be divided.

However, this got me thinking. My dad could have been shot, killed, or severely beaten and put in the hospital. No matter how bad my life may seem at time as a result of all the bullshit surrounding my messy divorce, my divorce is a cake walk relatively speaking. People have horrible things happen to them daily, and unfortunately, sometimes it hits close to home. Me, while I sometimes think I have been dealt a crappy hand, my life could be a hell of a lot worse. I could have lost my father, and thankfully I didn't, and that really is an understatement.

In the grand scheme of things, divorce, while it sucks while you are going through it, is a joke compared to the real everyday things that happen to people. People get robbed, raped, shot, murdered, see their homes burn down or swept away by a storm, so who am I to complain about how bad my life is?

I am going through a divorce. I would go through it every year for the rest of my life if it meant that I never had to see my dad's face covered in blood like I did tonight.

If you ask me, fuck, I have it easy.

So This Was Christmas

2008-12-25T22:31:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary:

It's officially December 26th, the day after Christmas. I can say that I made it through what I thought would be the toughest holiday to get through without X2B, and I made it through in one piece. Actually, I made it through in much better shape than I thought I would originally.

Today was a weird day. If it weren't for the actual holiday cheer bullshit in practically every window and storefront while I was out and about, it would have seemed like just your ordinary day. The weather here was a nice fifty degrees for the most part, much warmer than I had anticipated since just a few short days ago it was windy and below freezing. But such is the weather around these parts, always changing, and always unexpected, almost like my moods today.

I finally rolled out of bed around eleven in the morning after a good night's sleep. Unfortunately, I overslept, so I awoke to a splitting headache, as well as not much time to wrap the presents that I did not wrap the night before, drop off Kelly's gift, then head on down to Woodbridge to see my dad, brother, and some extended family. So, it was a pleasant little bit of running around the apartment trying to remember where I put the wrapping paper and getting everything together so that I could be where I needed to be at 2pm.

So, at 2pm, I finally leave my apartment and drop off Kelly's present, then make a quick run over to Dunkin Donuts to grab a coffee and hit the road. The drive wasn't too bad, just cranked up the stereo and listened to a CD that I had picked up a couple of days ago and drove on down. I of course was stuck on the road with a bunch of fucking idiot drivers who were taking their leisurely Sunday drive on Christmas. And it's a Thursday! And on a major highway nonetheless! Apparently, not a single driver in the state of Virginia has ever gotten the memo that you do not, and I repeat, do not drive the speed limit in the fast lane. That is why they call it the fast lane. You move faster in the fast lane. You are not supposed to drive in the fast lane and get passed. But not in Virginia!

So, I got to my cousin's house, and had a couple of beers, and ate a good bit of food. After a couple of hours, gifts were exchanged. I felt like a bit of an ass because I did not bring anything, but I really felt good that my cousins (my second cousins) thought about me enough to get me a little something. It made the day go by that much easier. After that, I drove home, and have been here since about 6:30pm.

I guess the main reason why this day felt so weird to me was because I in no way felt sadness. I in no way felt remorse, or guilt, or loss, or anything negative. It was just another day to me, another day on my journey from married man to being single. I didn't wake up and cry and feel like my life was over and that today was going to suck balls. No, my day just well, was. That may or not make any sense, but it's like when someone asks you how it's going, and you just respond that it's going. That was my day, not necessarily good, but not bad either.

And you know what, I am ok with that.

Tis' The Season

2008-12-24T12:42:00.001-08:00

Dear Diary:

Today is Christmas Eve. Tomorrow will be the first Christmas I have not been with X2B in five years. Well, with her in a relationship. I do remember that for the Christmas of 2004, we were in different places, but we were still together, and there was still talking on the phone and wishing each other Merry Christmas first thing in the morning because we were both excited.

Not tomorrow.

Tomorrow, I will wake up, probably wrap up the four gifts I have left to wrap (four gifts I have to wrap period) if I do not take care of it tonight, and then head over to my dad's. At my dad's, we might have breakfast, do a little gift exchange, and then I will come back to my apartment and be by myself. There will be no smells of Christmas cookies baking in the oven, nor will there be smells of a turkey roasting in the oven for Christmas dinner.

There will just be me, some coffee, nicotine, a couple of movies, a book or two, and you, Diary. later in the evening, I am heading down to Woodbridge to go over to my cousin's house for Christmas dinner. My cousin is really my dad's first cousin, so my second cousin, and, well, you get the point. I really do not view them as cousins. They were not the cousins I grew up with, and quite frankly, although they are family, I could do without the dinner tomorrow.

Tonight, I am also going over to my dad's other cousin's house, this one in Herndon, to have a little bite to eat and maybe a cocktail or two. Her son, my third cousin (?) is also getting a divorce, so I am sure we will crack jokes and commiserate with each other while everyone else asks a fucking ton of questions about how we are doing and so on and so forth and I will leave right before I feel like slitting my wrists.

Then I will come to an empty apartment, one that looks like any other apartment on any given day of the year. There are no Christmas decorations up anywhere. There is nothing to give off the impression that I even celebrate Christmas. There are no vestiges of the holiday season anywhere in my place. Tonight, and tomorrow, the only thing decorating my apartment will be loneliness.

I think the thing I find most frustrating is that I no longer know how I am supposed to react to such feelings and emotions. I am beyond sick and tired of feeling alone, and when I do feel alone, I no longer react in any certain way, if that makes any sense. Furthermore, I am not sure if I am supposed to be heartbroken tomorrow morning, or I am supposed to be elated because I made it as far as I have made it, or I am supposed to feel like a complete loser who is doing nothing but wishing for a miracle in the form of a car accident so I never have to feel again. That's a bit fucked up if you think about it, if you ask me.

Diary, the thing is, I know what I am going to be missing tomorrow. I am going to be missing waking up next to someone and leaning over and kissing her on her forehead and wishing her a Merry Christmas. I am going to miss the excitement of going to unwrap the presents that are under the tree, and I am going to miss cooking a nice Christmas dinner with all the trimmings.

I guess the big question is how much am I going to miss those things? Or am I going to wake up and be ok without them?

Time will tell.

Where Did That Come From?

2008-12-21T13:48:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary:

I am in a very weird place mentally at the moment. I feel fine, yet I know I am not fine. I feel a bit numb and dazed yet I do not know what is causing most of it. Last night something happened. Something I am no proud of at all, and in fact, I am a bit ashamed by it: I lost it.

You see, last night started out an a pretty decent high note. Some friends and I went out, or rather, they dragged me out of my apartment, to shoot some stick and have a few cocktails. That was a lot of fun, and it was good blowing off some steam. But I probably had one, or four, too many.

So myself and two of my friends, both women, take a cab back. Oh, as a disclaimer, we are all going through different stages of divorce. When we got back to one of the girl's apartment, one of them was crying.

Now, I had a bit to drink, and something started welling up inside of me. I knew the pain that the woman crying was going through, and I knew where it was coming from, and why she was doing it.

Now here are where the details get fuzzy.

I told my other friend I had to go. I knew what was going to happen. She said she needed me to stay. I said I couldn't. She said yes. We started arguing, or rather I started yelling. I told her to shut the fuck up (it was beginning and I could not stop it, and I knew what was going to happen). I started yelling that she didn't understand. She was in a different place in her divorce than I was. She had more time to process things. She just didn't get it. I knew where that pain was coming from. I knew it, and I hated it because it was still in me, locked into a little box that I had sealed off, and it was beginning to come unglued, and quickly.

It was bubbling up inside me, all the fucking pain and hurt and despair and anguish and hate and jealously and anger and self-doubt and insecurity and, well every negative emotion that I had. It came pouring out in a torrent, like a hurricane of pain that I could not control. I started sobbing uncontrollably, bawling my eyes out. I have never cried that hard in front of anyone. Hell, I do not think I ever cried that hard at all. Not in my entire life.

I hit rock bottom. And I hit it hard.

Unfortunately the details are a bit fuzzy because of the amount I drank, but those emotions, that feeling, will never be forgotten. It will haunt me for a while, or maybe it won't. Maybe that was the release that I so desperately needed to get out. Maybe that moment was the release of the last amount of pain that I had within me. I sure hope it was. I do not know if I can handle that type of breakdown again.

I have been a bit numb since then trying to process exactly what happened within me. I have been trying to understand why, after all this time without her, I was hurting so much. I have been trying to cope with the fact that I do not feel quite right. Nothing seems normal. My daily routines have not been steady, and I find myself falling backwards, not moving forwards.

Fuck, maybe its just the holidays.

Wanted

2008-12-18T20:55:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary:

Am I wantable? Well, first of all, is that even a word? If not, someone needs to call Webster's, because I just created it. I don't feel wantable. I don't feel wanted. I feel invisible. And that feels pretty shitty.

I feel like no woman is going to give me the time of day. Now don't get me wrong, I know I could get laid and what not, but I am not talking about sex at all at this point. I am talking about being in a relationship with someone. I do not feel like a woman is going to give me the time of day, at least not the woman I want to. And this is not speculation anymore. I am in the "friend zone."

I don't understand why I always am attracted to women who ultimately do not want me the same way I want them. It's like I continually set myself up for disappointment and heartache intentionally just so I can remind myself what it feels like to feel like a loser. The thing is I knew what she was going to say when I told her how I felt. I knew she was going to say that she was not attracted to me that way and just wanted to be friends without actually saying it because she didn't want to hurt my feelings. I knew she was going to say something like, "I hope this doesn't change our friendship." I knew how it was going to make me feel, and I did it anyway. Talk about a fucking glutton for punishment.

Who was I to think that for once, just once, the nice guy wouldn't finish last? Who am I to upset the fucking order of the universe when nice guys like me constantly get passed over or shit on while assholes and fucking dirt bags get greeted with thunderous applause? I am just one guy, that met a beautiful girl and just felt something, and I could not turn it off. But oh well I guess, right? This is not the first time and won't be the last I am sure.

I guess what troubles me the most is that this girl seemed to be put in my path at an exact period of time for a specific reason, and I cannot for the life of me figure out what it is. We are so similar, it's almost unbelievable. It's like if I could ask God to create the perfect woman for me, this girl would be it. But she isn't, and she never will be. What a load of crap that is ugh?

I think I ask the original question for a couple other reasons. You see, I am emotionally at the end of the divorce part. I think I wonder if I will ever be wanted more because of the "what's next" part. I mean, did I miss my only chance that I will have at a loving relationship when things fell apart with X2B? Will I ever find someone who wants me and accepts me, faults and all? Or am I being selfish and trying to have my cake and eat it to by thinking that I am entitled to a certain type of woman, like the girl was?

I mean, as far as the divorce goes, it's a done deal. The only thing being argued about now is money. I know that when the papers are actually signed that I am going to feel like shit, but I am expecting that and I will be able to deal with it accordingly. But now, this is different. I am more scared of the future. I mean, I am just an average guy and I am under no illusion that I am the most handsome one out there, and the love handles and spare tire around my waist aren't doing me any favors. But that doesn't make me any less of a human being for being me.

With the girl, I knew I was just setting myself up for disappointment. And now that she knows how I feel about it, I imagine it is going to be a bit awkward for a little while. Hopefully that does not last very long. Once that period of uneasiness is gone, I am officially in the "friend zone." I will be the one that she tells anything and everything to. I will be the one to reassure her that she is doing the right things, or that she is doing a good job at something. I will be the one she rants to about work.

And I will be the one who will be standing on the sidelines, hoping one day that she would want me.

Showdown

2008-12-18T14:45:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary:

The offer submitted to X2B through counsel was rejected. Apparently, my money is not good enough, or at least the amount of money I can afford is not good enough. X2B's lawyer sent a pretty condescending letter to the effect that there would be no settlement discussions prior to discovery being brought forth. Also, she mentioned that X2B was willing to settle back in July, and that I refused to settle.

I for one after reading this was a bit annoyed. It appears X2B's counsel thinks that she can have it her way. Um, excuse me, divorce is not Burger King. She cannot just have it her way, period, end of story.

So, it looks like this royally annoyed the hell out of my lawyer (who is a rock star by the way, thank you very much). Our response to the letter stating that X2B was willing and ready to settle, blah blah blah, in my opinion, is phrased for the effect of knocking my opposition down a few rungs on the ladder, except using a Howitzer just to make sure they get the point.

Some of the highlights, unfortunately not to be shown on Sportscenter, include the following: the expectation could not, or at least should not, be that I would accede to the terms set forth by X2B in July; it did not seem necessary to disclose non-marital assets since they are not subject to distribution, but I made them available anyway since they wanted to see them; X2B said she would settle for $5,000, and I responded with $1,000; and X2B's counsel pretty much has her head up her ass because she her claim as to why it was necessary to file discovery happened AFTER the house went under contract. Oh, not to mention that X2B has not been forthcoming with regards to her assets, liabilities, and everything else that I have claim to.

So, with all this now documented, I am sending over my discovery next week. I think X2B and her lawyer are going to be shocked to say the least. Where they think they will find money under the mattress, there is going to be nothing but dust bunnies and receipts for all the bills I have paid. Where they think they are going to find mountains of assets, they are going to find mountains of debt.

Is it Karma? Who knows, but this is about to get very, very interesting.

Oh, and if there is a ton of debt on my end, is X2B liable for part of it, since we are still legally married? Interesting question to say the least. I may have to look into that.

Funding

2008-12-16T17:23:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary:

I wonder if anyone has set up a fund to take contributions to help offset the cost of their divorce? I mean come on, how brilliant of an idea is that? I wouldn't be $20,000 in debt. I wouldn't be on the verge of having nothing in my savings account. I would actually be able to pay off credit cards and save money rather than have to go deeper into the hole. I should have thought of this earlier, especially considering what happened today.

So my lovely lawyer (no really, she is pretty fucking fantastic) called me up today with an idea to just offer X2B cash to settle. Not a lot of cash, only $1,000, but still, it's money I really do not have at this point And not only that, it's the principle of the matter. Why is it that (and of course this is only speculation at this point as I only have circumstantial evidence) she can have a fucking affair, and I end up getting screwed? Why? Why in the name of all that is holy is that fair? Can someone please tell me this? Please? I am so fucking livid at this point that I even have to entertain the thought of giving that woman a cash payment so that this can be settled.

It's bullshit.

But, on the other hand, if she will take a grand and forever be out of my life, I think it's a price I am willing to pay for my sanity. Now granted, X2B's lawyer is a royal fucking pain in the ass, and quite frankly, she is the type of lawyer that gives lawyers all over the country a bad name in my opinion. It seems as though she is treating this divorce case like she was an ambulance chaser. But whatever, that is something that she has to deal with, not me. I can sleep with a clean conscience.

Grrrrrrrrr

Yeah, so I am a bit ticked off. This does not seem fair whatsoever. And to make matters worse, I just got off the phone with my dad and he of course thinks I am crazy for even thinking about it. But it's too late. The offer was sent today. Settle and walk away, or incur a bunch of legal costs. However, I wasn't so stupid as to leave this open ended. There is a deadline for accepting the offer.

And it is not negotiable. Oh, and it does stipulate that I get my pots returned. Ahh fuck me.

I'm Tired

2008-12-15T19:23:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary:

I sit here in my apartment wondering what the hell happened to my life, and I am tired. I am tired of wondering. I am tired of second guessing. I am tired of remembering the dreams that were shattered. I am tired of feeling alone and lonely. I am tired of not being happy. I am just plain tired of everything.

Now my dearest Diary, this is not a cry for help. As tired as I am with life at the moment and everything swirling around me like I was stuck in a bad storm, I will not give up and quit. I am just hoping there is some sort of light at the end of this deep and dark tunnel, and I am hopeful that I will still be somewhat normal and whole when I come to that point.

I am just tired of being alone. I know it hasn't been that long, relatively speaking, but I am alone. Other's that go through divorce, those with children, they are never truly alone. But I do not have that. I am a man without children. Am I lucky to be going through this not having children? Probably so, but it doesn't make it any easier.

I guess I am just wondering if I will ever be able to have a healthy relationship. Will I find someone that gets me? Will I find someone that wants to be with me, faults and all? Or did I lose the only shot at love that I was going to have?

I don't know what came over me all of a sudden, but I felt like I needed to get it out. Maybe it's because I have a crush (yes, I have a crush on a girl) that will in all likelihood, just be another crush I have that never materializes into anything other than being put into the "friend zone."

I am sure you have heard of the "friend zone," Diary. You know, the one where the guy is only looked at as a friend and in order to keep that friendship, must keep his feelings and emotions in check at all times for fear of losing the girl that he wishes one day would see him as something more. For the record, I have been in that zone before, and I HATE it.

I find this girl just amazing in every way possible. She is very intelligent and inquisitive. She is charming, funny, has a sharp mind and and even sharper tongue. And I find her breathtakingly beautiful, even though she doesn't think she is. Her smile can not only light up a room, but an entire stadium. I really enjoy talking to her, and she always makes me smile. She got me a Christmas present, and told me when she saw it she thought of me. When I opened it I actually had to hold back my eyes from welling up. When I saw it, it showed me that she paid attention to me, because it really was something that spoke to a significant part of me. And the thing is that she didn't even have to get me anything, she just did it.

And what am I to do about this? Well, considering we have only known each other a short while, right now I am not going to do anything. The thing is, she knows I am attracted to her, hell, I told her so, but she doesn't know that if given the opportunity, I would give her the world and then some. And I am not talking about money, or gifts, or anything like that. I'd just give her me, all of me. I would take the risk of being rejected after a time to have one chance with her.

Now, a very large part of me is deathly afraid of this. Why you might ask? Well, my current track record of relationships is not that stellar, you know, with going through a divorce and all, and I do not want this girl to be a rebound if it ever comes to that point. Will it ever get to that point? I highly doubt it, but I can hope. This girl knows my current situation, and knows what I am going through. She knows that my life is a bit of a wreck at the moment. And unless she has a great poker face, she does not seem to care.

I have struggled with whether or not to tell you this Diary, because sometimes I worry about what might happen if this were to ever get out and she would find you. What if somehow she were to stumble upon you? What if she were to read my words? Would she smile, or would she flee? Would her heart warm to the big dufus who thinks the world of her, or would she think I was just trying to be with her because I am lonely and want companionship? Would she look at me differently in a positive light, or a negative light? Would she think I was coward for not telling her, or would she understand why I keep my feelings in check so I could have her as a friend rather than not have her at all? Would she even talk to me anymore? As I listen to the rain outside my window, the only thought that is running through my mind is that my life would feel perfect right now if this girl were cuddled up on the couch with me, with some candles burning, just talking, with my arms wrapped around her and being able to smell her hair and look into those beautiful eyes behind her glasses.

The "friend zone" can suck my ass.

All Rise

2008-12-15T16:27:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary:

So, I went to court today. Do me a favor, and remind me to never find myself in front of a judge again unless I am a member of a jury. It was an odd feeling to say the least.

Now, no, it was not like it was on sitcoms or movies. I basically just stood there while after saying my name and the judge spoke to the attorneys.

Wait wait, let me back up a bit. Of course I was not going to just run through what could very well be one of the more important days of my life and leave out most of the details. That would make me an asshole, and I am not an asshole. Well, maybe sometimes, but not now.

I was running a bit late this morning so I was scared shitless that I was going to be late for court. Like that would be just what I needed right? I didn't get on the highway until about 8:30, and as soon as I saw traffic, I thought I was royally screwed. However, after about five minutes, there was no traffic, and I was flying into the city and got to my office in about ten minutes. Man, how I would love for my daily morning commute to be this easy everyday, but apparently the gods were smiling down on me today.

So, I parked the car at the office, went in to grab my jacket, and hailed a cab. The cabbie was good, and got me to the court at 9am sharp. I figured since I had to be there at 9:15, I had plenty of time, so I waited in line and went through security. While in security, the guard noticed my work badge, said he had worked where I worked for about 25 years, and passed me on through quickly. Man, this day was shaping up to be good.

I found the courtroom with about five minutes to spare after walking around the building, and when I got there, my lawyer was no where in sight. So, I did what any normal individual who is about to step in front of a judge would do: I paced up and down staring at my cell phone. The good thing was that X2B and her lawyer were not there either. So, if I was going to be late, she was going to be late as well. Just when I thought I was going to have a damn panic attack, my phone rings and there is my wonderful lawyer on the other end of the line, telling me that she was just waiting in line to get in the building. I asked what time we were going before the judge, and she said 9:30. Whew!!! I was worried for no good reason.

My lawyer comes in and we talk about a couple of things, check in with the clerk, and just hang out a bit. X2B and her lawyer come in, and all is well. We then met with some other attorney who is not party to the case at all, to see if we could come up with some sort of framework to move forward toward settlement. We agree to ADR (alternative dispute resolution I think) and then sit down and wait through a couple of cases before we go before the judge.

Now, let me tell you something: you never want to hear your name called to go before a judge, and I do not care what the fuck you are going there for. It is not a pleasant feeling. The clerk of course mispronounced my last name, butchered it really, and in a couple of minutes, I was stating my name for the record and getting sworn in.

The judge asked a couple of questions to counsel, yadda yadda yadda, nothing fancy. X2B's counsel says that they were prepared to settle months ago, yadda yadda yadda (cough cough bullshit!), and we get some dates to go back before the judge.

All in all, it was very uneventful. I got a second discovery request about financials, and I should have all that stuff done in the next couple of days I think.

So, that was Court 1.0. Hopefully Court 2.0 has me divorced, but that won't be for a couple more months.

And that is all I am saying about that because I have a splitting headache.

And It Has Been 14 Weeks

2008-12-12T11:29:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary:

Well, normally I would tell you that it has been fourteen weeks since I last saw or spoke to X2B. However, with the closing on the house a couple of days ago, I did see her. She neither looked at me nor spoke to me, but I did see her.

So, does that restart the clock? I would like to think not. So, let's just go with the flow and say it has been fourteen weeks since she unilaterally moved out of the marital home and took with her a bunch of shit.

So, where am I at in my life at this juncture? I can say without reservation or hesitation, that I am better off emotionally than I was not only fourteen weeks ago, but nine months ago when I was blindsided. I am smiling, I am laughing, I am writing, I am exercising, I am enjoying life on my own. Does it get lonely at times? Of course it does, but I think that is only natural as people transition from a relationship back to being single. But, each and every day it does get easier to deal with.

I can thank my new found friends for this, as well as the ones I have known for years. I would not be in this place if it were not for them. I can also thank my lawyer for always giving me honest opinions, and giving me the lay of the land. I can thank you, Diary, for giving me an outlet to just get shit off my chest. I can also thank a little birdie for giving me a heads up (although not conclusive) that X2B had an affair.

So, what do I think about her having an affair? Now, granted, I cannot prove it 100%, but what I have seen does lead one to a certain conclusion, not to mention it is what my therapist told me was her gut reaction to our counseling sessions. But regardless, if she did indeed have an affair, how do I feel about that?

Well, Diary, if she had an affair and that is the reason she left, it actually makes me feel better. She had always blamed me, but if she did have an affair, I was a guiltless victim really. It really says more about her character than mine. I did not have an affair. No matter how frustrated I got, I just couldn't do it.

OK, so maybe I wasn't a guiltless victim. But if in fact she did have an affair, and I am pretty confident she did, then she should have talked to me beforehand about what was wrong so we could have worked on our problems before she let some other guy stick his dick in her. I was not a perfect husband, but lets be honest, there is no such thing. Everyone has faults. It's how you react to them that is important.

Did it sting when I found out? Not as much as it probably would have six months ago, but it did a little bit. However, it did not last for long. At this point, since I in no way want to reconcile with her, the actual affair does not bother me at all. What bothered me was being lied to. The deception, the lying, that is what bothered me. If she just would been honest, I could have handled that. I would have been heartbroken, but I could have handled it and maybe my divorce wouldn't have gotten to the point it is. But no, that is not how it played, and continues to play, out.

And it will play out in full force on Monday, when I go to court for the first time. Hopefully this will be the only time I go to court for this divorce (and hell, for any other reason) but since X2B hired a crusader as a lawyer, who knows how it is going to play out. So, I will keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best.

I have also been up to my fucking neck in discovery bullshit. For the last four days I have had to find every single damn statement of account that I am on, and pretty much anything you can possibly think of. So, that is all I am going to say about that, since well, I have to get back to it and I have wasted too much time talking to you Diary.

And Like That, It's Gone

2008-12-10T10:23:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary:

I sit here a bit numb at the moment. I am not feeling happy, nor am I feeling sad. I am not feeling lost, nor am I feeling found. I am just in a dazed state really, and you know what? That is alright with me baby!

Bye bye house!!!

Yup, I just got back from closing on my house, or what rather what was my house. Now it is someone else's headache to deal with. No more ghosts, no more fucked up garage door opener, no more bugs in the bedroom, no more waiting four hours to do a load of laundry, and no more having my sweet little biatch of an X2B on a document with my name on it to the tune of half a million smackers.

Jackpot.

So Diary, you probably want to know why I am numb ugh? You probably want to know why I am not fucking ecstatic right? Well, honestly, I am not so sure. I mean, I am thrilled that the house is a done deal and I can move on to more important issues to get this divorce wrapped up. But on the other hand, I had to see her today and hear her voice.

I knew of this coming into the closing that her and I were going to be in the same room to sign papers, and I was OK with that. Considering the information I found out recently, I in no way want to ever have this woman be a part of my life, so this was just a business transaction to me, and I handled it as such. She did not look at me, nor did she speak to me. I looked at her, but didn't say a word. I only talked to my real estate agent, and the closing agent. It was strictly business.

Honestly, I thought she looked like shit. She looked nervous and very uncomfortable, and whoever told her that her new haircut looked good must have been blind. She looked like she just woke up. She looked horrible. And I loved it.

So, now that the house is all done, all I have to deal with is her request that I pay her off. I am not going to give her a dime. She can basically sign the papers and be done with it by the end of the year if she wants to. It is really up to her. As for myself, if it gets dragged through the court, so be it. It will have to come out at some point why she spent so much time out of town, and I am not talking about work related stuff either.

Check.

A New Day

2008-12-08T08:35:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary:

Today was the first day back to work, which also means it was the first day of the creation of a new routine. You are probably wondering why I am big on routines, well, for starters, they keep me on task, and keep me from doing stuff that is impulsive, like buying a $2,500 watch, or I don't know, maybe getting a hooker or something (kidding, totally kidding). Routines keep me focused too, and they are especially helpful in the weight loss department. One of the things X2B complained about was that I liked routines, but I used them to help me lose weight, but she never liked that answer.

Anyway, today was also my first day experiencing the life of a commuter. It wasn't so bad really, only sat in the car for about 25 minutes, and things moved rather quickly. I have to be up early tomorrow to be in the city for an appointment with my therapist, so you know I am going to be loving life come tomorrow at 6:30 in the morning.

So, for now, it looks like I will be getting into the office about 30 minutes early, which I am sure my boss will love, and leaving 30 minutes late so that I don't sit in traffic, which I am sure my boss will love even more. Also, I hit the gym after work today, got in a mile run as a warm-up, and hit the weights. It felt good to get back to a gym after the last couple weeks packing and unpacking, and I felt great afterwards.

Then came home, made some shrimp with spinach, pesto, and pasta, with a side salad of baby greens tossed with a little olive oil, salt and pepper, and a tomato, and now I am writing.

Fuck, my life is going to be boring for a while.

I also found out some really important information regarding my pending divorce. However, since it is highly sensitive information, I will have to elaborate on that at a later time. The last thing I need is for X2B to somehow stumble across you, Diary, and know what cards I am holding.

Confirm File Delete

2008-12-06T17:41:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary:

I am staring at you having trouble putting into words exactly what is going through my mind at the moment as I did something today that I have been struggling to do for the last five to seven months. Today, I deleted every picture I had on my computer that had her face or body in it.

I find it mildly ironic that throwing away the wedding pictures and other wedding related items did not throw me for an emotional loop, but that deleting her pictures off my computer did. Maybe it was because I erased her from memory, literally computer memory, and its starting to feel like a metaphor for what I have to do, or rather what I feel I must do in order to move forward.

But what about my memories? I feel as though I am deleting her from my memory, and I have having a hard time with this because my past experiences shape who I am, so am I in fact erasing part of who I am? If I am, what does that make me? Am I a whole person, or am I a person with something missing? And if there will be a part of me missing, how am I ever to be able to be whole again?

I guess one of the reasons this was so difficult today was because right about now X2B and I would have been making Christmas cookies to send to our friends, bring to our offices, and keep for get togethers. We would probably also be planning a little cocktail party where our friends would come over to our house and help us empty our liquor cabinet and enjoy all the tasty food that we put together before all our friends went home to their families for the holidays. X2B and I enjoyed entertaining, and we always had a nice spread presented in a way that looked, well, fantastic. Some fine cheeses, maybe some dates stuffed with blue cheese, an assortment of meats, breads, and other appetizers that everyone generally raved about. But that is not to be.

So as I sit here, with the first snow of the season falling, I cannot help but feel a little sad about the fact that I am by myself, in a place that is not yet home, having lost my wife, my house, and everything I once knew to be my reality. I feel isolated, and like I am being put to some type of test to see if I will make it out in one piece.

And I sit here roughly ten feet away from the ring which I once wore proudly and oftentimes looked at while it was on my finger and smiled to myself because I felt so lucky to be able to be married to a woman who had my heart. When we first started having problems, I told her that my ring was not just a ring to me, it was more than that, much more, and I loved her and loved being her husband, and loved having her as my wife. And now, its just a fucking hunk of metal, albeit an expensive little fucking hunk of metal. What shall I do with it? Toss it into the Potomac? Melt it down? Pawn it? Sell it online?

I just wish I had some answers. Not so much as to why she left me, but why I feel this way after so many months. But my life is full of unanswered questions. Why should this be any different?

Unpacking, Day ???

2008-12-05T15:33:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary:

It seems as though I have done nothing but unpack for several days now. Oh wait, that's because I practically have done nothing but unpack for several days now. Sorry, for a moment there I forgot that I had moved into a new place and that I am officially (I think I can say that now) on my own.

The new apartment is coming together nicely, if I do say so myself. I am finding interesting ways to arrange things, and I am finding that I have more space than I realized. I am definitely thankful that I have a large pantry where I can store a ton of crap. Once I make a run to donate some stuff to charity, I should be pretty much all set.

This entry is going to be short and sweet because I am going to be running to the store in a few to grab some things that I need, like a paper towel holder, silverware caddy, and other stuff along those lines, but I wanted to take a moment and tell you about something that I did today.

One of the things that I was dreading the most while I unpacked was coming across the bin that included all my wedding stuff. You know, the one with the pictures, cards, invitations, and other items that were at one point going to be made into a nice little display. (I just noticed that I said my wedding stuff, not OUR wedding stuff, score) I was a bit apprehensive as to how I would feel when I went through it all, and honestly, I didn't feel much. I just looked through it, and tossed it in the garbage.

Is that strange at all? one of the things I did was go through the pictures to see if there were any that were just shots of locations, and that did not have either myself or X2B in them, and the very few that I found, I kept, since I need stuff to decorate the walls with. Other than that small handful of photos, it all went into the garbage. And I didn't feel anything. No sadness, no remorse, no feeling of dread, no feeling whatsoever really as I tossed the stuff away. To me, it was all just a bunch of old crap that I neither wanted nor needed.

Ok, that's that, now off to shop

Adjustments

2008-12-03T14:03:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary:

Greetings from my new apartment. The place is a disaster area at the moment. I think I am going to have to call in a haz-mat team to take care of all this worthless shit that I had to get out of the house, but, I am making progress.

All the furniture is where it is supposed to be, or at least it is where it is until I get bored with it and decide to move it. Who am I kidding? I will never have that motivation to move stuff around, especially after I finally get everything unpacked. Where ever it lands, it is staying there until I move out, or break it, whichever comes first.

The bookshelves are up, and my books and other random shit are on them. Clothes are in the dresser, and hanging in the closet. The kitchen is almost done. Cable (HD no less) is up and running, and I am doing my best to make this place feel like me. Someone suggested adding a stripper pole, but I will have to think about that one. Ironically enough, the item that was first completed was the bar. Who would have thought, right?

One thing that I know will take some getting used to are the sounds in the building. When I lived in the house, I lived in a place with practically complete silence, so hearing the building door open, people going up the stairs, and the sounds of others in general is a bit distracting.

I am also a fairly private person, so getting used to having tons of neighbors will be interesting. I know I need to put myself out there more if I am ever going to meet more people, but it is just something that I have always had trouble with. I am by nature very shy, maybe because of the way I grew up, and moving around a lot as a kid about every three years or so. I have trouble allowing people to get to know me, because it seems as though those I let in always leave me. Just something I have to deal with I guess.

Another thing to get used to, and Diary, you might find this amusing yet disgusting at the same time, is taking a shit on another toilet. Have you ever gotten so used to your porcelain throne that it just doesn't feel right when you crap on another? Maybe it's a guy thing, I don't know, but brewing a pot on another pot takes a bit of getting used to. You know, getting yourself adjusted to the new dimensions and all as well as how far you can lean back, the proximity to the roll of toilet paper, and the proximity to the counter top. People think that taking a shit is simple, but sometimes it's a complicated process. Especially when one is reading and drinking coffee

But anyway, the apartment is coming along just fine. There are a few things I need to pick up (like I need more shit, seriously!) like a desk and some lamps, but other than that, I have a ton of empty boxes, and that is a good sign.

I will probably go back to the house tomorrow to pick up some final things that I left there. They are small things, and fragile, and didn't want them to get broken during the move. Also, I have to move some stuff into the garage that is going to be thrown away on Monday, and I need to clean out my old fridge and bring food over here so I can start having a somewhat normal existence again. While take out is easy, it is not the best thing for your waistline, especially since I now have the new found luxury of Z's Pizza, and the Tuscan pie is fantastic!

On the divorce front, I talked to my lawyer this week. Poor thing has a cold (I told her to get some rest and drink some tea). She is amazed really at how much I have changed, and Diary, I have you and a host of new friends to thank for that. So before I go into any details, thank you.

Now, back to the divorce. While my lawyer and I thought that since the only point of contention was the house, and that since that has been disposed of, we should move on quickly to settlement, X2B apparently now wants some money. Not just any money, but five thousand Washingtons. I actually laughed a bit when I heard this. I mean come on, she wants money? Does she realize that she makes more than I do? Does she realize that the money she is looking to get, which is my retirement, has evaporated in the last six months? Does she realize that I am also entitled to half of hers, as well as half of her frequent flier miles, and anything else I am entitled to by law? At this point, I think that her lawyer is driving this, not X2B. But if I am wrong, it's just another example of how much that woman has lost her mind.

Ok, time to make some coffee. No, wait, the coffee pot is still at the house. For the love of all that is good any holy, why did I forget the coffee pot?!?

The Last Night

2008-12-01T17:56:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary:

I am literally staring at you trying to think of the words to tell you that would adequately describe the emotions that I am feeling this very second, but you will have to excuse me because I have a bit of writer's block so I am going to be babbling for a second or two. After all, these words are intended to be my unfiltered thoughts and ramblings as I deal with the reality of my divorce, and one of those realities within the greater reality is that my house is selling and this is the last night I will be sleeping in my house.

I am not sad. I am not happy. I am not angry. I am not anything really. I have more of a feeling of numbness at the moment, if you can describe it as such. It's really hard to put it into words, and that might have to do with the fact that I have been so fucking busy lately trying to throw everything into boxes, close utilities, set up utilities, get a moving company, sign my lease, deal with my lawyers, look for a new job, travel, and still find time to take a crap. Time to shower or shave, um, not so much.

But tonight is the last night I will spend in this house. If you want to know something maybe a bit ironic, I cannot remember the first night I spent here. The only things I can remember are the nights that I spent here alone. Whether it was when X2B was travelling for work, or the nights I slept in the guest bedroom while we were separated, or the nights I have spent in this house since she moved, those are the only nights I can remember now.

The mornings are different. I can still remember waking up next to her, looking at her while she slept peacefully, and leaning in to kiss her forehead while telling her it was time to get up. I remember her taking a shower in the morning and while I was still lying in bed, her pouncing on me in her towel an laughing. I can remember her standing at the bottom of the stairs while she fixed her hair.

I can also remember her telling me it was over, and how cold she was. I can remember her telling me that she could not bring herself to have children with me. I can remember her telling me that I do not cherish family. I can remember her telling me that she enjoys sex just not with me. I can remember her criticizing me, and telling me that I did not work hard enough to get off of my blood pressure medication. I can remember every shrill comment, every mean look, every instance she looked at her Blackberry and laughed instead of looking at me.

And now I sit here alone, in the shell of what was once a dream. As I look around the walls, they are now empty. The shelves behind the kitchen table are barren. The kitchen is empty. Everything is quiet. Tomorrow, the movers will come, and by tomorrow night, this place will be nothing but a building. Everything will be different. The walls that we painted will no longer be our walls. The bathroom that we designed ourselves and bought everything for ourselves will no longer be our bathroom. The kitchen that we were looking forward to remodeling will no longer be our kitchen. The skylights that allow the light to brighten the rooms will no longer be our skylights. The garage that chimed when you opened it will no longer be our garage. The wood burning stove that we never used will no longer be our wood burning stove. The washer and dryer that took a combined three hours to do one load of laundry will no longer be our washer and dryer. The house will no longer be ours, it will no longer be mine, it will be someone else's.

Sure, I will come back over the next couple of days to pick up any small things that I missed, but I will no longer be sleeping here. I will only spend time here cleaning so that everything goes as smooth as can be. Tomorrow night, I sleep in my new apartment, which is entirely mine. I imagine I will be up pretty fucking late unpacking and shit, but I need to get up early Wednesday morning for the cable folks to show up. Then, once that is done, its off to buy some things for the new place, such as a vacuum cleaner. Since I am going from hardwood to carpet, it is something I do not have. I am also going to go and get a new shower curtain, and new towels, because quite frankly, the less I have that reminds me of her, the better. Now, I will say this, packing was easy, since I really just threw a bunch of crap in boxes, I really do not know what I have. It is the unpacking that I am a bit worried about because I do not know what I will find.

On another note Diary, I am going to be busy for the next couple of days, so I will not be able to write to you and tell you of my adventures. You know, like how I gave the house a proper send off by nailing some hot brunette on the stairs (yeah, I wish), or how I broke in my new apartment with a feisty redhead (wishing again on that one). But, you know me, my life is boring as shit, so I am going to be unpacking and reading, or maybe I will buy a video game or something.

So tomorrow I chart a new course. I take everything in the house with me except one thing: the ghosts, for they can kiss my ass.

Gobble Gobble, Week 12

2008-11-30T12:31:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary:

I know, so technically, week twelve came and went on Friday, and it is Sunday, so I know I am a little late. But, I do have a pretty damn good excuse if you ask me.

On Thursday, my brother and I caught a flight out to the West Coast to see my dad for Thanksgiving. It was a nice little trip, albeit a very short one, since we flew back Saturday, but I was just not right in the head. And it pissed me off.

I caught myself staring at the Thanksgiving dinner that was on my plate, and I wanted to throw up. Not because the food was disgusting, because come on, turkey dinners are fucking tasty, but because she wasn't there with me. That's right, this Thanksgiving was my first big holiday without X2B in roughly five years, and I felt sick to my stomach. My brother and dad kept asking me if I was OK, and all I could do was mumble. I stopped myself from having a complete breakdown at the dinner table on a couple of occasions actually, and it just fucking hurt. It hurt like hell, thinking of her with her family, and that she was probably happy. or was she as miserable as I was? I am not sure, and what is tearing my up inside is that I want to know. But I doubt I ever will. Oh, and Christmas is right around the corner. Oh joy.

What I had to look forward to when I got back was a hell of a lot of packing. As I look around my war zone of a house at the moment, I can say that most of the stuff is done. My friend JL came over and helped me pack. She actually enjoys packing, so who am I to take away her joy? She helped me probably more than she realized. She can organize shit like you wouldn't believe, and everything is now neat and ready for me and the movers to grab it and go.

So, now I sit here in my mostly barren house. I sit here in the shell of what was once my home. A home I thought was filled with love and warmth, but a home that turned out to be nothing but a fucking nightmare.

I cannot wait to move.

Drowning In A Sea Of Cardboard

2008-11-25T11:31:00.001-08:00

Dear Diary:

Help!! Send in the rescue team! Please, for the love of all that is good and holy, pay someone to pack my house!

I hate packing. No really, I fucking hate it. I have moved a lot, but I think this is honestly the first time I have had to pack up an entire house on my own, and let me tell you something Diary, it blows.

And I haven't even started yet!!! Dammit.

But, I am making progress nonetheless, if that is even possible. I bought the boxes and the tape and all that good stuff. I found a moving company that will move my stuff to my new apartment, which I am locking down tomorrow. I just have to find a way to get it all done by December 1st. Seems like quite a mountain to climb, but I think I will manage, if I can somehow get myself off my lazy ass and just do it.

Maybe the reason I haven't started yet is because I know what I am going to have to pack. You see, X2B didn't take all her personal belongings. There are still some things in the house that are hers, and entirely hers, and I do not know what to do with them. Little trinkets and stuff that she had picked up somewhere along the line. Some of the things that were memories of her time studying abroad, some of things that were given to her by her friends, some of the things that were given to her by her family, I must figure out what to do with. And dammit, that is not fair. I have to put all this crap in a box so that she can go through it. Fun times (as I look for the closest sharp object to stab myself in the leg).

And to top it all off, I am leaving town for Thanksgiving. Yup, three days gone that I could have spent packing and getting things done. Now, I love my family, but dammit, this is not the best time for me to be leaving the city. So, what I got stuck doing was taking vacation days to get it all finished. Yeah, I get to spend my "vacation" packing. Shoot me in the head right now please.

On a more positive note, it appears that X2B and her lawyer are now more than willing to just settle this mess and get it over with, and the path to divorce has gotten a little less bumpy, as far as the legal stuff is concerned. I could actually be divorced by the end of the year if things go smoothly, but I doubt it. I figure maybe sometime late January or early February.

Also, on a VERY positive note, the buyer agreed to some minor changes in the inspection document, and the closing is all set to go as scheduled. The house is going to sell. It is not going to be mine anymore. I am once again going to be renting, and I am OK with that, or at least that is what I keep telling myself.

Hello From Week 11!

2008-11-21T10:28:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary:

Why hello there you sexy beast you. I am sitting atop my comfortable perch as I survey all that is around me as I hit the eleventh week without her presence. The view is not so bad up here. In fact, it's quite awe inspiring as I look and see below me the journey I have travelled to get to this point. Where there some bumps in the road? Yes, without a doubt there were. And there were even some steep cliffs from which I almost fell off, but I was able to hold on, and make it here. Wooooooohoooooooooooo!

So, what is the view like you might ask? Well, right now, the house is under contract, and hopefully goes to closing smoothly. I am looking for apartments, and trying to get one fast. I have a great group of friends who are supportive and I love handing out with them. I have been going to the gym, and although the weight doesn't seem to be dropping as fast as I would like, I am toning up and it is showing. Oh, and I am not drinking my ass off and wallowing in self pity. All good stuff if you ask me.

As far as the actual divorce goes, I was hit with discovery documents today. No big deal really, just a lot of financial stuff. I just need to produce past bank statements, pay stubs, tax returns, investment statements, and the like. No big deal really, just more of a pain in the ass to actually have to do it. One of the things I find interesting is that the main point of contention in the divorce itself was the house, and the discovery documents were sent to my lawyer AFTER the house was taken care of. I do not know why X2B's lawyer is trying to prove, but she may be in for a shock if she thinks I have money hidden under the mattress.

One of the things I actually found amusing about some of the things I have to produce is reasons why my ex asked me to leave, and why we were estranged. Um, hell if I know the answer to that one. Why don't you ask her? I mean, she is the one that said she wanted out, I fought to keep it together, but she checked out on me. So, I am not really sure how to answer the questions to be honest with you. What I am supposed to say?

I have also stepped on on the whole job networking thing to see if there are any possible jobs out there for which I would be a good fit. I am hoping that there are. I could sure use a decent hike in pay. You know, since I am starting over and all and my savings has been depleted paying for lawyers and the like. And I REALLY do not want to rack up a huge credit card bill. But, I will do what I need to do financially to get through this upcoming year.

I also ran into my brother last night at a bar. After he thought it was a good idea to give a man on an empty stomach shots of Jager and Bud Light to chase it, he mentioned that if I wanted to get a bartending gig, he would help out. You see, he runs a bar, and knows practically everyone in the business in this town, and I sure as hell wouldn't mind dusting off the old bottle opener that I have had for about a decade. I may be a little rusty, but get me behind a bar, and it's like riding a bike. Oh, and the money isn't fucking bad either.

So, this weekend finds me hanging out with some good friends and apartment hunting. I am actually having Thanksgiving dinner with some friends who are also being driven through the Big D (divorce, for those of you who are not in the know and cool like that). So, that will be fun. I just have to find a way to manage not stuffing my fat face so that come Monday, I don't step on the scale and wonder, "What the fuck did I just do?"

Catch you later Diary. It's been fun.

The Hunt Begins

2008-11-20T12:54:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary:

So, since the last time I spoke to you, what has happened in my life? Well, let's see, this morning the house went through inspection, and I am praying, and I mean like down on my knees, kissing the ground praying, that nothing screws up the sale of my house. I don't know how I would handle it if the sale fell flat. I mean, the place would feel like a prison, and I wouldn't know what to do really. Not to mention it would put everything back on hold with the divorce, and postpone the opening of a new chapter and my life, and honestly, that would suck ass.

I have also started looking for apartments, and all I can say is FUCK! Man, apartments in the D.C. metropolitan area are not cheap. I mean, I am going to be paying roughly for rent that which was my half of the mortgage payment, but I am not going to be owning anything. How screwed up is that? So much for me saving a ton of money in this process and being able to bank some much needed cash. Ugh, I hate renting, especially now after having owned a place. It's a bit depressing if you ask me.

However, one of the things I find entirely amusing is what the newer apartment buildings are offering as far as specials. Like two months free rent, prorated over the life of the lease, and free parking to boot. Why I find this amusing is that the older developments don't really see the need to offer such specials. Why? I have no idea honestly. I mean, these new places are immaculate with granite counter tops, nice kitchens, spacious, trendy, and loaded with amenities. The older ones are not bad, just not really updated like the new places, and what is amusing about this is that I can live in either, for about the same price. Do these older developments even realize that they are screwing themselves? Talk about not being competitive.

So the apartment hunt has started in earnest. Right now, I have my eye on three places, one of which is where Kelly is. Another one is close to her, and the other one is right near the new ballpark. I am leaning heavily towards moving to the suburbs (if you can really call them that) because: there is stuff to do, it is a change of scenery, and I would save money in taxes. So, that is going well, at least I think it is. It's weird really, I cannot remember the last time I actually had to look for a place to live on my own. It's been a while, and feels a bit odd, but it is what it is.

I also made an appointment with my counselor. I have not spoken with her in months, and I think it is time to go back. Is it going to put a hit on my bank account? Yeah, probably, but it is most likely what is needed. I am not going to lie to you Diary and tell you that I have no unresolved issues that I still need to work on. I was making a ton of progress, but there are still a couple of triggers that I have to get rid of so that I can move on completely and start my life again. I have made a lot of great friends in this process, and they have helped me a ton, but there are some things that only I can do, and I need to finish getting them done.

So Diary, wish me luck with the inspection and all. If it falls through, and I am still stuck with the brick prison, then I can assure you, you are going to hear a lot bitching and moaning in the near future.

Sunlight

2008-11-18T17:36:00.001-08:00

Dear Diary:

OK, so someone, somewhere is looking out for me. Someone, something, somehow delivered me a damn miracle of an offer on the house. It's a real beauty of an offer. I mean, it couldn't get any more perfect and well structured that what I got this morning. It was the sunlight that I have been needing to shine for a while, and I got it. Just when I thought I was losing my mind, I got it.

My realtor sent me an E-mail right before I had to head into the office today. "Call me ASAP," was all he wrote, but there was an attachment on it that I couldn't read on the crack berry (Blackberry device. For those of you that do not have one, be thankful.) So I give him a call, and he tells me that we got a sweetheart offer, full price, quick closing, large down payment, and this type of offer is about as perfect as it could get considering the current state of the housing market.

So, I gave him X2B's number, they talk it over, she signs the agreement, then I get a copy, sign it, and off it goes. The offer is accepted. I happened so fast, and it was exactly what I needed.

I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off of my shoulders. Even though I am going to lose some money on the deal, I am so fucking glad it is happening. I mean, I can get a new place, one without the ghosts of her clouding my thoughts as I open the door when I walk in after working all day. One without the memories, both good and bad. One without her. And I am OK with that, in fact, I am better than OK with that.

I talked to my lawyer today and told her the news, and she was pretty pleased. It appears that the one big hurdle to my divorce is going to be cleared, and not only that, cleared before our first court date. I could actually be divorced by the end of the year, if not the beginning of the first part of next year. She actually told me that I had come a long way, in my attitude, and how I was dealing with it, and I thanked her for that. She was a bit surprised that I had not been going down to the bars to try to pick up women. And I found that completely entertaining. Have I said lately how much my lawyer kicks ass? If not, SHE KICKS ASS!

I am actually smiling and laughing to myself, my dear Diary, as I write to you to tell you about my recent good fortune. I do not have a headache. I do not feel down. I do not feel burdened. I do not feel overwhelmed. In fact, I feel just fine, and just fine is a good place to be, all things considered.

I am looking forward to travelling the new and uncharted roads that lie ahead of me. Does it suck that I am thirty years-old and starting over from scratch with not much money? You bet it does, but such is the hand I was dealt, and right now, I feel like I am playing with the house's money. I am excited about getting my own apartment, one I can turn into a nice place for me to relax and escape and rest my head for a while as I figure out what I want to do for the long haul. A place that I can be free of her, and free of the memories. A place that I can cook what I want to when I want to. A place where I can have friends over and drink beer until the wee hours of the morning. A place where I can dance naked if I so choose and take a shit with the bathroom door open. A place where I can write and a place where I can think. A place where I can cry and a place where I can smile. A place where I can dream.

A place I can call home.

If You Are Going....

2008-11-17T11:37:00.001-08:00

Dear Diary:

If you are going through hell, keep going. - Winston Churchill

This quote popped into my head a couple of days ago. It is simple, yet profound, and altogether fitting for what I am going through at the moment.

I am going through hell. Not so much the divorce, but the emotional roller coaster that suddenly and without warning picked up speed, to the point I am holding on to the rails and squeezing the cheeks just so I can get through it. That being said, I know there is light at the end of this ride. I know there is a final destination. I know that I am going to come out of this not only stronger, but more sure of myself, and more aware of who I am, what I want, and what I need.

So what will I do? I will keep going. I will keep pressing forward, no matter how deep the shit gets (right now I feel like I am sinking in it), no matter how tough it gets, not matter what. And you want to know why that is going to happen? Because I am worth it dammit.

So how am I going to get there? Well, that seems to be a question that really does not have an answer to it. Everyone charts their own path in getting over a divorce, and I will chart my own as well. So, to start, the first thing I am going to do is calm the fuck down.

My damn brain has been playing mind games with me, and that's going to stop. I mean, I know that my marriage is over, have accepted it, and it's a done deal. Case closed. I just need to find a way to stop retreating back to the anger and frustration so that I can do something positive. So, I figure I need a goal. And I have found one.

My goal is to make it through the holiday season without gaining a single pound. And not only that, my goal is to have dropped thirty pound by January 17. That is two months from now, and the clock starts ticking right.....

NOW.

Frustrations

2008-11-16T19:14:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary:

Fuck. Just fuck. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!

I am now starting to get royally fucking annoyed. And not at anyone in particular, not at X2B, not at my divorce, not at the fact that it looks like it is going to take a fucking miracle to sell my house, not at anything other than myself. Fuck me. Seriously, someone just fucking push me in front of traffic or break my leg so that I can focus on something else because right now my God dammed fucking brain is royally taking me on a whirlwind tour of some dark fucking places.

So, let me ask you this Diary, what the fuck is depression? Do you have an answer? No, you do not, and the reason you do not is because you are my creation, my tool, my outlet, my source of relief from the daily stresses that my life is going through at this moment in my personal history. So thanks for the help on that one there Sparky.

I am feeling exhausted, both physically and mentally. My body is sore, and I have had a recurring headache that has lasted for a fucking week. And dammit, I am mad. I am mad at myself for retreating from the progress I was making. And I am mad at her because she doesn't even have the common fucking decency of a human being to see how another human being that you shared so much with is fairing.

Fucking dammit. Just fucking fucking motherfucking shit ass fuck bitch GRRRRRR.

Nothing seems to be going right. I have no real leads on new jobs at the moment. The last words out of my realtor's mouth was, "Not good." My bank account is dwindling. My sanity is fighting to hang on, and I just need a fucking vacation from it all.

Can I somehow go into a coma and wake up and just be divorced? Please? Would that be too much to ask at this point? Pretty please with whipped cream and a cherry and a Brazilian bikini waxed long legged tan knockout with big knockers on top? Come on now brain, stop it, just fucking stop it. Get out of this downward spiral please, because my body cannot take much more of it.

Oh, and it doesn't fucking help one damn bit that it is now dark as death outside at 6pm. Nope, not one bit. It's dark when I get out of the office, and I come home to an empty house, in the dark, and all I see is darkness. I am fucking surrounded by darkness, and it is driving me up a fucking wall.

I need sunshine, somehow, somewhere, I need a bright burst of light to come shining through and get me to snap the fuck out of it. My mind is actually mind fucking me. Is that even possible? Can someone mind fuck themselves? At this point I am starting to believe it is. Well, fuck me again why don't you?

Dammit, dammit all to hell. I am just so sick and fucking tired of everything. I mean seriously, I am tired of everything. I am tired of waking up everyday and going through the ritual that I need to go through to get my house ready for possible buyers to find out that no one showed up, and it has only been two weeks! I am tired of going to a job that I have become so efficient at that I am done with my work related responsibilities before lunch. I am tired of people asking me how I am doing. I am tired of people who I have known half my life telling me they cannot believe I am going through this. And I am tired of feeling that I have no control.

I thrive on control. I thrive on being able to understand and control the way things move forward, or rather, at least be able to influence the outcome. And I have no fucking control over this. I have none whatsoever. The only thing I was able to control was what I was thinking, feeling, doing, and how I was reacting, and I am losing control over myself. And that is what drives me insane. The one absolute thing that everyone has control over (themselves), I apparently cannot get under wraps.

I think I need a goal or something. Something that I can focus on. Something that can keep me occupied. Fuck, maybe it is just the weekends that I am losing it because during the week I actually have shit to keep me busy, even though it is boring usually. But on the weekend, I cannot even be in my own house. I have to spend my time going to the office to just kill time and I have no motivation to get any work done on the weekend. It's just a place to go.

Fuck fuck fuck mother fucking fuck. I need nicotine, alcohol, and sunshine, and not necessarily in that order.

Oh, and a nice steak and a blow job would do wonders as well.

Reflections, on Election Day

2008-11-16T18:46:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary:

Election Day was a monumental day in the history of the United States of America. People from all different backgrounds, all different political views, all different racial and socioeconomic groups, and people of all ages, elected a thin black man with a funny name to be our next president. President-elect Barack Obama.

I was proud to vote for this individual, who I view as a man of character, integrity, intelligence, and undying hope who believes that if we only work together, we can achieve amazing things, not only for ourselves, but for future generations who will be fortunate enough to call themselves citizens of the United States of America.

As a Democrat, it was a great day. Not only did my party win the White House, but we expanded our majorities in the House of Representatives and the Senate. Living in DC, this may turn out to be a good thing for my future job prospects. It was a great day indeed.

So why did I feel so alone and so void of hope and happiness?

The answer to that riddle is this Diary: you see, I met X2B on the campaign trail in 2002. On election day of that year, that was the night we first kissed. That was the night she had me.

Election days since gave us something to share. In August of 2004, I proposed to my future ex-wife. I then spent two months living with her as we both worked on campaigns. It was after the 2004 election that she moved out to DC, where we rented a one-bedroom apartment.

In 2006, we were already married, having gotten married in May of that year. I was sent out on the campaign trail for the last week or so, and she was staying in DC, monitoring races she was involved with from her office. The day after the election is the day I found a house out in the state we were planning on moving to. The house turned out to be more of a piece of crap than it looked, and since Democrats had gained the majority in Congress, we decided to stay in DC since there were sure to be more job opportunities.

And in 2008, I sat on my couch alone, and I could not help but have my mind drift back to 2002, on election night, where X2B and I sat in the hallway of a hotel where the victory party was, and shared our first kiss. And I drifted back to living with her for two months, and I drifted back to 2006, and then it hit me. I felt so absolutely alone.

Something that I used to share with X2B, something that we both enjoyed, now did not mean so much, as I was alone. On a day where millions of my fellow Americans were celebrating a truly historic victory, I was home alone, with fighting a losing battle against the tears that began streaming down my face.

My mother called to ask about the returns as she doesn't have TV at her place, and I tried to be respectful and tell her what I knew, but I had to cut the conversation short. She asked me if I was OK, and I broke down and said election night was when I first kissed X2B, and I was out of it, and I heard my mother crying on the other end of the phone for me, because she knew her son was in pain.

I was happy for the result. But while millions and millions of people were focused on what was won, my mind was focused on what was lost. And it hurt like fucking hell.

So why do I tell you this my dear sweet Diary? Well, for starters, I am in the process of cleaning out my mental closet and doing my best to exorcise the demons that I have within me so that one day (and who knows when that will be really), I will be able to completely move on. I tell you this so that I can read it, and re-read it, knowing that I need to get past certain things and events in my past so that I focus on the present and future. But I also write to you this entry because the past has shaped me, and to ignore the past is to ignore myself. And I deserve better than that.

Jealousy

2008-11-15T16:18:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary:

OK, I admit it, I am fucking jealous of all those seemingly happy couples. There seem to be so many around me these days. Walking hand in hand, arm in arm, etc. And the new parents with their newborn babies. I swear, if I could go one fucking day without seeing a baby, I would be a happy camper.

But why? That is what I want to know. Why am I jealous? This is what frustrates me. Is it because I am not happy with who I am generally speaking, or is it because I am not happy because I am no longer in that type of relationship? Fuck, I wish I new.

I am so fucking tired of walking around wondering why this is happening to me. I am so ungodly tired of wondering what I did wrong. I am so tired of having the unanswered questions that will not leave my head. I just want them gone for crying out loud. I mean, it has been ten weeks already, and I am still fighting this.

But what am I fighting? I am not fighting losing my marriage really, because, let's face it, she is not coming back, and even if she wanted to, I would not want her back. So what am I fighting? Am I fighting being alone again? Am I fighting being left behind to pick up the pieces of a shattered life again? Am I fighting losing all my material possessions (kinda too late for that if you ask me)? What am I fighting?

Am I fighting being happy? This is what I am wondering really. Is my jealousy a way of me fighting being happy because my mind and my heart were fixated on being happy with X2B? Am I fighting the possibility of being truly happy without her?

Maybe I am also jealous of not feeling like I have any direction in my life. A year ago today, hell, I was on my way to Jamaica with X2B. Life seemed fantastic. Everything was great, or so it seemed. We had a great trip, and things were moving forward as they should have been. And now, I don't feel like I am moving at all. I feel like I have no direction. I feel like I do not know what I am supposed to be doing or feeling, and it is annoying to say the least. Can't someone come up with a fucking guidebook or something on how I am supposed to get through this?

Unfortunately, the answer to that is a resounding NO. Only I can write this chapter in my life, and maybe I am jealous of having to do so because I am writing it alone. No one can get divorced for me. No one can go through the emotions for me. And no matter how strong of a support system I have, I have to do this by myself. Me, myself, and I, walking along a path chartered by others before me, yet alone I must travel on a road without a clear destination.

My dad once told me that divorce is not a matter of winning or losing, because there are no winners. Its just being able to come out as whole as possible. And right this fucking second, I see my body and my emotions strewn all over the damn place.

Damn jealousy. Hell, was that even what I ended up writing about? I am so all over the place lately I don't even know anymore. The only thing I am jealous right this second that I know for a fact is that someone, somewhere, has a nice hot cup of coffee, so I think I will brew a pot.

So It Has Been 10 Weeks

2008-11-15T14:07:00.001-08:00

Dear Diary:

I guess ten weeks have past since I last saw X2B. And I don't know whether or not I should be happy or hurt about that at this point.

I really don't know much of anything at this point really other than I am scared.

I am scared of the future at the moment. I am scared of looking for an apartment, moving, and starting a new life because when that happens I will have no connection to X2B anymore. Maybe I am scared of eventually having her erased from my mind. Maybe I am scared of starting over so suddenly. I am not sure.

I don't really sleep well. I don't have good eating habits really. One good thing is that I am focusing on the gym as much as possible, as well as looking for a new job. The gym provides me an outlet to release the pent up energy that I have as a result of the stress that my mind is putting my body through. Looking for a job is allowing me to branch out a bit. I figure, since I am having my adult life start from scratch again, I might as well fucking change what I do for a living, or at least be able to do the same thing, just with different people.

I think that a new job would actually be healthy for me at this point. You see, I can come into my present job and I have gotten so used to it that I am quite efficient, and am able for the most part to get the work for the day done by noon. That is not really a good thing because it allows my mind to wander, back to the past, instead of focusing on the present, and even thinking about the future.

I guess one of the hardest things is just completely letting go. I mean, once that happens, do I lose a part of myself? I liked the part of me that would seemingly be lost once I forget forever. Is it possible? How does one remember the good times without remembering the bad times? How do I forget the hurt that I am in without forgetting how happy I was on my wedding day?

How do I get over the happiness I felt when I said "I do" after she said that marrying me was a mistake? Why can I not get over feeling like a mistake?

I guess my mind has too many questions that my heart needs answered, but I am afraid they never will be. How do I get to be OK with that?

One of the biggest questions is why am I moving backwards instead of moving forwards?

Why?

Family Disease

2008-11-13T18:26:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary:

Around Memorial Day of this year, when I told my uncle that my marriage was over and I was heading for a divorce, he jokingly told me that I had inherited the family disease. I don't know why I am thinking of this all of a sudden, but I figured I might as well explore it.

So, lets start from the top shall we?

When I say the family disease, I am specifically referring to my father's side of the family. The family that has given me my name, and the family that I identify culturally with for the most part, if that makes sense. Also, my mother was on only child, so all my aunts and uncles, and first cousins come from my father's side of the family. So, let's do a little breakdown of how divorce has affected my family, shall we?

I guess it started with my grandparents. I never knew my grandfather, as he died in his early fifties, around the time my dad was about 20 I think, give or take a year. But my grandparents were divorced. I was close to my grandmother, God rest her soul. She passed away about 10 years ago (wow, it's been that long already, how time flies). Funny thing is no one really ever talked about my grandparent's divorce. Maybe it was because my grandfather was dead, I don't know. But anyway, they got divorced.

My uncle, who is the first of four children, got a divorce from his first wife, remarried, and has two younger children, who I practically watched grow up during my summers on the Cape.

One aunt, who is the second in line of siblings, got a divorce about 15 years ago I think? Hell, it's been a while. I am still friendly towards my cousins' dad. I still think of his as my uncle really, as he was always kind to me, and I don't have a bad thing to say about him.

My father, the third in line, was of course married to my mom. My parent's marriage lasted a little over twenty years, but after a while, I knew it was ending. My mom dropped me off at college, drove home, packed her shit, and left. They were divorced a year later. My dad will not say a bad thing about my mother, I think because she is the mother of his children, and they did have many happy years together. They just changed and grew apart. My mom on the other hand, will on occasion say something negative about my dad, and when she does, I tell her to shut up, literally. That's my dad she is talking about, and although they were married for over twenty years, I don't appreciate her saying negative things about him in my presence. Now, when she is on her own, she can knock herself out. I mean, after twenty years, she earned it.

My other aunt, the youngest of four siblings, also divorced. Word on the street (because I don't talk to her much really and I don't think I have seen her in a few years) is that she is getting remarried.

My older cousin, who is older than me by nine months, and was the first in my generation of my family to get married, was divorced from his wife a few months ago.

Then there is me, the next in line to marry, and so far the last one to marry, and I am going through this bullshit.

X2B and I used to talk about this. I told her that everyone in my family ends up divorced, and she would ask how we could not end up like them. I would always tell her, that no matter how rough it got, because there would be good times and bad times, that I loved her no matter what, and I would always do what needed to be done to stay with her and keep our marriage intact. Eh, unfortunately for me I guess, love is not enough sometimes.

What is even more unfortunate in my mind, is that I don't think my marriage was even able to get off the ground really. I mean, it fell apart before my second anniversary. Isn't that the time during the course of marriage in general that the honeymoon period is over and people really start to learn about one another, and get accustomed to married life in general?

I guess she wanted to stay in that honeymoon phase forever. I can understand that. I mean, I figure most couples always want to be in that lovey dovey phase forever, but let's get real folks, other things happen. You buy a house together, you have children (well, not in my case), job stresses come home, friends move, people die. It's life, it happens, you cannot stop life from moving forward, so why fight it?

On another note, apparently in my family, and of course I only have one example to go on, so this is not a scientific sample by any stretch of the imagination, second marriages work. So, that being said, was X2B a starter wife?

I don't like to think of her that way because I think it is demeaning really. Listen, I have called her every fucking name in the book while she sat in front of me colder than a fucking ice queen. I called her names when she refused counseling, I called her names when she kept saying I did nothing. I called her names when she kept insisting this was the only way instead of actually facing our issues and dealing with them. I acted out of anger and sadness, but that is to be expected isn't it? I mean, I was the one who was left, aren't I entitled to a little fucking anger once in a while? But back to the starter wife thing, I easily imagined her and I sitting on a porch together watching our grand kids play tag in our front yard. So I guess I am more upset that my dreams are dead rather than my marriage. No, fuck that, I am not happy I am getting a divorce, or rather, having one forced upon me. But, I am learning to deal with it.

So dear Diary, I guess I inherited an incurable condition. The only problem with this condition is no matter how much you want to die and for it to be over, you won't. No, you have to live through the pain. Fun times. Now please excuse me while I bang my head against the wall.

9 Weeks

2008-11-10T14:28:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary:

I am exhausted. I am stressed. I am gaining weight and it is driving me crazy. I am angry. I am frustrated. I am saddened. I am hurt. I am numb.

You would think that after nine weeks of being on my own that I would feel better about what is happening in my life at this point. You would think that I would be able to be happy, or at least on the path to happiness. You would think that I would be kicking ass and taking names like it was no one's business. Eh, you would be wrong.

A funny thing happened on the way to putting the house of for sale apparently. Apparently the stress I am under as a result of the dissolution of my marriage, combined with the stress I am under to sell my house on my own, combined with the new reality of my life, combined with the need to start over from scratch, mixed together into a toxic cocktail that has given me a headache for a fucking week. And I so did not want this to happen.

I have always been looked at by others as the strong one, the resilient one. X2B saw me as the strong one, the protector, and the provider of safety. She told me this is one of the reasons she fell in love with me so long ago (a love that is no longer in existence). And unfortunately, the stress finally got to me, and I cracked. And not at the most opportune time either.

You see, Friday, the day that marked my nine week anniversary so to speak, was also the beginning of a weekend I got to spend with Dawn, and see all the sites, and to touristy stuff, and just relax. But I couldn't relax. My mind was not allowing me to relax (brain, you bastard!).

While spending the weekend with Dawn was great, it was also somewhat of a saddening time at the end. Dawn and I had a long talk, and at this point in my life, while I so want to move on and lead a full and happy life, I am unable to. For whatever reason it is, maybe because of all the stress I am under, or maybe because I still have so many unanswered questions that I personally need closure on, I cannot move forward. It was a very cleansing talk in a strange way. I really opened up to Dawn, maybe in a way that I have not opened up to her before, and although it was painful, it was necessary, not only for me, but for her, to accept what reality is at this point.

One of the things that I told her through eyes welled up with tears is that I just wanted to be normal again. And it's true. Right now, I do not feel normal. Do I have lingering resentment for what has happened to me? Yes, I can truthfully say that I do, and I can also truthfully say that it is not healthy. For as long as I carry this burden of resentment, I am closing my heart off to possibilities that may present themselves in the future, possibilities that may be the absolute best thing that can happen to me. And it is unfortunate that I cannot seem to, at least at this point in my life as it stands this instant, move forward.

That being said, I do believe Dawn and I will remain friends, or at least I hope that is the case. In being with her, I learned a lot about myself. I learned that I was capable of having feelings for another woman. I learned that what I value in life is not looked down upon by people, just X2B. I learned that you should not close yourself off to people, especially those brought into your life at unexpected times, because in doing so, you lose the opportunity to learn about yourself and grow as an individual.

I will always cherish the time I spent with Dawn, and the conversations we had. While the time spent together will no longer be the same, and I know that in the immediate future things will be different between us, I hope to one day be able to call her a very close friend.

As far as romantic relationships go, I think what is best for me is to get to the point that I am completely comfortable with myself, and to truly know myself and what I want and need, before I go down that path. Right now, I just need some time with my thoughts, with my emotions, with my stress, with my dreams, with my words, but with my friends. Right now, I just need to figure out me.

For Sale

2008-11-05T18:23:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary:

It's official. My house is now on the market. How do I feel about that? What was my reaction to that? Why do I have such a bad fucking headache? Oh, and the hiccups to boot. Dammit.

The house right now is clean as a fucking whistle. The cleaning crew came by on Monday and the place looks in tip top shape. However, one of the things I noticed, because I pay attention to shit and all, is that a pendant I picked up in Taiwan, a hand cut piece of jade actually that is irreplaceable, is, yup you guessed it, NOT ON MY FUCKING BOOKSHELF WHERE I LEFT IT!

GOD FUCKING DAMMIT! I feel like Cartman for fucks sake at this point with all the profanities that can spew out of my mouth. It isn't so much that a small piece is gone, but it is what that small piece was and where I got it. It didn't really cost me much to buy, but I cannot exactly afford a ten thousand dollar plane ticket to fucking replace it, and that annoys the ever living shit out of me.

The photographers came by Tuesday to take pictures of the place, and I am wondering how fabulous they are going to make the place look. Hopefully I will see them soon.

And today, the house was officially listed for sale. Went live so to speak. My agent says that it will either be sold by Thanksgiving, or we are fucked. I naturally am praying for the former, not the latter. I have dealt with too much shit, and put up with too much shit, and just been so alone in this whole fucking process to have it drag on for all eternity. Motherfucker better sell soon, and I mean like pronto, because the divorce will not happen until the house is sold, so I want it done.

Now how do I feel about losing this particular piece of property? Well, I would be lying through my teeth if I didn't say I was stressed out over it. I have done everything by myself to get the place ready, and I am feeling pretty proud of myself for that little piece of work. But I want it done. I just want it done. Please God, give me a buyer with a fat wallet and excellent credit within the next week or two.

I am getting tired of coming "home" to this place. Too many memories dashed, too many dreams vanquished because she left me and this place is nothing but a constant reminder that I was not good enough of a man for X2B to stay in love with, and that painful to say the least. I need a fresh start in a new place with my own shit, and I need it badly.

8 Weeks

2008-10-31T14:06:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary:

It has now been eight weeks since I have heard from or seen X2B. Yes, eight weeks, or two months, whatever you want to call it. Eight weeks just like that, poof, and they are behind me.

But what lies in front of me? I think that is the larger question that needs to be addressed. Honestly, I don't know what lies ahead of me anymore. Will I get married again? I would like to hope so, one day. Will I have a family? I would like to hope so, one day. Will I be able to dig myself out of the financial hole that I am going to be in once this divorce is over? I would like to hope so, one day. I guess I just have so many unresolved questions in front of me because I have so many unresolved questions behind me still. But those questions will never be answered unfortunately, so how does one move on?

That is what I have been doing, taking life one day at a time and enjoying all the moments I have because life is too precious to not enjoy it. I am enjoying my new relationships with people that I have met and gotten to know over these last weeks and months, and they are important parts of my life. I guess you could say I am being proactive.

As far as what is happening in the present day, my life revolves around trying to get my house sold. This weekend, I will paint some more, and do my last load of laundry at my house. I will cook for the week so that I can just heat up dinner when I get home and not dirty my house in any way. And I will go through some more stuff.

I have decided that many of the things left in my house will be donated to charity. I know there are many people less fortunate than myself, so I will help out any way I can. Whether it be with clothes or housewares, they can have them, as I don't need them anymore. I am trying to downsize as best I can so that when the house is sold and I am looking for a place to live, I do not have that much to move. I think now is a perfect time to start fresh and have a clean slate.

And I have already started to look for places to live. Kelly can help me out with an apartment, and I looked at a model unit last night. The place was great, and a nice size, not too big, but not so small that it is claustrophobic. Also, it isn't that far of a commute to work, so it's manageable.

What I am intent on doing is finding a reasonably priced place and saving as much as I possible can. I am looking for a place with its own fitness center so that I can cancel my gym membership and just work out at the development. I have found a couple of places that seem to be right up my alley, and am going to check out another one tomorrow.

Then it will be back to the house to finish alone, what I started alone, and that is selling it. I am going to be talking to the realtors shortly to get the place situated and have it looking as nice as possible. And I will do this by myself, and I am ok with that, because that is what I do.

Fuzzy Red Lobsters

2008-10-30T10:21:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary:

So, the house is going up for sale. Yeah, the house is going up for sale. The house is going up for sale.

I figured that if I keep telling myself this than I will feel better about it but I don't really. You see, this house, which was once my home, was the first place that felt like home in a long time to me. However, what was once my home is now nothing but a shell of what it used to be. Gone are times cuddling on the couch with X2B, cooking with X2B, doing laundry with X2B, laughing with X2B, and talking to X2B. Gone are the times that I would hear her open the garage door and I would come downstairs to greet her with a hug and a kiss at the door.

But it isn't my home anymore. If home is where the heart is, I am homeless. Interesting feeling to say the least.

So, like I said, the house is going up for sale. Is it going to cost me in the short run? Yup, you better believe it. I am going to take it in the ass on the sale? With the current housing market the way it is, yeah, most likely, and without even a kiss first. But, it is something that must be done because X2B thinks she should just be able to give me her portion of the debt on the house like it was a grand gift or something and walk away. How considerate of her.

So the last couple of days I have spent cleaning and making the house look at clean and presentable as possible. Most of the painting and patchwork is done, but the rest I will finish this weekend. That shouldn't take me too long really if I can get motivated, and since I have no other choice, I will find a way to get motivated.

One of the things I had to do was clean out the garage. It was so much fun doing it in 40 degree weather. Fun times all around. Nothing like cleaning out a dirty and dusty garage in the cold, in fact, I think everyone should do it at least once in their life just to have the experience (Can you detect a hint of sarcasm? Yes, I believe you can). My real estate agent wants the garage as clean as possible so that it is welcoming to all those who go to view the place in hopes that they will plop down a hefty chunk of change and take it off my hands. So I did what needed to be done.

While I was cleaning out the garage, I was cleaning out her crap. She had left a lot behind, and since she has not contacted me at all in close to two months, I am guessing she does not want it. So, I started putting stuff in bags so I can make a Goodwill run and give stuff to someone in need. I tossed in an tote bag that she had embroidered with our monogram. Tossed in some of her clothes that she was getting rid of. Tossed in some shoes that she had bought for our honeymoon and anniversary trips. And I tossed in the fuzzy red lobsters slippers.

And that made me remember.

It was 2003, and X2B was a senior in college. She was coming out east with her friend AB to visit AB's sister in Boston, then they were going to make their way down to DC, where X2B and AB would spend a couple days exploring the city and just having fun. After the time in DC, I was going to drive X2B and AB back up to Boston, where after we dropped AB off at her sister's place, X2B and I went up to visit my mom.

I remember this because it was the first time X2B had met my mom, and that night we were there, I took X2B and my mom out to dinner at a seafood place right near the beach. And it was at that restaurant that I bought her a pair of fuzzy red lobster slippers as so that she would always remember her trip.

And I guess she just doesn't want to remember it anymore. Maybe she would feel guilty or something if she remembered the good times. So I guess it's just easier to make me throw away the memories so she doesn't have to.

But that's what I do. I am the one left behind to pick up the pieces. Always. So I guess that is why this is easier than I thought it would be, because I am used to it. It's sad really, when you think about it, but such is my life.

Sunday Sunday Sunday

2008-10-26T19:28:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary:

Oh Sunday, how I love thee, let me count the ways...

You start off with me having to repaint the bathroom because the white paint, that was a superfine semi-gloss, you know, the one that was ALREADY on the wall, for some reason didn't match up, so that was a nice way to start the morning after I had my coffee.

You then have me do some laundry and ironing, and oh you do know how much I love to iron (banging head against the wall).

You then have me sand some more and paint some more to fix the holes left in the wall when X2B took off with all the picture frames. Oh, what glorious and joyous times.

You then have me go on a wild goose chase to find poster frames only to fine frames that do not fit the posters I have, and quite frankly, I am not going to plop down $150 bucks to frame $20 posters.

Oh Sunday, go fuck yourself silly.

So, after I got all that shit done, I decided to stop by my divorce support group. It's usually a nice place to talk to the folks that I have gotten to know since this whole ugly mess (that is what it is now) started. I have made some lasting friendships, and I like to think that I have been helpful to those who ask my opinion on things, cause most of the people have helped me a lot, and I have had the chance to socialize with some of them outside of the group, which is good. Hell, that is where I met my friend Kelly, and she rocks, just fucking rocks.

Now, I use colorful language all the time, whether I am writing and venting to you my dear Diary, or just in everyday conversation. I also call people out on their bullshit when I see it, and will tell them to go fuck themselves to knock them off their high horse every once in a while. I just say what others sometimes think, just don't think they can say it themselves.

So anyway, this one woman, she is a bit of an attention whore, no wait, she is an attention whore, brings up old shit again. I mean, what is the point of a support group if not helping each other move on right? And how can one move on if they do not make any decisions and stay in limbo because they are too chicken shit to take the first step?

So anyway, said attention whore brings up shit, and I ask why she is bringing up old shit again, and she tells me something to the affect that I don't make the rules, and if I don't want to respond to her then don't. And you know what happens? Other's point out that she keeps bringing up old shit. Funny how sometimes people just need to hear someone voice an opinion they have before the floodgates open.

So I tell her, in no uncertain terms, in response to her getting on me, to go fuck herself. She has not listened to one bit of advice the fellow support group members have given her in months, so I told her to go fuck herself.

And she then said that with my type of mouth, it was no wonder that my wife left me, and good for my wife.

And then.....and then.....and then......Fucking FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

Ok, so listen up Diary, I can take a lot of shit. Hell, I have been shit on quite a bit not only during this divorce bullshit, but really throughout my life. Whether it was being carted around by my parents like I was luggage that had to be moved to a new town roughly every four years, or always getting left behind, or whatever, I can tolerate a lot of shit. But what she said, FUCK NO, I am not taking that shit lightly, at all.

So you know what I did? I got quiet. Yes, I was so steaming mad that I actually got relatively calm, and to be honest, that was a little weird. It was an interesting sensation to say the least. I mean, once she said that mindless fucking dribble, many people came to my defense and jumped her shit for saying that, and called her out on her bullshit.

Now, I don't need anyone fighting my battles for me. Hell, I came up with an obscenity laced masterpiece that would have cut her mindless, ignorant fucking waste of space self into a million pieces, but I took the high road, and let her stew in her own pot of shit.

And I loved it. I loved watching her squirm when people started to point out that she went way below the belt. I mean, considering this is a divorce support group, you would think that saying anything that would blame a member for having their spouse leave them, especially when I am not a drug user, rarely drink, didn't cheat, didn't beat, etc., would be off limits. But no. This stupid bitch, and honestly, at this point, having heard her pointless fucking dribble for like the last four months, saying the same shit over and over and over again, said that. I can only conclude she is in fact stupid, and unfortunately, I think I am dumber for having listened to her.

You see, after a while I tried to just tune her out, but then got frustrated along with some other members, because she refused to listen to our advice. So I would tune her out, and then find myself sucked back in because it seemed like it was the only conversation going on at times, so I tried to help, and once again, she would ignore not only my advice, but everyone else's.

So I concluded that she is just an attention whore.

What troubles me the most is that her constant need for attention sometimes alienates those who are truly seeking support and advice. It alienates those who are looking for either a shoulder to cry on, or a pal to laugh with, or someone to just listen to them rant and rave and get stuff off their chests. It alienates those who come seeking community and friendship to help get them through a very dark and lonely time. And that frustrates me because that is what the group is for, and her constant need for attention takes something away from the people who need it the most.

I am troubled by that because I remember being new to the group, full of anger and resentment at X2B for what she did. I remember looking for someone to not only listen to my pain, but to laugh at me and with me so that I could get over it. I remember trying to get people to laugh, albeit with sometimes very inappropriate humor, because I felt that if I could make people laugh, I was needed, and therefor I had a reason to be here. I wasn't just a castaway. I wasn't alone. I can say that I was seeking attention, but only at first. I can say that once I became acclimated to the group, I no longer felt the need to try to bring attention to myself, and for that, I can say that is when I really got the help and support I needed.

Unfortunately, she still feels the need for attention, and I am afraid that the newer group members are having something stolen from them because of it. They don't speak up that much, and it's hard to get through to them if they don't want to talk. But sometimes, just being there, letting them know we are there, is all we can do.

Lucky Number 7

2008-10-24T11:09:00.001-07:00

Dear Diary:

I made it seven weeks. No really, I made it. And I would be even better if I could kick this fucking cold that has been nagging me for a little while now. I am pretty sure that is has been brought on by the changing of the weather compounded with stress, with a little dose of sleep deprivation thrown in there for good measure Fun times!

So, I could sit here and write to you and tell about all the exciting things that happened to me this week. But, I would have to make them up because nothing exciting happened. Nope, not a fucking thing, unless you count going to Best Buy to grab a new digital camera as an exciting and life changing experience.

So, most of the week I just sat all mopey and shit around my house because I felt like I had played in traffic, or was it got my head bashed with a bowling pin? I hate, and I mean hate, head colds. Sneezing and coughing can suck my ass crack. The shit drives me insane. Also, the whole not being able to breathe through your nose while you are trying to sleep bit, oh yeah, such a good time.

As for the whole divorce thing, well, X2B signed the listing agreement and the house is going up for sale. I am meeting with the real estate agents Monday. I don't really know how I feel about this to be honest with you. On the one hand, I am happy that the house is being dealt with. On the other hand, I am annoyed that it seems as though I am going to have to take care of this myself.

Oh, and when it does finally sell, I got stuck with all the furniture, so I have to pay to have it all moved. Or hell, I might just throw it all away and start from scratch. Actually, the couch and the coffee table, they are going, I have already decided that. I can probably sell them for about $200 combined. And I think I will sell a bedroom set. The only thing that is definitely not going to be sold is the dining room table and chairs. Everything else can go.

One of the things that upset me this week was a letter I got from X2B's counsel. In it was stated that X2B took the cast iron cookware that belonged to her grandmother. Now, that is fine and dandy, and I want her to have that stuff, but unfortunately, she also took with her the stuff that belonged to my great-grandmother, and I want it back.

So yesterday, I decided to have a couple drinks after work, so I headed to a local bar and had a couple of beers. I do say that I like the freedom of being able to do this without having to check in with anyone, but for some reason, I felt like crap. Maybe it was the cold wearing on me, or maybe it was just the thought in the back of my mind that I was missing the companionship, but I just sat at the bar, numb. The people around me were lively, talking, gabbing, annoying the shit out of me in general, and I was sitting at the bar cleaning out my Blackberry. And that is when I saw them.

For some reason I started at the bottom to clear out the old E-mails and I saw the first E-mail that X2B had sent me when this whole thing started. It was the first bad E-mail. It thanked me for the lamb that I had made us for Easter Dinner, the lamb I never got to eat because I stayed at my brother's that night. And then I started to read the others.

Now, I seriously do not know what came over me at that point, no really, I don't. I just couldn't stop myself from reading them. The one thing that I noticed was that no where in the E-mails did things fall apart. In fact they were all painful, and grappling with what was happening. So I E-mailed her, just asking how she had been. Nothing else, just checking in to see how she had been. And she never responded.

It's unfortunate really that someone who I shared some great life altering moments in my personal history with treats me like I don't exist. I guess I am just not that type of human being to do that to someone else. When you think about it, it really does speak volumes about our individual characters. Whereas this process has made her cold, it appears that I have become more compassionate.

I think, wait no, I know I owe a lot of that to my divorce support group and the people that I have met along this journey who are going through the same thing as myself. It has been a healthy experience to meet others who are going through a divorce, and who share some of the same emotions that I have. It is helpful to have the encouragement that everything is going to be alright and that everything happens for a reason.

Shit happens, but such is life.

My Vacation

2008-10-19T15:01:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary:

OK, give me a break now, I told you I would get around to writing this but between work and trying to get my shit together around the house, I have been busy, so lay off.

Whew, OK, so let's begin.

As you know, I took a much needed and wanted long weekend over Columbus Day weekend. And it was absolutely perfect. I mean seriously, I cannot think of anything that weekend that I did not absolutely love.

Dawn and I had been planning this weekend for what seemed like forever. And it was such a relief (if that is the right word) when it finally came to be. Now, before you ask me where I went, let me just say this: we chose to spend a weekend in a fairly large American city that not only afforded us time to spend together, but activities we could do together, places we could check out together, parks we could walk around in, some nice public art we could check out, and some kick ass local eats. And that's all I am going to say about that.

I boarded the plane early Friday morning. Was I tired? Not in the least. My cab driver was pleasantly surprised when he found me standing outside waiting for him in the early morning hours, and actually made it a point to tell me that he couldn't believe that he actually was given a fare that was on time at that hour. So we had a nice little bullshit session on the way to the airport. But wait, I am rambling, let's continue.

The flight was uneventful, and for anyone that flies frequently, that is the best type of flight to have. When I landed, Dawn was already at the airport, having arrived there before I did, and greeted me with the warmest hug and kiss that I have gotten in a very long time. It was almost as if time had stopped and nothing was happening around us at all. Cars were not driving by, people were not walking by, police were not directing traffic, just dead silence in that warm embrace and tender kiss. Now if that isn't a perfect way to start a weekend, someone please tell me what is because to me, that was total bliss.

So we bounded off towards the hotel, checked in early (bonus), and went to get some coffee and explore the city. We walked around a bit, window shopping and people watching and decided to go check out the waterfront area and just sit and talk. The weather was perfect, with a nice warm breeze blowing in. The boats were on the water, with either their motors pushing them along of the wind propelling the sails. There were tons of people out, enjoying the weather and the water, and here I was, sitting on a bench with a beautiful woman, just taking it all in. More bliss.

We spent quite a bit of time outside, and we just bounced around from one place to the next, and before you knew it, it was getting dark out, so we went back to change for dinner. We checked out a nice little restaurant that was recommended to us by the hotel. Tip for travellers: If you want a place to eat, ask the hotel people where they would eat, and you won't go wrong. After dinner we walked around some more, enjoying the city at night, took some pictures, and just enjoyed each other's company. After that, it was getting late and it was bed time. After a long day of travelling and walking around, it was welcome, I can tell you that much. It was more than wonderful to be able to fall asleep next to her and then wake up next to her. The emotion is really indescribable to be honest with you. It was a breath of fresh air combined with butterflies combined with pure joy. Lets just say total bliss would be an understatement.

That was the first day, and the rest of the weekend pretty much followed along those lines. We walked, talked, shopped, checked out some cool local places, ate, and just enjoyed each other's company until we had to say goodbye to one another on Monday, which was hard to say the least.

On a side note, while I was there, I met up with some old friends, who I have not seen in about a year, actually, almost exactly a year. We went out to dinner one night as Dawn had some things she had to take care of, and talked about life, and shit. There were not too many questions about my divorce because I don't think my friends really knew how to approach the subject. These people are like family to me, hell, I have known them half my life (fuck, has it been that long?) and it's like you want to tell them everything but you want to spend the time talking about happy shit, not depressing shit. So, I told them about you, Diary, and told them how you have helped me make it through.

Now I could go on and on and on about other stuff that happened that weekend, but the memories are so wonderful that honestly, I think I would not do them justice if I were to try to describe them. They are what they are, and I wouldn't have them any other way.

Six Weeks

2008-10-17T13:15:00.001-07:00

Dear Diary:

Ok, I am going to try to run through this sort of quickly because honestly, I feel like shit and don't really have the energy to put much down. Fucking colds. My chest feels like someone started a bonfire in it, I am physically exhausted, appetite is gone (not really a bad thing necessarily), throat is a bit sore, and I'm just blah. But then again, I am a guy, so I could just be exaggerating it all and being a big fucking baby, because those of us with a penis, hell, that's what we do.

So, let me see..........what did I do this week?

Got back from my long weekend Monday night (which I still have to write about but is was so fantastic that the words aren't going to be easy to put down because it was that FANTASTIC), worked this week, did a shit load of laundry, and nothing very exciting really.

Oh, there was last night. I took my brother out for his birthday last night for dinner and drinks. Good food, good company, good beer, all good. We went to what one could call a "pizza bistro" if there is such a thing. Quality beer on tap, nice fresh pizza, and oh, sliders. Who the fuck doesn't like sliders? I mean small little burgers with a pickle and some mustard? Yum, good times. Not to mention they are perfect as far as portion size. Just enough to leave you satisfied with the flavor, and they go great with beer. Now listen, I know I said I would stop drinking, but fuck, mama didn't raise no quitter!

I already told you about the breakdown at work this week. I think it was Wednesday. So, nothing new to report there. Although I can say that is was a bit cathartic because I am feeling a bit better. Still don't want to deal with the whole thing from a financial perspective because it is nauseating, but it's getting easier. I managed to get quite a bit of work done, all monotonous and fucking boring, but it got done.

One thing I love about Fridays is that on occasion the office will get some beer, and we just sit, drink, and bullshit. And guess what? Today is one of those days. So, I think I am going to kick back one or ten frosty beverages, or somewhere in between. Like eight. Yeah, eight is a good number. Nah, maybe four, that's quality over quantity.

Then I have some ironing to look forward to when I get home. Fun times all around. Now, can someone pass me a mallet so I can bash my brains in?

Breakdown

2008-10-15T09:49:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary:

Fuck.

Today seemed like any other normal day. I woke up, grabbed a coffee on the way to work, got into the office (late as usual), and I felt fine. But then it happened.

I had a meeting with my boss, or rather direct supervisor, not the big boss, and was told that I needed to "show up." I guess the strain of everything has affected my work. I have been coming in late, pushing work on other people, and having an attitude. Well, fuck, maybe true, but not totally true. So we got into a bit of an argument, and then something happened.

I started crying, uncontrollably. I told my supervisor that I am facing a financial disaster of my own, that I am running out of money paying for lawyers and trying to keep the bills paid. That X2B has said that I was an abusive husband, that she is not contributing to the mortgage, that I am running out of time, and that I don't want to be declaring bankruptcy at my age and having the next decade of my life fucked up. I told her that I was fucked. That it was hard to show up to work knowing that I don't even get paid what the average salary is for my position, that I have no motivation to come to work and keep doing what I am doing while I am strapped for cash and there is no hope that I am getting a raise. And I told her that not only did I need a raise, but I needed a substantial one, about $20,000.

I told her about the job prospects that did not pan out that would have paid me a salary that would have allowed me to be able to take the financial hit I am going to take, or at least lessened the blow. I told her that it is a punch to the stomach to know that I am not getting a raise while other members of the staff get to use office funds to basically fly for "business" and they get nothing accomplished other than kicking their feet up and reading a book.

I told her that I have lost everything. My bank account is dried up, I am going into debt, I am going to lose my home, and I am pissed that I have to be the one to get rid of it all because X2B wont even negotiate to try to find a middle ground. I have to be the one to cast away everything I worked hard for.

I told her that being overwhelmed is an understatement. That my blood pressure has shot up because of the stress I am under, and it doesn't feel like I am going to come out of this. That I am not sleeping well. I just fucking bawled my eyes out, and was shaking, physically shaking.

She said that I should find someone to talk to, and I told her that the health insurance I am on doesn't cover it. I told her about you, Diary, and how I use you as my way to get things off my chest. She was actually proud of the fact that I write.

She told me that she is more upset because I am wasting my potential, and I can understand that, but right now, I just don't see it. I don't feel like I have anything to work for at the moment. I have done everything I can do in my current job, and it is time to find something new.

So now, I sit here, feeling like shit. Feeling like shit because I lost it in front of my supervisor. It's not how I normally handle things. I try to keep my personal life separate from my professional life, and this morning they rammed into each other with the force of a train wreck.

Fuck, I need a drink.

Five Weeks And Counting

2008-10-14T20:28:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary:

I know I know, where the fuck have I been right? Well, the answer to that question will lie in another entry, so for right now you are just going to have to make due with a boring status update. So zip it and deal.

It's Wednesday, October 15th, at approximately 12:15am. I am up at the moment because my dryer is a piece of garbage and it is taking me like 6 hours to dry one load of clothes and I have more to put in the dryer so I cannot go to sleep just yet. So, diary, aren't you happy that I thought of you? Awww, sweet of me isn't it?

This past Friday marked five weeks, and I am midway through the sixth. So, I need to backtrack to give you the five week update, and not jump ahead and give you the six week update because otherwise I wouldn't have jack shit to tell you and that would be boring. Wait, I am boring, so no biggie I guess.

Anyway, you already know about the shit I had to read that X2B filed in court that basically said I was a no good motherfucker and that she only did what was best for her. Oh, and of course the lying and all that she actually signed her name to. So since I already elaborated on that, I will skip through that bullshit and try to get back on task.

The rest of the fifth week was pretty uneventful. I didn't really do much of anything other than the standard run of the mill bullshit. You know, cleaned the house some, painted some, read, watched TV, attempted to eat healthy (heavy on the attempted), and just got shit done. Nothing fancy, nothing exciting, nothing crazy, nothing abnormal.

Oh, and I packed, not the house, but for the weekend. I got to spend the weekend with Dawn. We took our own little vacation together, and it was fantastic. I was a plane early Friday morning and got back Monday night. And that is why the update was not done Friday, and like I said, that is an entry all its own.

Now Diary, excuse me while I go and check if the dryer is ready. If not, just shoot me now and put me out of my misery, I am fucking exhausted.

Round Ummm, Fuck, I Lost Count

2008-10-09T11:14:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary:

Fuck shit cocksucker motherfucker cunt whore bitch shitbird God dammit all to hell.

It's official, she is trying to fuck me in the ass on this divorce bullshit. And you know how I feel about it? Eh, other than a bit annoyed, I don't feel much.

Weird isn't it how time can heal the mind and heart? I mean, I am not angry, more disappointed than anything. So much for an amicable split. But hey, it is what it is right?

At this point I just feel sorry for her. I have surrounded myself with new friends, made great connections to people, and even though I am facing total financial ruin, I am surprisingly happy. Who would have thought it? I mean, I am actually happy. I could care less how this turns out at this point. I know who I am and what I want. I don't know if she can say the same thing.

So, you are probably wondering what the fuck happened to precipitate me writing to you, so I guess I will tell you. I mean, fair is fair. I will not leave you hanging and clamoring for more.

I got the counter-complaint sent to me today. I am being called abusive for starters. That stung a bit. Secondly, she stated, in a sworn fucking legal document no less, that I took no action to better our marital situation whatsoever. I guess she must have chosen to forgot me seeking out a counselor for myself. I guess she must have chosen to forget me pleading with her to try marital counseling. I guess she forgot that our marital counselor, before our first joint meeting, was told that X2B was not going to go to counseling to save the marriage. So much for me not doing anything right?

She also insists that she only took kitchen stuff and an iPod, and that while she accidentally took steak knives and a pot that belonged to me, she took nothing else. Guess she forgot about the Bose iPod docking station, or all the cast iron cookware that was given to me either as a gift from X2B or my mother, who handed it down from her mother, who handed it down from her mother. But I guess that doesn't matter really, it is what it is.

I guess she forgot that she agreed, in writing, to share the expenses relating to the marital home. Weird, even my lawyer has a copy of the agreement. I wonder if she is even telling her lawyer the truth? Only time will tell I guess.

Although she does have an out really. Even though she signed a document, it states "to the best of my knowledge" or something similar like that. So, she could just say that is what she thought was the case.

Another thing that annoys me, and really makes me feel sorry for her, is her insistence that I am rich. Like I am hiding assets or something. So let me clarify something. I am an authorized user on some accounts, not an owner. What this means is that for convenience, I can right checks to pay bills or make deposits. It doesn't mean that what ever is in those accounts, really, just one account, is mine. Hell, I don't even know the account balance.

Oh, and she also insists that my student loans were paid with marital income. Not true at all. They were paid through a program my employer offers that is a taxable benefit. Its not like I can choose to just get paid more instead of taking part in the program. If I don't use the program, I get nothing extra. I wish she would have read the fine print on that one. Hell, she can ask the couple thousand people that have the same type of program and they could tell you the same thing. She should have done her research.

But anyway, that was what I got smacked in the face with other my lunch break. Good times all around. But you know what the strange thing is? Other than the initial five minutes of aggravation, I didn't feel a thing, and I will tell you why that is:

I am focused on the future, not the past.

One Month

2008-10-05T09:26:00.000-07:00

I mean seriously, has it been a month already? Yes, yes it has.

Well holy shit.

Wow, all I can say is wow. So I made it through the first month alone. Wow. You know, a while ago, I was wondering how I was going to survive this crazy little thing called "divorce" and looking back now I feel kind of silly. What was I worrying about? Why did I think that my life was over? Why was I so scared? Why did I not want to go on? Why did I want to hide from everyone? Why did I want to be with someone that did not want to be with me? Why why why? Fuck if I know.

I can see now that this divorce is not so much a closing of a chapter in my life as it is now the opening of another one. And I feel great about that. Just fucking great really. Now I chart my own course for the time being. Other than work responsibilities, I have complete freedom really. I can go where I want to go, do what I want to do, whenever and wherever I feel like it. If I want to go back to school, I don't have to take the strain on a marriage that could cause into account. If I wanted to move to another city, hell, another part of the country or world, nothing is stopping me. Life is good.

There have been a couple of things that I haven't really written about that happened this month, and I guess I haven't because the timing just wasn't right. You see, dear Diary, I filed for divorce. At the beginning of this process, I was adamant that X2B be the one that actually filed for divorce as she was the one that started this hopefully soon to be over punch to the stomach. I figured that if she wanted out so bad, that she be the one to file. Well, after she moved out and did it the way she did and took what she took, I filed.

I filed on a Monday (talk about a great way to start off the week). I thought I would be a complete mess when the papers were actually filed, but the funny thing is, I really didn't feel anything. I guess I was a bit numb, fuck, I don't know. My lawyer's office is near downtown, and I took the day off to make sure I had time to go over, sign the papers, and shit like that. After I was there and everything was done, I walked home. The weather was nice, not too hot at all really, with a gentle breeze. I walked past places we used to go to eat, stores we used to shop in together, and places we talked about going but never made it too. I saw couples, professionals, families with small children, tourists, older people sitting on benches, and I didn't feel a thing. Well, let me clarify that: I didn't feel bad. If I felt anything, it was liberation maybe? I don't know, it was just surreal (if that is the proper term).

So, since this is sort of an update as to what I did this week to mark my one month anniversary so to speak, I figure I should probably tell you what I fucking did right?

Well, I worked. Worked my ass off really. A lot of shit was flying around the office this week, a lot of things happening at once, countless moving parts, and shit like that. At home, I took more shit down. I took out most of the shit that was still in the walls that marked the places where the pictures were hung and patched up the walls. I removed the sky light shade (which was a total bitch I might add) and patched up the part of the ceiling where it was connected. I removed some of the things in the house that were part of our monogram, and patched up more walls. I threw a lot of old papers and just crap in general out. So, today I get to sand and paint. Fun times all around.

On Friday, Kelly and I took a road trip to Ocean City, Maryland to see some friends and just relax (otherwise known as drinking heavily). We didn't hit the road until about 7:30 in the evening. The drive wasn't too unbearable, well, unless you count not being able to find a decent fucking radio station for practically the entire trip. I mean, I was in good company for the drive, and it was a lot better than making the trek alone. When we got to the hotel, we checked in, and proceeded directly to the bar. No passing Go, no collecting $200. I had a hot date with a cold beer, and I wasn't about to miss it. I mean, I don't want to disappoint a nice frosty beverage by letting it sit in the cooler all night. And what happens if that nice frosty beverage wound up with someone that did not cherish and appreciate it like I would? I could not let that happen.

So Kelly and I met up with our friends, and whacking down a few, some of us headed to one of the local bars, and proceeded to just, well, how can I put this? Drink? Get shitty? Get hammered? Kill our livers? Save the world from the attack of the cold beers? I just have to say this: any time you can be in a place that you haven't been before and get delivery around two in the morning after a night of drinking and pass out around 3-4am, it is a good night.

Saturday was more relaxed. We woke up after getting about four hours of sleep, got ready, had lunch for breakfast, and I sucked down two screwdrivers to help kill the headache. Then all of us went to the boardwalk to just hang out, walk around, relax, get some food (and more beer of course) and just enjoyed the day. It was a great trip, and I look forward to more.

I wish Dawn could have made it, but she had a previously scheduled engagement that she couldn't miss. I would have loved having her there to meet everyone, relax, see the water, have fun, and all that stuff. We didn't get a chance to talk much Friday (which was probably a good thing, especially since I imagine my words were slurred), but drunk texting is fun. But we did get a chance to talk Saturday for a while, and it was great to hear her voice. After that, hell, I just rented a movie and grabbed a sub and relaxed.

And now, it's Sunday. Now I have to get a shit load of stuff done around the house. Laundry, ironing (ahhh, save me from it please!), the aforementioned sanding and painting, blah blah blah. So, I will leave you, dear Diary, for now, so that I can get some fucking work done.

Week 3

2008-09-27T16:39:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary:

Ummmm. Fuck.

I say that because I don't know what to tell you. I mean, I could sit here and tell you how absolutely fucking miserable I have been, or how I am just wondering what X2B is doing, or all that crap. But I would be lying.

So, instead, let's talk about what I did this week, shall we?

Um, the weekend was good. Had a good run and hit the gym for a while. Then the craving hit me. You know what I am talking about, don't you? That craving for something warm, sweet, and well, moist........

Brownies!

Fuck yeah, you better believe I made me some brownies baby. Talk about a process. I of course used a recipe that is absolutely nothing short of heaven. I am talking two pounds of chocolate (two different types I might add), a pound of fucking butter (they taste like heaven, and might actually send you there), walnuts, the works. I was in fudgey brownie heaven. Now, let me say this about a good brownie: nothing beats it, period. No, don't argue. Cookies, cakes, pies, yeah yeah, all good shit, but a nice thick, chocolaty, fudgey, warm, moist brownie is the greatest fucking invention in the history of dessert food in my opinion. I mean, turn it into a sundae, or just top it off with whipped cream, or just have it in its untarnished glory with a glass of milk. Its versatile, and fucking tasty!

So let me tell you about these monsters of chocolaty goodness. Well, my pan that I cooked them in was a tad bit smaller than the one called for in the recipe, so my brownies came out to be about three inches thick. I also had to cook them longer because they were so thick, so while they came out damn near perfect, they were not perfect. Now don't get me wrong, they were amazing, but not at fudgey as I like. However, that did not stop my coworkers who ate them all week because I wanted them out of my house so I would not eat the entire pan. Oh yeah, I am like the resident chef in the office, go figure.

I also had to deal with the fact that the lease that X2B and I have on our car (on which she stopped paying) is up in a couple weeks. Oh, and I forgot to mention that the dealership told me I had until November to worry about it, but no, I have two weeks. So, it was decision time. Do I turn it in and get a new one (I will not live in this city without the ability to get the fuck out of it whenever I want to) or do I finance it and keep it? I have decided to finance it and keep it. I mean, with gas prices these days, I am lucky to have a car that gets about 36mpg on the highway, and over 30mpg in the city. Not to mention that the lease was for three years, and allowed me to put 36,000 miles on it, but I only have about 25,000 miles on the car. Low mileage + good gas mileage + affordable price + sunroof + 6 CD changer + alloy wheels + comfort = the very first car that I actually have bought.

Another thing that happened this week was that I met with my real estate agent. Yup, since X2B REFUSES to negotiate, I am putting the house on the market. No big deal really. Although it is a nice little place, it really doesn't mean anything to me anymore. I guess part of me was trying to make myself believe that as long as WE had the house, we could find a way to make it work, but WE don't have the house anymore. It's it just a place I sleep, cook, shower, shave, and shit. Am I going to take it in the ass on the sale? Yeah, it will probably cost me about $15,000. But you know what? You cannot put a price on sanity.

Another great thing has happened to me, and one that I have been wondering how I am going to frame. You see Diary, I met someone. For the purposes of this exercise, I will call her Dawn. I met Dawn through a friend. We have a lot in common, and talk all the time, and just really get each other. We both have dreams, goals, ideals, etc., that are amazingly similar. I am really looking forward to seeing where this journey takes me, or rather, takes us. One day at a time though. If things between Dawn and I move forward, I sure as hell do not want to make the same mistakes that I did with X2B, so one day at a time. Dawn is kind, compassionate, smart, funny, sweet, caring, hell, I could go on, but you get my point. Oh, and she is fucking BEAUTIFUL, and I do not say that lightly.

So ends this installment, catch you later.

Her Eyes

2008-09-25T17:42:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary:

So, I was talking to a close friend of mine, and for some reason we started talking about X2B. Maybe I was the one that brought it up, I don't know, it was late, and I was tired. Anyway, I do remember saying one thing, and that was that I cannot remember what the color of X2B's eyes are.

No shit, I honestly cannot remember. And you know what, I am fucking thrilled about it. Talk about progress, at least in my book.

You know, I think one of the hardest parts of going through the absolute destruction of a relationship is trying to forget all the little things that made you happy. Like forgetting all the times she would bring me home little trinkets from the places she travelled to for work or when she would make me brownies just because she knew I FUCKING LOVE BROWNIES, even though she is not so much a fan of them.

So I cannot remember the color of her eyes. You would think that I would remember something like that, having you know, stared into them a countless number of minutes, but nope, can't do it.

Hell, maybe it is just my brain's way of getting me through this. All the little things are fading fast like a distant memory. Sweet!

On another note, someone else mentioned to me how they found the changes that one goes through interesting during the disintegration of a relationship. It is an interesting topic really. I mean, I know how I have changed. I have become more open with my emotions. I have become more serious too. I have become more aware of what it is that I want and what makes me happy.

Am I a bit bummed that I couldn't know all this shit with X2B? Of course I am, but not so much because I am no longer married to HER, but more so because my struggle with knowing this did play a role in the destruction of my marriage. Well, that, and the affair that our marriage counselor felt X2B had. Like I said before, I do not grieve losing her. I grieve the marriage. Sounds simple and cut and dry and all that bullshit. Hell, it sounds too good to be true, but that's the thing, it is true, and hell, it is good.

I can honestly say that having her not in the house is a wonderful fucking thing. No more walking on eggshells, no more arguing, no more crying, no more nothing than just me, my brain, my iPod, my 32 inch HDTV, my speakers, etc. I can walk around bare ass naked if I want to, and can take a shit with the door open if I am in the mood to, and you know who is going to say anything? Um, that's right, no one.

Freedom, its a beautiful fucking thing.

What I Need

2008-09-21T18:15:00.001-07:00

Dear Diary:

I know I told you what I wanted out of life, or in life really. But what do I need? Do I need superficial bullshit like fast cars and a big house? Probably not, although they would be pretty kick ass. So, help me explore this would you?

I need financial security. I don't mean to say that I need to be rich, because I don't (although it would be nice). I just need to be comfortable as far as financial stuff goes because I want to be able to enjoy life and not struggle. If this takes working more than one job to be comfortable, so be it. Maybe its the safety net that financial security provides. I don't want to end up old and useless and a burden on the people that I care about.

I need to be inspired. Really for several reasons I need to be inspired. Not just personally, but professionally as well. I don't think there is anything worse really than waking up knowing that nothing is going to really make you feel like you have a purpose. Make you feel apart of something you know? Inspiration comes in many forms. I guess professionally, it is being told that you are the only one that can do or handle a certain task. To me, that's inspiring to know that people appreciate what I can do, and they see what I am capable of. On a personal level, I need to be inspired to be the best me that I can be. Not so much for anyone else, but just for me.

I need passion. And I am not talking about sexual passion, although hell, it is awesome. I need to be passionate about life. One of the things that this whole divorce did to me was take that away from me. Or hell, I don't know if I really had it to begin with at this point to be honest with you. I can say I looking back there were things in life that I took for granted, like just being alive. I don't think anyone can really enjoy life if they continue to let it pass them by. I guess that is why one day i woke up months ago and decided that I wasn't going to wait for life to happen to me, I was going to make it happen. So this divorce, in a way, woke me the fuck up.

I need an emotional connection. This may sound like I have dependency issues but really I don't know how else to put it. To me, having an emotional connection to someone, whether it be a friend, or a significant other, makes life meaningful on so many levels. It doesn't have anything to do with physical intimacy. It has to do with emotional intimacy, and the ability to truly get to know another human being. To be able to understand someone, on an emotional level, to know what makes them tick, to know what makes them happy and sad, to know what brings them joy, brings us closer to one another. Fuck, I almost sound like one of my philosophy professors at this point (the one who I thought was a royal fucking pompous asshole, go figure). Now, if having an emotional connection to another human being brings me into a meaningful relationship with them, something more than friends I mean, then I will be beyond thrilled.

And I need to get on a plane.

Week 2

2008-09-19T18:03:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary:

I really don't know what to say right now. I sit here on a couch in a home that is now barren of any type of warmth. There is nothing on the walls in the main part of the house other than am empty picture frame. But it is mine.

I haven't turned the television on in what seems likes weeks. I just have no real interest in doing so at the moment. I would rather plug the iPod into the speaker system and just listen to some tunes and relax.

There are a few things around the house that were ours, like the pottery from Mexico, the ceramic chickens (don't ask), and some art that we both purchased on one of our trips. For some reason I don't want to take this down or throw it away. When I look at them, I feel that if I cast them aside, I cast some part of me aside, and that's not what I really want to do. Not to mention the shit was fucking expensive and some of the stuff was a bitch to carry on a plane.

Now this may sound like I am down in the dumps, but the truth is I am far from it. Yeah, the first week was tough. The second week, um, not so much at all.

This week was more of a pain in the ass than anything else really, but that is only because work was a bitch. A lot of things flying around at me from all directions, and the paperwork on my desk seems to be never ending at this point. And next week should suck even more. But the good thing about it all was that for the first time in a long while I felt productive at the office. I was able to really wrap my brain around what I needed to get done, and I cranked out some fuckin' work, let me tell ya.

Evenings at home were fine really. No feeling bad for myself, no nothing really. When mail comes for her, I leave in the garage and figure if she wants or needs it, she can pick it up herself. I haven't been in contact with her in two whole fucking weeks, and that is a blessing. The no contact thing is definitely working out.

Now, one thing I have to say is that I have found the "divorce diet." Apparently its the cool thing to do in the divorcing counter-culture. Basically you just are never hungry, and therefore don't really eat. I sometimes have to force myself to eat lunch, and dinner is usually pretty light. I think I have lost about 8 pounds in the last two weeks. Am I scared about this? Fuck no I am not! Hell, I could stand to lose about 35 pounds, so if this helps me along the path that I was already on, so be it!

Um, that's about the only thing I have to say at this point. Maybe a bit boring, but I never said I was Mr. Excitement.

What Do I Want?

2008-09-17T17:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary:

I am not going to lie and tell you that I know what I want out of my life for the next 50 years (if I can actually make it that long). There are certain things that I do want to achieve in life, and there are certain things that I want to avoid, so I think I am going to keep this as broad as possible as to not paint myself into a corner. Wait, fuck it, I can be specific. I don't know what I am going to eat for dinner tomorrow much less where I am going to be in a year, other than hopefully divorced at that time, so lets explore, shall we?

I want to go back to school. I say this not so much because I want to go back to school so that I can get a hefty six figure salary. I want to go back to school because I truly enjoy learning. As you know, I passed up law school in order to take a promotion and be able to afford the house that I am now probably going to lose, so I am going to go back to school. At this point, I haven't decided on whether or not to go to law school or business school to get an MBA. Hell, maybe both. I will not have any real obligations so to speak, so I can do what I want to do as far as an education goes. Freedom is grand sometimes, and I am looking forward to this part.

I want to travel the world. I have been fortunate enough to see some of Asia, the Caribbean, and Mexico, but I want more. Where I really want to travel first though is in the United States. There are so many beautiful parts of the country that I have never seen. I have never seen the Grand Canyon, been to Napa Valley, New Orleans, Austin, the Carolinas, Upstate New York (other than a brief trip to Cooperstown when I was a kid), Vermont, or Vegas. Hell, I would even like to see Kansas, just to see Kansas. I want to take a salmon fishing trip to Alaska as well. As far as the rest of the planet, I want to see Australia, France, Spain, Germany, Greece, Italy, China, Japan, and of course, Amsterdam.

I want to quit dipping. OK, listen, I know that I can quit, hell, I quit cold turkey for years for X2B. Its just that right now, the nicotine relieves some stress, and helps me unwind. And it's not like I go walking around trying to meet women with a wad of worm dirt in my mouth. I mean seriously, no one wants to kiss that, so I keep it to myself (unless someone stumbles upon this at some point and reads it obviously). And when I am with someone, I will not do it. There are plenty of other things I would rather do with my lips than stick a pinch between them if I am wanting to kiss someone.

I want to not want. I mean, that might be hard to explain, but it really is simple. I enjoy a hard day's work, but I don't want to struggle to make ends meet. I want to have a bit of financial freedom to be able to enjoy life and everything it has to offer. I don't want money for the sake of having money, I want it to be able to do shit.

As weird as this may sound, I want to get married again. You must be thinking I have lost my fucking mind. "Dude, you are going through a divorce, why the fuck do you want to be married again? Are you some sort of glutton for punishment?" No, I am not. I loved being married. Listen, it had its ups and downs, and I really thought it had more ups and downs, but apparently not because I am sitting on my couch all alone in this house writing this. My marriage this time didn't work out, but it doesn't mean that I will not find someone who I want to spend the rest of my life with at some point in the future. I want to be in a healthy relationship, and a healthy marriage, and have a family and have the house with the white picket fence and the 2.5 kids and the two cars in the garage and all that other stuff that many consider "normal." I am not that complicated of a guy. I want love.

Now, I am sure there are many other things that I truly want in my future and I will elaborate on them at another time, but many are insignificant really. I mean, all men want a threesome with two hot women right?

My First Week Alone

2008-09-14T18:33:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary:

I am sorry that I haven't kept you informed as to what I have been doing for the last week, but writing to you was something I just kept putting off for various reasons. The truth is that I have been trying to keep as busy as possible so that I could heal and get used to being alone again.

Many tell me that the first week is the hardest, and I truthfully don't know whether this was hard or not. Most of the days I welcomed coming home to an empty house because there was less tension in the air. You see, when X2B would come home, she would go straight to her room and shut the door. I felt sorry for her that she chose to treat herself like that. She chose to turn her room into a prison, and I always encouraged her to use the rest of the house so that she could be somewhat normal. I usually go to the gym after work, so she had plenty of time to watch television, use the computer, cook dinner, and do what she needed to do, but she chose a different path.

So getting back to today's topic, my first week was a bit surreal.

Like I just said, I welcomed coming home to a house without tension. I welcomed being able to just plop down on the couch and flip through the channels. I welcomed being able to blast the stereo and rock out to whatever I was in the mood to rock out to. I welcomed being able to cook a nice dinner without feeling like I was depriving someone of something.

What I did not welcome was coming into a home that doesn't quite feel like it is my own yet. There are still picture hangars on the walls where frames once hung. I don't really want to take them out and have to fix the holes yet until I find something to make the walls a little less sparse. I did not welcome the silence in the evening either.

The hardest day was Friday, the day marking my one week anniversary of the day she moved out. I actually stayed late at the office because I didn't want to go home because I knew what would happen. You see, I did break down, and am not ashamed to say cried my eyes out.

Like I said before, it is not so much that I am grieving losing her. I am grieving the loss of my marriage. I am grieving the loss of the dream of having a family. I am grieving the loss of what I thought my life would be at this point in time.

I look around the house I live in and it is unfinished. Almost like a metaphor for my life in general really, and that is OK with me. There are some things I would like to improve, and there are some things that I think are just fine the way they are.

One cannot control the past, for it is the past. One cannot control the present, only choose the path of reaction. One cannot control the future, only dream it.

She's Gone (This Is A Long One)

2008-09-07T15:58:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary:

Sorry that I have written to you in a while, but a lot has happened since we last spoke. And when I say a lot, I mean really a lot, so stop fucking nagging me. So let me fill you in.

Friday seemed just like any other day really. I woke up, got my lunch put together, showered, got ready for work, etc. All the normal everyday bullshit really. I saw X2B in the morning, and no words were spoken, so off to work I went.

Work was a bit slow, but I did manage to get a few things done. But something didn't right, and I couldn't put my finger on it. After work, I met up with an old friend for a couple beers and just talked about random bullshit. I got home around oh, what, 7:30 pm.

I walked in the door and saw X2B's bedroom door open, but there was nothing on the bed. The blanket was gone. I walked in, and all her shit was gone. All of it.

I screamed.

I walked upstairs and looked around, and the plants were gone, all the picture frames were gone, the cookbooks were gone. I screamed.

I went into the kitchen and looked in the cabinets. The pots and pans were gone. The silverware was gone. The knives were gone. The dishes were gone. I screamed again.

During the day while I was at work, she had packed up and left. Fuck I thought. Cowardly I thought. We hadn't finalized the separation agreement, but she bailed.

I started to take stock of what she took. The sound dock for the iPod was gone. My cast iron cookware that was given to me as a gift was gone. The pot that my mom gave me when I graduated college so that I could have my first plant in my first apartment was gone. The good steak knives that I had gotten as a birthday present were gone. The USB cable for my iPod was gone. Hell, she even took a piece of luggage that was mine, that I had bought when we were dating. My personal belongings were gone.

So I called her mom. I was upset, I said she took it all. He mom was being a bitch on the phone, saying, "Of course she is gone. What do you want me to do? Oh (my name) do gifts really matter, do your gifts really matter?" At that point I told her that even our marriage counselor thought her daughter had an affair, and hung up the phone.

I shot an E-mail off to my lawyer, with the tone that was not the best to use, telling her to call me immediately. I mean fuck, check your Blackberry.

Called my dad and he talked me off the ledge. That was good.

Then I went online to a support group. This is what I wrote:

"I came home to a house that doesn't look like mine. Well, at least it looks the way it did when we first moved in. There is nothing really on the walls anymore. All the pots and pans are gone, all the knives, dishes, silverware. About 5k worth of kitchen stuff. She took items that were given to ME as gifts. Even took my fucking iPod cable.

I wish I could understand why this is happening to me, but in all honesty I cannot. Everyone tells me that I am a good man, but the one person I wanted to hear it from hasn't said boo to me. I thought I was over this. I thought I was ready, but the reality of it all hit me like a ton of bricks. I am not so much grieving losing her, I am grieving losing me, because I don't know what I am supposed to do, or say, or feel. I am grieving losing my marriage.

You see, I could care less about money. If you have it, have fun, if you don't, don't worry, its only money. I don't care about how expensive my house is as long as it feels like home. The only thing I ever really wanted to be was a husband and daddy, and that was stolen from me. Its all I ever really and truly wanted, and now its gone.

Let the fucking roller coaster begin in earnest."

For pretty fucking obvious reasons it was hard to fall asleep on Friday. Once I did, I didn't sleep much. Woke up early Saturday, to a fucking monsoon of rain outside, and went to the hardware store so I could change the locks. That was fun to do in the downpour. I highly recommend it.

Then I started to put things back together as best I could. I met up with my friend Kelly, who is also going through this fucking thing we in the business like to call divorce, and we went shopping! I mean, I had to buy silverware, pots and pans, shit for the kitchen, a bathmat (who the fuck takes a bathmat?), and iron (she never ironed!), and other crap. So, that was done. Cost me about a grand, but oh well, I needed it. Shopping with Kelly was a blast, and it definitely took my mind off things for a while. She even picked out shit for me that saved me money, so I owe her some beers one of these days.

Today I just kinda did nothing for a while. I slept in for the first time in a long while, and then grabbed a cup of coffee at that little known coffee shop based out of Seattle (where is my free shit dammit, I have been promoting your venti drips for a while now?). Came home, and started to put things away. My buddy Hoop came over and helped me out, and now my place looks something like a functioning house.

....Just got off the phone with my attorney. Round 3 begins shortly. Stay tuned.

Ding motherfucking ding!

Labor Day Weekend, The Ugly

2008-09-03T10:55:00.000-07:00

The drive back to DC was not bad at all. Other than 10 minutes of traffic in Delaware, it was an easy drive. Got home, unpacked the car, and decided to check my E-mail as well as the bank account that X2B and I pay the bills out of.

And that is when my great fucking weekend turned to absolute shit.

Fucking mother fucking god damn bitch fucking low-life lying fucking X2B did not make the deposit into the account. So, this is what I get to look forward to and this is what I am dealing with right now.

Um, had to deplete the reserve we jointly decided upon to pay the mortgage. There was not enough left to pay the car payment, so I took care of that myself out of my own checking account. Right now, there is either $150 in the account, or if I take the money out that I put into it for the car payment, then there is about a buck in the mother fucker. Fanfuckingtastic.

I do not get where the fuck she gets off saying that she is not leaving the house until it is resolved yet thinks she can live there for nothing. Does she not sleep there? Um, she does. Does she not use water there? Check, she does. How about the electricity there? Um, she does use it to dry her hair and read and wash her clothes and such, so she uses it. But I, I am supposed to pay for all this shit on my own? Fuck that bullshit. Fuck it, seriously, just fuck it.

So, right now I am completely angry and annoyed. I am also devastated that she would break her word. But what should I expect from a woman that has done nothing but lie to me for the last five months, right? I mean, I shouldn't expect her to live up to the commitment she agreed to both verbally and the number she agreed to on paper right?

So this is me right now: I am facing the inability to pay the mortgage next month. Having been robbed of the half of my money that was in the joint account because I had to cover her worthless fucking ass, I am down a significant chunk of change. I do not know how I am going to continue to be able to pay my lawyer and pay the mortgage. Oh yeah, I got fucked over. Royally fucked over. And I am pissed.

So what should I do? Should I pack her shit and mail it to her mother's? Not a bad idea, although it would bite me in the ass in the long run. Should I destroy the sentimental things of hers in the house like a picture she cherishes? Um, not a good idea and it would only turn me into the monster that I am not. Should I piss on her pillow so that she sleeps in it or pour spoiled milk in her dresser so that her room smells like shit? Not a good idea either. How about I take a nice big shit and scoop it up and put it under her bed? Nah, I don't want to deal with the mess, although it would always be a good practical joke at some point. Should I put all her stuff in the alley and light it on fire? That would be a big fire and I don't want to get arrested or taken to court by the city.

So I am here to wallow in my own misfortune and hope that the fucking bitch gets fucked in the long run, and I am fully content to see what she has coming to her and I hope she leaves and leads a miserable existence for the rest of her natural life. Oh wait, can I stop her from even getting into the house? Dammit, I cannot.

Fuck me. Fuck me. Fuck me.

A perfect long weekend went down the tubes in one day. Fuck!!!!

Labor Day Weekend, The Bad Ass

2008-09-03T08:47:00.001-07:00

Ah, Cape Cod. Man how I love this place. There is something so incredibly relaxing once you cross the bridge. It's like every weight has been lifted off your shoulders and you can just well, be.

So, first thing I did was try to call my uncle, who of course didn't pick up and his voicemail was full, so I just drove over to his house. My little cousin came out and gave me a hug. Man, he is one cool kid. We walked into the house and his sister, who I have seen every summer since she was about 2 years old woke up and said hello. She is a typical young teenager now, and talks a mile a minute, loves her cell phone (or at least having a phone, she wants a new one badly) and has a good head on her shoulders. She will always be munchkin to me though.

First thing I did when I got to the house was hop in the shower, the outside shower. Please please fucking remind me to build one of these glorious facilities on my next house. If you have never taken a shower outside, you are missing out, believe me. There is nothing quite like the feeling of the wind blowing across your body as you are under the water, listening to the leaves move in the breeze, and smelling the outdoors. It's just invigorating.

My aunt and uncle both got home shortly after I changed and we talked for a bit. They both wanted to know how things were going, and I was brutally honest with them. My divorce is turning into a fucking war at this point, and there is no end in sight at the moment. Ah, such a pleasant thought really (bashing myself with a hammer in the head).

After we talked a bit, I called BB. Yes, BB was on the Cape, and we were going to hang out. She had spent the day at the beach while I was in the car, and had gotten home so I headed over to her place.

She looked as beautiful as always, but more than that, she looked full of life again, and that made me smile. Her dog is still an big bundle of energy, and its cool as shit. So, we decided to hit the road and head to Orleans to see if a friend of our was working at his bar, and enjoyed the drive out there through the back roads because the highway was backed up. Nice little Cape Cod style house all around, large green trees and old main streets. Man I love this shit. Maybe I am just a sappy fucking bastard, but eh, I don't give a fuck really.

So, we got to the bar, and sure enough, our friend was working. I don't know if he was surprised to see both of us, or more surprised to see both of us together. This is the same friend who thought I was on a mission to bang the daylights out of BB when I was up for my birthday, so I am sure a few things were running through his mind when he saw us together. So, we had a couple of beers and split a quahog, then went on our merry way. Back to her place to walk the dog.

After that, we hit Chatham, specifically to go to The Black Dog store. I bought her a birthday present, a nice sweatshirt that she wanted, and we walked around a bit to a local candy shop for chocolate covered strawberries and I picked some stuff up for the office. It was nice walking around Chatham with BB, but the last time I was in that town I was with X2B, so it was a little bit weird to tell you the truth, being in a spot that was once a place I enjoyed with X2B with someone different. I guess that is the point of moving on though.

After Chatham, we hit a favorite hang out of ours for a couple drinks. We both knew the bartenders, have known them for years actually, so it was good seeing old friends and such. One of the bartenders, a girl who used to get me drunk on a regular basis and I talked about what we were up to, and I told her about the divorce and all, and she said she noticed that I wasn't wearing a ring anymore but didn't know how to ask. I told her it was OK.

After that bar, we hit another to listen to an Irish band and kick back a few more beers. Oh, and for some stupid reason I thought it would be a good idea to smoke. Not good.

The next day found me waking up a big groggy and with a tight chest as a result of the smoking. Maybe not a good thing really, but it was my vacation and I was loving it. I woke up and went for a run. Now, let me tell you going for a run with a slight hangover and after having smoked half a pack of smokes the night before is probably not the best thing to get your day going, but after a while of breathing heavily and sounding like a dying animal, I was fine.

We all packed a cooler with snacks and drinks and hit the marina where my uncle's boat is kept. Once we got settled, we headed out to the ocean. The day was beautiful, not very windy, and it was nice being out in the water. At one point, my two aunts (this was a family thing) and I were talking and we hit a bit of a wave and a shitload of water came right over the back of the boat and drenched me. That was followed by a gust of wind right off the water and I was not in the nest of spirits initiatlly, but then cracked open a beer and it was all good.

We pulled up to Boaters' Beach and anchored the boat so we could do a little swimming. The water was perfect as I dove in the first time. Just cool enough to make you feel refreshed but not so cold that you feel like you got dumped into ice water. My cousin and I took turns jumping off the end of the boat, and at one point I threw him in the water. He managed to salvage a dive out of it, and we just had a good time swimming, drinking, and not caring about much.

After the boat trip, I met up with BB again to head out to the northern shore to watch the sunset. I know, sounds romantic and all, but no romance was in the air. My brother called at one point, and while I was on the phone I missed the fucking sunset. Talk about my timing.

Later than night we cought a movie, and then headed home. I woke up Monday and hit the road early after stopping for coffee. That was the bad ass.

Labor Day Weekend, The Good

2008-09-02T06:50:00.000-07:00

As you know, I was on vacation last week taking it easy and just trying to have some "me" time. It was great to decompress and just relax. I managed to finish up the projects at the house that I wanted to get done, and I have to say, the kitchen came out better than expected. The white really reflects the sunlight coming from the skylight and really opens up the room. So its all good there. Not to mention, it looks a hell of a lot cleaner.

So, once I finished up a bunch a shit at the house, I got in the car and hit the road. First stop, New Jersey.

Now, let me say this about New Jersey. Once you get off the turnpike, it's actually a pretty picturesque state. Nice little small towns, very Americana, and very green. So, needless to say, I liked it. I guess you could say that it reminded me of New England towns, and that would make sense, considering many of the towns in New Jersey are roughly the same age as New England towns. Ah fuck, I am just rambling.

Jersey was a blast, and I had great company for the couple days I spent there. I got to check out a great comedy club, just relax, headed across the border to a pretty sweet town in PA, and enjoyed a few adult beverages. It was a great time, and one that I will not forget. Hopefully I get to make it back up that way, but one never knows.

After Jersey, I hit the road and headed to the Cape. Traffic wasn't bad at all, so the drive was pretty good, although I have to say the weather sucked, but once I hit the bridge, sunshine.

One of the things that made the drive memorable to me was something I heard on the radio while I was flipping through channels.

For some random reason, the scan button brought me to a talk radio station, and the topic of the conversation was on relationships, and particularly what men feel when they are not getting physical intimacy from their partner. There was a woman speaking, and she said that while not all men will admit this, when men feel rejected by their partner, it tends to affect everything they do and their general mood. It doesn't have so much to do with the physical act, but the feeling of being desired and wanted.

Bingo. The woman on the radio hit the nail on the head, at least as far as my relationship was concerned. I was constantly being rejected by my wife, and it broke down my confidence and had a negative impact on my overall demeanor. I was not excitable about anything because I never felt good enough. I couldn't fully give her the emotional support she needed because I could not help but feel that she did not want me. Just made me think a lot when I heard it. It also made me think about why X2B is not capable of actually talking about this with me. You see, I tried to make my feelings known to her so that she would understand where I was coming from, but whenever we talked about this subject, she said it made her feel bad, so I dropped it because I loved her and didn't want to hurt her feelings. I should have stood up for myself more I guess. Eh, maybe "stood up" is not the correct way to say it. I should have found a way to communicate this to her more.

Oh well, lessons learned I guess. Now back to the Cape...

Waiting Waiting Waiting

2008-08-26T15:05:00.000-07:00

Well fuck. Now what?

You see, I took this week off to get away from the office and take care of some shit at the house. X2B is out of DC for the week for work. She actually left Friday night, and I really don't know when she will be back. Is that a good thing or bad thing? Hard to tell at this point. I mean, I feel sorry for her that she chooses to live like a hermit in the house, keeping herself in only what used to be our room and using the bathroom. She never comes upstairs to use the kitchen, and I think at this point she is living on energy bars and water. But fuck, she chose that. I am not stopping her from enjoying the rest of the house, so screw it. On the other hand, I enjoy my free time when she is gone.

The time alone gives me time to think and ponder all of life's great mysteries (like what I am going to have for dinner or what I am going to blast on the iPod while working out, shit like that). It also gives me a chance to get shit done. For instance, since I am on vacation and all, I decided not to be a lazy ass and goof off. I completed three painting projects (the kitchen was a pain in my ass and I almost fell off the ladder), tore the ivy off the back of the house (and in the process I think ripped the gutter loose), got some laundry done, hit the driving range, went grocery shopping, hit the gym a few times (which I run to now, sweet!). It is also FANFUCKINGTASTIC to be able to wake up, walk to the coffee shop (Starbucks hasn't given me any royalties, so no more free advertisements for them, fuckers) and grab a nice cup of java, and enjoy a leisurely stroll home. I mean seriously, I want the type of life that allows me to do this everyday, and as such, that's why I buy lottery tickets (either that or I just like pissing away money, hard to tell at this point). Oh, and of course I write.

But now that I got all that shit done, what am I going to write about? Do I have feelings or emotions that I need to jot down? Um, I really do not know. You see, I am still stuck in this kind of divorce limbo at the moment. It's painful to have to live with someone that you once woke up to everyday have them treat you like you didn't exist. And because of the situation, I do not know what my time frame is going to be for me to be able to complete the healing process. I know it's started and all, but the constant reminder of shit, hell, just seeing her fucking face and having to clean up her hair in the bathroom, well, it's a real son of a bitch.

But then again, there are the things that she is doing, or rather not doing, that reminds me of how evil a fucking person she has become.

You see, before she went on her trip, I casually reminded her to make the deposit, as we had agreed to, into the joint account so that the bills would get paid. "Talk to my lawyer," is the response I got. Gee, thanks honey bunch.

Maybe I am just too trusting of an individual. I mean, in all honesty, she has done nothing but lie to me since this whole fucking nightmare started. "You will just have to trust me that I will come back to you." Or maybe this one: "I am not going to fuck you over." Eh, maybe I am just a gullible fucking idiot, but don't like to think so. I like to think I see the good in people. Hell, I work in politics, I have to see the good in people or I would make myself sick to my stomach with all the fucking infighting and shit that I deal with on a daily basis.

Speaking of politics, I am a Democrat, and proud of it. I watched some of the convention last night and was moved, almost to tears, to see Senator Kennedy at the convention. You know, love him or hate him, he is the single most successful legislator in the history of the nation. He has impacted more people than most can even comprehend. And the nation is better for having had his service. Personally, I hope he sticks around a while. He will be surely missed once he leaves us.

OK, back to the subject matter at hand. So after I got the entire "Talk to my lawyer" bullshit, I of course reminded X2B that if she did not make the deposit, we would default on the mortgage. I think that she expects me to just pay for it and make up her half. Maybe she thinks I will capitulate so that I do not fuck up my credit. Well, she is living in a fucking dream world. If she wants to play this fucking game of chicken, so be it. I will not run off the road first. So, I had to call my lawyer and be proactive since the deposit is due in a few days. We'll see whether or not X2B upholds her end of the agreement, or whether or not she is going to try to fuck me. Hell, isn't it ironic that now she wants to fuck me? She sure as hell didn't want to while we were married.

A person with some pretty good fucking common sense (in my opinion) wrote the following, and I believe it 100%:

"Just remember, the person you marry is not the same person you divorce."

Maybe I was paraphrasing, but you get the fucking point.